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Topic: 20 year marriage falling apart

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Subject: 20 year marriage falling apart
Date Posted: 7/6/2009 10:19 AM ET
Member Since: 6/6/2007
Posts: 483
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I need some advice and recommendations for counceling type of books. This is my story:

I was married in 1988 at the age of 15. I will be married for 21 years in November. However my marriage is falling apart at the seams. We have never been a religious couple, but I had an experience one night recently that really opened my eyes to the Lord. I was touched while praying for the Lord to take the hate from my heart and show me the path to forgiveness. I was really overcome. However my husband is not quite ready to take that spiritual step, although he has mentioned getting a spiritual councelor. I don't want to push him, but I am afraid that if we don't get some kind of guideance we will loose.

I am praying that  I can find some kind of book(s) that deal with similar issues to what we have and how to handle them. I think this would be a great first step for him, since he and I both love to read. Thankfully there has been no infidelity. We both have issues with harboring ill feelings against each other, blameing each other and never forgiving each other for our wrong doings. We like many Americans are struggling financially while trying to raise 4 children. That added on to our other problems just makes a disaster of everything.

If any one can suggest a spiritual book that offers practical guidance to help repair relationships I would appreciate it.

Thank You and God Bless.


Date Posted: 7/6/2009 10:55 AM ET
Member Since: 12/26/2008
Posts: 1,958
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I have heard really good things about The Five Love Languages. They have a book for married couples.

Last Edited on: 7/6/09 10:55 AM ET - Total times edited: 1
Date Posted: 7/6/2009 12:22 PM ET
Member Since: 7/2/2009
Posts: 76
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possibly the Love Dare? I think its by Stephen and Alex Kendrick. but watch the Movie Fireproof too. It made me cry.

Subject: Pray for God's wisdom and seek Him first.
Date Posted: 7/6/2009 10:51 PM ET
Member Since: 7/26/2008
Posts: 407
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  Lovelife for Every Married Couple  is one of the first books my husband and I read after surrendering our lives to the Lord 30 years ago. We had about given up after 2 years of marriage when the Lord intervened and drew us both to Himself. That decision to follow Him no matter what was the greatest decision of our lives. We have now been married 32 years and our 4 children are all following the Lord as well. Be patient and seek God's ways for your own life and pray fervently for your husband. Love and Respect is another good book but you must be prepared to read it without pointing fingers at each other. Of course, the greatest resource is the Bible since God has given us the best instruction book for all of life in that.

Fireproof and the Love Dare are the latest thing out and they are wonderful as well.

Date Posted: 7/7/2009 8:19 AM ET
Member Since: 9/2/2008
Posts: 14
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I am so sorry to hear this.  I would definately suggest Love and Respect.  It saved my marriage.  It opened my eyes to the world and to my husband.  There is also a DVD series that goes with it.  It is worth every penny.

Good Luck and God Bless,


Date Posted: 7/7/2009 1:32 PM ET
Member Since: 1/24/2008
Posts: 407
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Torn Asunder is a very good book.  My aunt and uncle told us about it and recommend everyone read it, even if they are not having problems.

Date Posted: 7/7/2009 3:24 PM ET
Member Since: 6/10/2007
Posts: 10,401
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I've got to second The Love Dare & Fireproof the Movie. I'm sorry you're going through this and pray it is resolved very soon.

Date Posted: 7/7/2009 6:11 PM ET
Member Since: 6/6/2007
Posts: 483
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I have looked on PBS for The Love Dare. It looks like something for me,however there are a gazillion wishlisters. Thanks for all of the prayers and suggestions.


Date Posted: 7/7/2009 11:01 PM ET
Member Since: 6/8/2007
Posts: 6,358
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The one that was instumental in changing my attitude toward my husband was "The proper care and feeding of husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.

I know a lot of people hate Dr. Laura, but she does have some great advice. 


Date Posted: 7/7/2009 11:23 PM ET
Member Since: 7/13/2005
Posts: 103
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What about His Needs Her needs- not sure the author

WilliamHarley -maybe

Date Posted: 7/8/2009 10:58 AM ET
Member Since: 11/23/2008
Posts: 453
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I second the suggestion for The Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I also recommend that you work on improving your own behavior/attitude/actions and then let the light of Christ show in you to your hubby. If you go in pushing him to change, he's going to bristle up like a porcupine. Dolly/married almost 22 years.

Date Posted: 7/9/2009 9:15 PM ET
Member Since: 11/18/2008
Posts: 115
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I pm'd yu a list of a few that my hubby and I have read and recommend to other couples that we work with.

I agree with The Love Dare book--- It is an excellent one---  Watch Fireproof too! It is a great movie!

His Needs Her Needs    by William Harley JR.

books by Gary & Barbara Rosberg   and    Les & Leslie Parrott  and  James Dobson   are all  great ones!

Also check out this website for awesome advice, help, prayer and resources:  www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage.aspx

Blessings, Verlina

Date Posted: 7/10/2009 6:58 AM ET
Member Since: 9/11/2008
Posts: 89
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Debra White Smith has some wonderful books about marriage. Also I remember reading a book a few years ago that really helped me. I believe the name of it was "Finding the Hero in your Husband". I do not still have it because I passed it on to a friend. The book is excellent. Hope this helps.  Robin

Date Posted: 7/10/2009 9:11 AM ET
Member Since: 2/24/2006
Posts: 5,498
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The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel is a good book that introduces someone to the historical Christ.

