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I am trying to write a short book description for a query letter and thought I'd throw it out here for opinions. All of the action takes place in Georgia (between Atlanta and middle GA actually) and re-reading this, I'm afraid it sounds like the story involves the whole nation. Please let me know what you think.
Life in a small Southern town can be difficult when your husband is a werewolf and you?re a psychic who has visions of a vampire apocalypse.
At approximately 75,000 completed words, PACK MENTALITY is a paranormal romance set in Greenback, Georgia. Jai and Sunni are sisters who were born and raised here. Although, Jai is happily married, Sunni seems to have nothing but man trouble. The sisters may sound like your average, small-town, Southern girls, but there is nothing average about these two women who call Greenback home. You see, Jai is married to a werewolf. And he isn?t the only one in town. Jai also inherited the ability to see the future from her mother, and now she is having terrifying visions. Her visions involve a vampire take over, but the local pastor assures her that vampires are extinct. They were wiped out in the 11th century vampire-werewolf war.
Or were they? An Albanian gypsy woman is visiting the town who knows vampire lore. The vampires survived, hidden away Europe, but now they are here. They have decided that America will be their new kingdom and are working together to take over our political system to accomplish their agenda. There is a kink in their plan though. Unbeknownst to the vampires, there are werewolves in Greenback, and one whose wife can see their plan in her dreams. With the help of Jai?s visions and a gypsy visitor, the werewolves will try to stop the vampires? plans before America becomes an all-you-can-eat vampire diner.
Jami- it does not matter. The query is to just catch the interest of the agent or publisher etc. The setting is usually not a huge issue unless its a publisher or agent that only takes stores from that location or background (like female only authors, certain races etc).
I also see it as being too long. queries tend to be short.. Might help if you read various agent blogs that give advice on how to write queries.
Nathon Bransford is one agent who's blog is good. Miss Snark has a good archieve. Bransford also goes some critiques of queries letters ever so often too.
You stated the town specifically in the beginning, so I think they'll get that it's localized. I agree with what the above poster said though, about shortening the description. You can tell them about the basic plot of the possible vampire takeover, without mentioning the visions in both paragraphs (just the first one would suffice)...and the whole mention of the 11th century war isn't needed in the initial description, since the basic point you're getting across - that they're presumed extinct - is already made. Sounds like an interesting story, though! Good luck with the publishers!