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Topic: My best friends (Lesbian Couple) are going to be moms!! - Update!!!

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Subject: My best friends (Lesbian Couple) are going to be moms!! - Update!!!
Date Posted: 10/17/2007 4:05 PM ET
Member Since: 9/29/2005
Posts: 3,152
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My best friends have been together for 12 years now and a few years ago tried unsuccessfully to conceive.  After  3 + years and $40K or so later, they've decided to adopt.

Get this, their hope and CPS is moving in this direction, is that they will be adopting my current foster son Nicholas.  He is 17 months old and I've had him for 9 months. 

Because Texas does not allow same sex couples adoption, only one will adopt at first and a few months later they will do the second parent adoption!!!

We are all so excited!!!

 



Last Edited on: 2/15/08 1:49 PM ET - Total times edited: 1
Date Posted: 10/17/2007 11:40 PM ET
Member Since: 12/1/2005
Posts: 1,023
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Sherry, that is such great news! I'll be keeping my fingers & toes crossed for them!

Date Posted: 10/18/2007 12:14 AM ET
Member Since: 11/10/2006
Posts: 2,947
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Sherry...how wonderful!  And what a super thing that they can adopt your foste son!!

 

(BTW...what in heck is your avatar?  It looks like a demon Ronald McDonald...lol)

Date Posted: 10/18/2007 6:21 AM ET
Member Since: 7/5/2006
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yea!!! How awesome... especially to know that  your forster son will be going to a great home :)

Date Posted: 10/18/2007 10:16 AM ET
Member Since: 9/29/2005
Posts: 3,152
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LOL Charlie,

That there my friend is Bobo the Klown,  my friends haunted house character. 

Date Posted: 10/18/2007 1:39 PM ET
Member Since: 1/11/2006
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YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Great news!

Date Posted: 10/19/2007 3:22 PM ET
Member Since: 1/23/2006
Posts: 609
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That is wonderful! And neat also that you'll be able to stay in his life.

Date Posted: 10/19/2007 5:03 PM ET
Member Since: 11/10/2006
Posts: 2,947
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Sherrie, Burger King should do ads with that clown to keep people from McDonald's....lol

Date Posted: 10/19/2007 10:23 PM ET
Member Since: 6/29/2007
Posts: 526
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I am so excited for your friends. I work in foster care in NC, and we have two same sex couples who are foster parents in our county. Both families are hoping to adopt, and we are so excited for them. One couple now has three foster kids in their home, and it has brought their estranged families back together. After they got their first foster child, one of them called his family, who he had not spoken to in quite some time, and they were very excited for him. That foster child's mother delivered a baby while in jail, so they now have his baby sister, and his family is actually sending outfits and other goodies for her. They really hope to adopt these two children, so please keep them in your prayers.

On a sadder note, we've gotten our first bout of prejudice with the third child placed in their home. Apparently, the birth family is Catholic and very conservative. Little do they know that one of the foster parents is an Episcopalian priest. The family's Social Worker just told them that would be a good incentive for them to work on their family plan to get their kids back sooner. It's sad to me that they think it's worse to have an alternative lifestyle than to abuse their kids. Go figure.

Please consider becoming foster parents in your area. So many children end up in group homes because no foster homes are available.  If you want to adopt a child, this is the best route to take. Please consider adopting older children, too. They tend to get shuffled through the system and never find a forever family, unfortunately. Call your local Department of Social Services for more information.

Rita.

L. G. (L)
Date Posted: 10/20/2007 10:00 AM ET
Member Since: 9/5/2005
Posts: 12,412
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That's awesome, Sherrie!!!  Hope it works out that they can adopt Nicholas - what a win:win for all of you!

I wish Oregon had a foster-to-adopt program.  They don't - the programs - fodtering and adoption - are separate, and completely messed up.  We were going to do a Special Needs adoption and started the training before we got J.  The system ended up being so messed up, we dropped out and went private.  I called the director of adoptions for the state and told them about our experiences and let them know that unless they changed the program and the fact that people (state adoption workers) were giving out differing information, they would probably be losing more candidates.  It was extremely frustrating.

 

Date Posted: 10/23/2007 12:19 PM ET
Member Since: 1/4/2006
Posts: 576
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Is fostering to adopt an actual "program".  Or just that often foster parents fall in love with their foster children and "want" to adopt them.  Or is it that being a foster parent gives one a "taste"  of "a trial run" of what it is like to raise a child that might be adoptable.

I have often wondered what it is like to be a foster parent; especially when a child gets removed from the foster care and sent back to the parent/s?  Is that heart-wrenching as a parent or joyful that the child is going back home?

