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Topic: Book to help me deal with husbands affair ??

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Subject: Book to help me deal with husbands affair ??
Date Posted: 3/22/2009 1:23 PM ET
Member Since: 3/22/2009
Posts: 34
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I have read about every Stormie O Martian, James Dobson, Gary Smalley and Dennis Rainey book I can gather....I have always enjoyed fiction (Used to love Nora Roberts type stories)  but have leaned more toward christian fiction (like Lori Wick, Karen Kingsbury, etc.) I wanted to ask if anyone knew of a title by a similar author that the story line had to deal with a husband's betrayal, separation and then reuniting to try to put the marriage back together....I am one of those who reads the "self-help" stuff and likes what I read but have difficulty applying it to my life...the Bible is my biggest encouragement but I want to try to find a book with a "story" along the lines of the last 6 months of my life that I can read.  I want so bad to forgive my husband and mend this broken marriage but am so angry/hurt/scared...we are a christian couple with two teens that are watching us closely at this point.  I want to model my christian responsibilities and make this marriage work but am struggling with forgiveness and moving on...any suggestions for a read that I may enjoy?

Amanda in SC

Date Posted: 3/22/2009 2:00 PM ET
Member Since: 4/23/2007
Posts: 144
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Have you read The Scarlett Thread by Francine Rivers? I think it would help you. I'm sure there are many others but I can't think of any others.

Date Posted: 3/22/2009 2:08 PM ET
Member Since: 3/22/2009
Posts: 34
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No, I haven't but I am familar with Francine Rivers and enjoy her writing...thank you. 

Date Posted: 3/22/2009 2:10 PM ET
Member Since: 4/23/2007
Posts: 144
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Just thought of another one. The Forgiving Hour by Robin Lee Hatcher. That one has a little bit of different twist to it, but it's very good.

Date Posted: 3/22/2009 2:54 PM ET
Member Since: 3/13/2007
Posts: 3,773
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it's from a different POV (as it's the wife that has the affair) but highly recomended is

Healing Stones by Nancy Rue and Steven Arterburn

I would also recommedn the Four Seasons of Marriage series by Catherine Palmer and Gary Chapman

Date Posted: 3/22/2009 6:40 PM ET
Member Since: 3/22/2009
Posts: 34
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Thank you so much I have written these down.  I am glad to have found this site...now if I can learn how to "swap" and such I will be all kinda happy ;)

Amanda

Date Posted: 3/22/2009 11:29 PM ET
Member Since: 5/23/2005
Posts: 6,143
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Amanda, I can't think of any book recommendations for you, but I wanted to tell you that I really admire your conviction to save your marriage.

Date Posted: 3/23/2009 9:17 AM ET
Member Since: 3/22/2009
Posts: 34
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Brenda...Hi..and thank you.  It has most certainly been the most difficult thing I have ever been through so far in my life.  It was a total shock, never even suspected it...we were one of "those perfect couples" and seemed to just have it all together....we did separate for six weeks and it just was not right...I believe we can do it, and when we make it...I am going to make sure to give God ALL the glory, because if it were totally up to me...I would have walked away and never looked back..and made his life really miserable :)  but....I do love him and he loves me (I am positive now!) so with God all things are possible.  It is only through Him.  Keep us in your prayers please...bumpy little road at times.

Date Posted: 3/23/2009 2:30 PM ET
Member Since: 12/16/2008
Posts: 101
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And God will look down from his Throne in Heaven with a smile upon his face because His beloved has once again pulled herself up and decided to continue on.... trusting His small, steady voice that He really is in control.

Sister, I have been through something similiar and I will be praying for both you AND your husband... you both need to full lean on God for ALL direction and wisdom right now. Get involved in a small group at your church, that is what helped us through.... those friends have become some of the best friends we've ever known. We realized just how much our other "good" friends were bringing us down. I will be praying hard for you both. If you need someone to talk to, please feel free to message me...

As for books, all the ones that have been suggested are great!!! I see you love Karen Kingsbury, so I recommend Redemption. It's the first of a series, but that book inparticular deals with an affair and is from the the same point of view as what you are going through, the wife is the hurt one. If I think of any others, I will let you know as well.

 

 

Date Posted: 3/23/2009 2:31 PM ET
Member Since: 12/16/2008
Posts: 101
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P.S. The quote in my signature line was one that I kept close when I was going thru my story, too.... Remember that.

Date Posted: 3/23/2009 8:51 PM ET
Member Since: 6/28/2007
Posts: 2,654
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Amanda--I don't have any suggestions either but I want you to know I am praying for you & your husband.  I know with God you guys can get thru this!  Stay Strong!