Date Posted: 7/10/2009 10:20 AM ET
Member Since: 4/9/2008
Posts: 94
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I'm sorry to hear about this. Really good books were mentioned here. I'll keep you in prayer.

Date Posted: 7/16/2009 7:52 PM ET
Member Since: 3/22/2009
Posts: 34
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I have read and re-read Hoep for the Separated (Gary Chapman)...even though my husband and I separated only for a short while and I didn't read this until after we re-united, it still helped me see things clearly.  It speaks a lot of unchangeable things but things that are healable..haha are those real words :)   I am sorry you guys are struggling...unfortunately there was infedility in our situation but I know it is God's will for my family to be intact and even though my husband royally made some stupid choices, I was not without blame and even though I still have those "motion pictures" playing in my mind, we have been back together for almost 8 months now and are growing everyday.  It started with our re-commitment to Christ and His will for our marriage.  I will certainly pray for you two...it may help you to know, as hard as it was for me not to push my husband with regard to Godly things and rededicating our marriage to Him, I didn't...I did pray pray pray for him...this may sound silly to some...I am one of those who can barely pray without bawling or get into a discussion with my hubby about how much he means to me without getting all snotty...so I started emailing him my morning prayers...unedited, raw and unread...I just pounded out my prayers each morning most of which involved my begging God to help me with my unforgiveness, anger...praising God for reuniting us, asking God to draw us, our kids and our marriage closer to Him...ultimately so that our saved marriage would be a testiment to God's goodness.  Some days they were short...other days, well he probably sat there for a while.  He sometimes emailed me back witha  thank you or a short prayer back...but mostly, I didn't expect a lot out of him with regard to these prayers...I needed him to know I was praying for him, everyday...everyday.  Some days all of our mornings or evenings get so rushed that other than my in-my-mind prayers...I fear out-loud prayers dont get said...this was (and still is 8 months later) my way of making sure my husband KNOWS without a doubt I am praying for him and us.  It doesn't matter what he does with it...so long as he knows.

Best wishes, and if you ever want to talk..pm me.  I also want to add that Dr. Harley's book, His Needs, Her Needs...well, it just caused me a lot of heartaches, fears and over-all just made me made...it may have been the time frame in which I read it.  I didn't finish it.  And Dr. Dobson's Love Must be Tough...is just that, tough but thorough.  It is deep and scarey...but that may be a good one for ya.


Date Posted: 7/16/2009 8:51 PM ET
Member Since: 10/2/2007
Posts: 415
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I saw that you been on pbs. You sound so much better :)  I'm glad you and hubby are still working together. Praise the Lord!! Prayer works!!

Date Posted: 8/9/2009 3:55 PM ET
Member Since: 4/15/2008
Posts: 108
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I would absouletly suggest Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs  first.  That has given me a whole new perspective on my husband.  We're a work in progress, but I know the Lord has something amazing in store.  I would second Ten Keys of a Loving, Lasting Marriage by Gary Smalley.

Date Posted: 8/10/2009 6:18 AM ET
Member Since: 8/30/2008
Posts: 20
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I second Love and Respect. My husband and I read that together when we were going through some trials and it has definately changed the way I look at our relationship.

Date Posted: 8/14/2009 8:55 PM ET
Member Since: 11/26/2008
Posts: 3
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I've read a number of books on this subjects and I would have to say the best that I have come accross is When Sinners Say "I Do" by Dave Harvey. Second to that is Love That Lasts by Gary and Besty Rucci (sp?).

May you experience God's grace in your marriage!



Date Posted: 8/14/2009 9:02 PM ET
Member Since: 11/26/2008
Posts: 3
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I know this is a book forum, but if you're willing to listen to any sermons at all, I would start with this one:


It's a free download and has some very valuable stuff in it! If you listen to it and find it helpful, feel free to contact me for some more recommendations. ;)



Date Posted: 8/14/2009 11:08 PM ET
Member Since: 12/17/2007
Posts: 452
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Hi, I just wanted to suggest Karen Kingsbury's Baxter Family series.  Gary Smalley is a co-writer with her and although the books are fictional novels they are full of wisdom for dealing with almost every situation you can think of.  There are 3 series in the saga.  Her first series is the Redemption series and there are 5 books in it.  Then there is the Firstborn series and there are 5 books in that series as well.  The last series is the Sunrise series and there are 4 books in it.  These books portray many situations in relationships and excellent advice and wisdom to get through them.  By the time you are done with the first couple of books, you feel like you know the Baxters, they seem that real.  I couldn't put them down and learned sooooooo much!  You'll read about turning away from God, dealing with death, dealing with separation and infidelity, getting along, illness and injury in the family, resentment and anger toward one another and also toward God.  You'll see people come to Christ after hardship and those who come back to Him after a long journey in the "desert".  I can't say enough about Karen Kingsbury and all of her books.

Date Posted: 9/7/2009 6:21 AM ET
Member Since: 1/18/2007
Posts: 509
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We did the Gary Thomas series"Sacred Marriage" in Sunday School....my husband and I have walked away every Sunday with new things to talk about and work on....we loved it.  I have the book listed on my wishlist but I am still waiting....that may help, it really opened my eyes.

Good luck and God Bless!