I think I have unresolved issues around fostering.  My mother fostered a darling little girl (Janice) with polio who wore a leg brace.  We got her while she was an toddler and had her for a few years.  I really loved Janice and thought of her as my sister.  I knew Janice was leaving us to go home to her mom.  I was excited for her (since my mom was the most important person in my young life) and asked to be able to say goodbye to her.  I insisted (at age 7) that mom would make sure that Janice was there when I got home from school to say goodbye to her.  Well, you guessed it --- Janice was gone when I got home from school. The social worker felt it was better to do it while I was at school so there wouldn't be a scene.  My mother became a liar that day - never to be completely trusted again.  It feels strange to realize this incident happened almost 50 years ago and still has the power to make me angy.  And as a mother myself, I can see how I could be talked into the idea that it would be better for my own children, to do the same thing.  The idea that the social worker "knows best" taking root.  I can understand a mother not wanting to "upset" her own children over the leaving of a foster child.  But, it was not the right thing to do!  With today's buzz-words --- there was no closure.    In my late 20's the mention of Janice came up at a gathering and I mentioned (in an angry tone) how upset I was at the incident.  My mother was truly surprised and had no idea that I still even remembered the incident.  That was when she told me that the social worker convinced her that it was in my best interest.  sigh

Well, thank you all for being my psychiatrist's couch.  I guess I should go see a for real therapist and deal with this issue somehow.  My mother has been dead for 6 years now.  So, I am not sure how it could be resolved.  I don't think of it often; but when I do (like running across pictures of Janice or this discussion on fostering) I get angry again. 

One thing I notice is that I don't have the perspective of what it is like to be the foster parent when the foster child moves on after years.  That is why I am asking for foster parent's take on the situation.  I only have the perspective of a child - where my foster sister was removed.

Colleen

 

Date Posted: 10/23/2007 4:20 PM ET
Member Since: 9/29/2005
Posts: 3,152
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Colleen,

I've been a foster parent for 4 years and in that time I've fostered 14 children. I'd be happy to answer any of your questions. (I've copied the text of an email I sent to someone who was interested in fostering, so it may be more info than you wanted)

Here are my thoughts on fostering/adoption through child protective services in general:
  • People say, "I could never foster because I just couldn't handle it when the children leave" - My response is this - As a foster parent your job is to love, care for,  meet the children where they're at and give them what they need to help them move forward toward safety and permanency.  The hope is that all children will be reunited with their birth families - it is their parent's right to have them there.  The hope is that when they do return, you've helped them become stronger ( emotionally, mentally and physically) but most importantly know that they are deserving of love, respect and safety - this is the children's right to expect of their parents.
  • When reuniting with their birth families is not a possibility, it your job as a foster parent to help them work toward permanency, hopefully with you -  then if not, with their new adoptive family. 
  • I've had a couple of children who became open for adoption and for personal reasons, I chose not to adopt.  Remember that it is also an act of complete love to know that these children deserve the very best home that can meet their needs and to know that you may not be it - it's not about your needs, but theirs
  • Remember that the mistakes are those of the birth parents' - you can be angry and not understand some of the choices that the birth parent's make but never at them.  For better or worse, this is where our children come from, and our children deserve for us to let that anger go and find peace and acceptance with their past so that we can help them build a much stronger future.
  • Sometimes, the courts will make decisions that we don't agree with or understand - it's not our job to take on some of these legal issues - if you try to, it can drive you crazy ( I think for me, this has been one of the hardest issues)
  • In terms of adoption, as I said before, you really have to make peace with your child's past - you can't move forward in a meaningful way with you child if you don't.
  • As I work primarily with basic needs children who are under five - ( I've had mostly infants and toddlers), the major issues I see are enutero drug exposure (my son was born crack/cocaine positive), neglect and some physical child abuse.  I've also had two girls who had been sexually abused (18 months and 4.5 years old - although I only had them for 6 weeks). 
  • Lastly, the one thing I hold dear to my heart and I always tell myself is this  - "In order for my family to be created, another was broken apart"-  I don't say this as though I am  not deserving of having a family, rather this helps remind me that what we are given is truly a gift, and that even if I got placement of my child right out of the hospital, he's lost something too.  This is a grief that as parents we can't take away for them, but be there for them as they work through it in their time and it their own way.
All that being said, I would have not chosen to start a family any other way and I can not imagine my life without all 14 of my kids - the good, the bad, the ugly but most importantly the amazing!!!   In terms of the process to become licensed, I had to attend 25 hours of trainging, two home study visits, a fire/ health inspection on my home.  Various background checks (Federal and Internal CPS) and a TB test. - This process took 2-3 months to complete   The home inspection is mostly to make sure that your home is safe for children.  You have running water, plumbing, a place for them to sleep, no exposed wires etc.  Beilve me, I'm not the world'd best housekeeper and it's never been an issue.  I look at it this way, if my house in company ready, than it's CPS ready.    I got placement of my son as a "legal risk"  This means that alhtough he was not techincally free for adoption (parental rights had not been terminated) things were headed in that direction.    Know that you can becomed approved as an adoption only home and be matched with children who are legally free for adoption.   
L. G. (L)
Date Posted: 10/25/2007 4:28 AM ET
Member Since: 9/5/2005
Posts: 12,412
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You have so much strength and wisdom, Sherrie.  I think you are my personal hero. :)

Date Posted: 10/25/2007 10:30 AM ET
Member Since: 9/29/2005
Posts: 3,152
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AWW, shucks L, I'm blushing. 