Date Posted: 3/23/2009 8:51 PM ET
Member Since: 6/28/2007
Posts: 2,654
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I just clicked on your profile & saw you are in Easley...I'm just a few miles away in Simpsonville   :)

Date Posted: 3/23/2009 10:12 PM ET
Member Since: 3/22/2009
Posts: 34
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I appreciate all of your encouragement and prayers.  I am even more thankful now that I found this site!! 

Date Posted: 3/23/2009 11:33 PM ET
Member Since: 7/13/2005
Posts: 103
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This isn't a fiction book but have you read " Tough Love" by Dobson?

Date Posted: 3/24/2009 8:11 AM ET
Member Since: 3/22/2009
Posts: 34
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I did...actually it was the first book I read and soon into it realized I had done all the wrong things...the rage and hurt took over immediately and I tossed him and everything that remotely looked like his stuff out on his ear...then listened to all the apologies, witnessed the crying, I asked if he was still seeing her he claimed "no way!"....kept telling me he wanted his family, etc.  I let him stay gone for about 6 weeks but had constant contact...he ate dinner with me and our son almost every night, spent lots of time here hanging out with son (daughter is in college) probably more time spent with his son in the time that we were "separated" than the last two yers he was home.  I let him tell me how we could fix this whole thing, wtc...then found out he was still seeing her and had been in almost as constant contact with her (via cell phone) as he had spent with me during our 6 week separation.  I wish I had read and followed Dr.Dobson's advice from the begininng, however, when I did read the whole book I was empowered enough to push him away, start trying to "get over the initial shock" and see what moving on was going to be like...that scared him when he saw an independant streak he had never seen in me before come out and he went to my dad and asked his forgiveness and asked him to help "get me back"...so after many a tearful evenings we did decide to reconcile...we have gone to a marraige conference together.  The ideas and suggestions I have heard and read all give me such hope and encouragement but I find they are fleeting...as soon as I get into bed these motion picture images of him and her start playing in my mind and I suffer insomnia terribly now...lie awake reading or playing free cell til 3-4 a.m. and then try to function for the rest of the day.  Many days since October 18, 2008 (the worst day EVER!) I have felt like I "just exist"...now when I read Isaiah I get all fired up and choose to read in Psalms a lot!  I have read Power of a Praying Wife twice, and Lord I wanna Be Whole (both by Stormie Omartian) twice...along with so many other reads.  The hardest part has certainly been that the church we belonged to for the last 10 years and were greatly busy in...well, the affair happened between my husband and another woman in our "couples sundayu school class" so we have not been back to THAT church but have found another...I will not allow my son (soon to be 15) to become dissconnnected from other christian friends especially now.  We need a church family more than ever now.  Wheeewww....sorry, I know this isn't a "sounding board" but....to answer the question, haha...yes I did read and enjoy Tough Love.  Thank you for listening ;) A

Date Posted: 3/30/2009 12:12 AM ET
Member Since: 12/17/2007
Posts: 452
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Amanda, if I ever write a book I will be sure to send you a copy!  I don't know how much help it would be other than to show you how NOT to get through and still get through it.  I think I made every wrong mistake there is to make.  I didn't think I would ever feel "safe" again.  I didn't think our children would ever forgive their father and have the relationship they had with him before.  It didn't just happen once in my case.  I felt like my life was over.  But we are together today and have been married for 26 years.  It doesn't hurt as bad as it used to.  I sleep better at night.  I've learned not to dwell on it.  I also have stopped blaming myself.  So, just for a little hope down the road... the hurt and anger fade and you can build a close relationship with him again in time.  I can't say I will ever trust him again, maybe, I don't know.  Like I said, it happened more than once.  But you find a way to live with it and there comes a time when you just make a conscious decision to trust God no matter what decisions others make.

It's more common than anyone thinks.  One of my daughters is going through the same thing with her husband now.  I would give my life to spare her. 

Have you seen the movie Fireproof?



Last Edited on: 3/30/09 12:15 AM ET - Total times edited: 1
Date Posted: 3/30/2009 9:01 PM ET
Member Since: 5/25/2007
Posts: 237
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I second Fireproof.

Either the book or the video. We borrowed the movie from a friend this weekend, and have watched it several times. It's playing right now.The Love Dare looks worth a try too.

Some of the characters in the Newpointe 9-1-1 series by Terri Blackstock deal with rebuilding after an affair. I seem to remember some in her Cape Refuge series too, but I'm not sure.

I have a dear friend that is trying to rebuild in the aftermath of a similar situation. He seems to have reconsecrated himself to the Lord in the past 2 weeks, but has also admitted that the affair had still been going on after their reconciliation last year, during which time he had repeatedly told her it was over. He still works with the woman, and there aren't a whole lot of job options in this area.Rebuilding trust is going to be a major issue for them.

We also have connections in Pickens County. Three of my dad's cousins settled there. Between them they have plenty of kids, grands, and probably great-grands by now. I was there for a couple of weeks in 1978.