But really, foster care and adoption is truly my passion, and I could talk about it all day..... It can be such a misunderstood topic, with a lot of preconcieved ideas and usually the only press we get is when foster parents screw up :( 

 

L. G. (L)
Date Posted: 10/26/2007 4:26 AM ET
Member Since: 9/5/2005
Posts: 12,412
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I think that's true of adoption, in general, too.  If I had a penny for every person who said  "I know so many people who had their adopted baby returned to the birth patrents..." when in fact disruption of an adoption is very rare....it's the way the media reports on adoption. :/



Last Edited on: 10/26/07 4:26 AM ET - Total times edited: 1
Date Posted: 11/2/2007 11:41 AM ET
Member Since: 2/16/2007
Posts: 269
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I can verify first hand that the media blows things way out of proportion when it comes to adoption.  Disruptions of adoptions where the birth parents ask for their children to be returned after placement is very low.  If a parent is going to change their mind it usually happens in the hospital before placement actually occurs.  Which is still devastating to the adoptive parents but its better that it happen then, than after they bring the child home.  The media likes to takes stories and sensationalize them making adoption so scary for the general public. 

They also seem to prepetuate the rumor that there are no US kids to adopt, which is just not true.  Whether they are in foster care or placed directly from the hospital adoption is alive and well in the US.  Not to mention international adoption which has been thriving for years.  Its in a bit of a slump right now with many countries making things harder and creating more restrictions on who can adopt but there are still options available, even for same-sex couples.  I place with a lot of same-sex couples. 

BTW - November is National Adoption Awareness month - hope this thread helps break some of the myths surrounding adoption and encourages more people to get involved with adoption and foster care. 

Sherrie I loved your post...you sound like an amazingly, selfless and loving woman.  Any child would be blessed to be in your home. 

L. G. (L)
Date Posted: 11/2/2007 10:46 PM ET
Member Since: 9/5/2005
Posts: 12,412
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I place with a lot of same-sex couples.

Heidi, it's awesome to hear that!  I know of only one agency here that places with same-sex couples.  They are hard to find!

Date Posted: 1/23/2008 4:58 PM ET
Member Since: 9/29/2005
Posts: 3,152
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UPDATE!!!!

Court is today and CPS has filed a petition to terminate Parental Rights on Mom/Dad.  They've also change his plan to adoption by a non-relative - we could find out as early as this afternoon if they will be getting him!!! 

I'll keep you posted.  My friends are super excited and crazy nervous!!!

L. G. (L)
Date Posted: 1/24/2008 4:26 AM ET
Member Since: 9/5/2005
Posts: 12,412
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Excellent! - let us know...I have my everything crossed for you! :)

Date Posted: 1/24/2008 2:09 PM ET
Member Since: 9/29/2005
Posts: 3,152
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Nick's mom did not agree to voluntaraily relinquish her rights, so we have to go to a jury trial.  It is set for March 26, poor kid, another 2 months of his life in limbo!!

On a side note, his caseworker is going to ask if she can place Nick as a legal Risk placement with Lisa and Daphne.  This means that although he is not technically free for adoption, things are headed in that direction. The risk is that a jury could decide that he be returned to Mom.  Lisa and Daphne are willng to take that chance and have him placed in their home anyway -

Date Posted: 1/25/2008 9:51 PM ET
Member Since: 1/23/2006
Posts: 609
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Sorry to hear about the delays. Best wishes to your friends & the little guy!

L. G. (L)
Date Posted: 1/25/2008 10:37 PM ET
Member Since: 9/5/2005
Posts: 12,412
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Sherrie - best of luck to Lisa and Daphne - they are very brave!  I hope the jury trial goes well....keep us posted, ok?

Date Posted: 1/26/2008 5:55 AM ET
Member Since: 12/1/2005
Posts: 1,023
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Oh wow Sherrie - ok, first of all I'm standing in line behind L in saying that you are my personal hero too.  You are amazing - 14 different kids in 4 years, wowza!  And I'm keeping your friends in my thoughts - I know that this time can not be easy for them.  Please keep us posted.

Date Posted: 1/26/2008 4:11 PM ET
Member Since: 5/29/2007
Posts: 13,347
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Last Edited on: 1/2/12 4:49 PM ET - Total times edited: 1
Date Posted: 1/28/2008 11:02 AM ET
Member Since: 9/29/2005
Posts: 3,152
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Hi Julie,

Nick's case has been referred to CASA, but he is from a smaller county with very few volunteers and to date, has not been matched.  He does have an attorney assigned to him, but the attorney has not been in contact with me once. 

I spoke to his case worker -she has the ENTIRE county caseload, and she informed me that unfortunately, this is pretty common for the kids in care for her county.  The funds just aren't there. 

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