 

Date Posted: 3/31/2009 1:36 PM ET
Member Since: 3/22/2009
Posts: 34
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Hi Ya'll...thank you to all of ya for your encouragement...both here and privately...it is hard but is getting a little better (maybe, sometimes, kinda) everyday :)  I am reading Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers...my daughter had started it but left it at home after she went back to school for the spring...so I am enjoying that one.  I lucked up and found some Lori Wick at a local thrift store...when I fly through those I will post them. 

I appreciate you all....OH....and yes, we did see Fireproof right after we sparated...well, he took me there for my birthday and all...enjoyed the movie but found out later that even though he promised me the night I found out about the affair had been the last time he had spoken with her...I got his phone records for all of October and November only to find that he was not only talking to her, he was talking to her the moment he pulled into the drive to pick me up for our Fireproof  "date" and then after the movie we went for coffee, talked about the movie (he had moved out on October 18th and was still gone at this time) but according to the cell phone records when he dropped me off here at 11:09, he called her as he backed out of the driveway and talked til 2 a.m....so the movie left a sour taste in my mouth.  Our daughter bought me the Love Dare book for Christmas and I started on it...but it seems to make me go backwards...brings up all the "crap" and I get waayyyy down.  So, I suppose this is what I have to look forward to...but I do love him.  I am afraid to say how much though...it has been bruised and beaten down for a while.

Sighhhhhh....I need to buy a journal huh?  haha...Thanks!!!  Amanda

Subject: Torn Asunder
Date Posted: 3/31/2009 11:48 PM ET
Member Since: 1/24/2008
Posts: 407
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Torn Asunder is a REALLY good book!
Date Posted: 4/1/2009 7:36 AM ET
Member Since: 3/22/2009
Posts: 34
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I picked up Torn Asunder at a thrift store too last week....Thanks!!

Date Posted: 4/2/2009 4:36 PM ET
Member Since: 3/1/2009
Posts: 11
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I'm not going to recommend a book for you, but I want to say that you are in my thoughts.  My marriage ended seven years ago over an affair and I wish you and your husband the best. 

Date Posted: 4/2/2009 5:50 PM ET
Member Since: 3/22/2009
Posts: 34
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Barbara....I am sorry to hear that...BUT, today and yesterday have been brutal for me and I am over half done with Torn Asunder....I see a alot of MY mistakes but as I read and see what marriage expectations were and how we are to love the other selflessly and all that...I am getting bitter because WE WERE DOIN' ALL THE RIGHT STUFF...I am so frustrated today.  We have always been each others best friend and now I am so lost....please pray for me today. 

A

Date Posted: 4/3/2009 2:57 PM ET
Member Since: 1/24/2008
Posts: 407
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would your husband also read the book?  Maybe you could pray about it and then ask him.  I'll be praying for you.

Date Posted: 4/4/2009 10:27 PM ET
Member Since: 3/1/2009
Posts: 11
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Amanda, you've been in my thoughts and prayers these past couple of days. 

Date Posted: 4/5/2009 8:36 AM ET
Member Since: 3/22/2009
Posts: 34
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Christa, I have asked him to read stuff before...when I read Love Must be Tough he took it saying he wanted to read it...never did even look at it.  I bought him Power of a Praying Husband for Christmas, he hasn't looked at....I bought him Wounded Warrior (about dealing with the kind of hurts that men go through) and he has never looked at it.  I don't nag, I just figure I must be the only one of us who is willing to read, seek help...dig for some kind of balm that is going to heal this marriage...I haven't found it yet.  His way of dealing is to assume everything is ok as long as I am not crying and fussing...or lying comatose.  He seems to have no problems sleeping or going on with his days as if we are a perfect couple...just like before.    I just finished Torn Asunder and am afraid it fanned up the flame of unforgiveness and all that initial anger is back in me again...well, it has never left.  I am just a zombie...everywhere I turn I see or hear things that remind me of something we used to do or were doing but now that I know about the affair it is like she was shadow on everything said or done during that time...like our beach trip (he talked to her on the phone 14 times in 3 days)....we went to eat at our favorite all you can eat crab legs restaurant for our anniversary like we ALWAYS do...the phone records show he talked to her a total of 5 hours that day!!  He was on the phone with her when he pulled up to meet me at the restaurant and I never knew it til I read over the phone bill from the PI and looked back at our reservation card in my scrapbook....arrrgggggg!!  I am so frustrated and angry....empty and dead feeling inside...NOT the way a Christian wife and mother should feel.  I am questioning everything from where he is going and what he is doing to my own salvation...that, however, is one bright point...I can recall the moment I KNOW Jesus moved into my heart...without a doubt He lives there...I am praying He cleans the crud out of my heart and takes up the whole thing with just Him.  I need Him to do that...just waiting.

Amanda



Last Edited on: 4/5/09 8:37 AM ET - Total times edited: 1
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