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Topic: bored retired husband

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Subject: bored retired husband
Date Posted: 2/16/2008 11:50 AM ET
Member Since: 11/17/2007
Posts: 16
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My husband  who has worked all his life is now retired. The problem being he has no hobbies..he never had  a chance to develop any...or so he says.  He does like to golf and fish but only in  the best of weather. I am feeling suffocated by the constant 24/7  time we are spending !!!   He listens to my suggestiions (at least I think he does) but nothing ever changes....same old same old  every couple of months or so. He loves to take road trips with our dogs but living on a farm limits when that is a possibility. He feels that his needs are not being met but I dont have a clue as to what they are. Any ideas would really help. Oh, he is 15 yrs. older than I am so I think that may play a part in all of this too. Milkmaid

Date Posted: 2/17/2008 2:30 PM ET
Member Since: 1/29/2006
Posts: 706
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I can relate.   I thought I would be dealing with this same issue but as it turns out my husband doesn't have a lot of time to be bored because he is having to lift and help with the care of his own father (his dad and mom live with us).  My DH is 19 years older than me and I work at home still and he retired early at 62.  

What I do deal with is feeling like  he is in my pocket constantly and where I used to drive places by myself (we still have the 2 vehicles) now he wants to go everywhere together never separate.   It does drive me nuts but we are both so stressed out taking care of his Dad (96) and his Mom (88) that right now we can't even begin to address the issues that belong to just us.

I am not sure what to recommend other than finding out somehow thru good detective work what he really is interested in.     One of the best ways I've found to get my husband busy is to start putting him to work with what really needs to be done in the house, it's the quickest way I know of to get him out in the garage doing his own "important" work LOL.    He hates anything to do with dishes, laundry, cleaning etc. so when I even hint that I need help in those areas and start to put him at it -- he hightails it to the garage or yard to "work" on something.

I am so very lucky because my husband loves to read and he loves movies.   Mine also is totally hooked on TV so my problem is wishing he could be a little more active because I worry a bit about his health since he used to walk a lot on the job.

Fishing and golfing are pretty active outdoor sports, does he like to go shopping?  Could he take over the grocery shopping or I don't know mine wouldn't be able to do that alone because he'd never get the essentials just the junk food LOL.    My grandfather took up chair caining and furniture refinishing -- he really enjoyed those things and my Dad seems to enjoy making small wood projects.    It's so funny because my husband has never told me he is bored, hes happy to lay around LOL.   

Well, I don't feel I am being very helpful.   

I hope a good idea will come up.   If your husband never had a chance to develop hobbies nows his chance!  Or maybe there is some fun volunteer work he'd enjoy.    Some guys like that.     Good luck to you and if I think of anything else I'll write it.

 

Date Posted: 2/18/2008 12:35 PM ET
Member Since: 11/17/2007
Posts: 16
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Thanks Chris...just having someone validate how I am feeling is a great relief. I think with spring coming up things will get better...

Subject: same here
Date Posted: 2/22/2008 12:57 AM ET
Member Since: 12/31/2007
Posts: 240
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My husband also retired early, but I quess if you worked all your life, like he has from age 15 to 62, I probably would want to retire.

And there is 15 years different in our age, I work full time, so I have a outlet. He does all the grocery shopping, anything that needs taken care of he does that. Because I work the night shift and our sleeping patterns do not exactly mash together.

He was diagnosed in December, just before our 20 year wedding anniversary with prostrate cancer, so he has to deal with that also. All his peeps (his friends) come by and they talk or call him on the phone. He is still bored.

He loves leather crafting and working on cars/trucks, but there is one draw back to that. He has arthritis really bad in his joints, so that limits that.

Date Posted: 2/22/2008 4:53 PM ET
Member Since: 1/29/2006
Posts: 706
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Hi Jane,

My husband and I had opposite work shifts for 14 years while he was working the graveyard and I was working part time (9 am to 3 pm) it was rough.   I was walking out - he was walking in -- I think the bed only got made rarely during all that time because one of us was always in it LOL.

I'm sorry to hear your husband is dealing with cancer.   I hope he will overcome it! 

It's really nice your husband has friends.  Mine moved around so much in the military and he isn't inclined to use email or the telephone or anything to keep in touch -- plus he has spent the last several years taking care of his Dad and Mom when he wasn't at work so he doesn't have any friends to do stuff with.

It is an interesting time when husbands retire!   I'm still adjusting and we just passed the one year mark.   We are still so busy running his folks to the doctors and running after everything they need, lifting his Dad and changing him that neither of us feel retired.    When the day comes that it is just us I hope we can travel a little bit back east to see my family and I hope we can go to the movies once in awhile and maybe out to eat now and then.   I am so sick of being stuck at home taking care of his folks and yet I am glad they don't have to be in a nursing home.   I just hope we get some time together, we had overlapping child raising and eldercare so we spent time doing both before our son left for the military -- we have not been on our own with privacy and freedom since the year we got married.  :(     I would love to feel bored LOL.

 

Date Posted: 9/20/2008 10:32 AM ET
Member Since: 8/19/2007
Posts: 4,169
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There are all kinds of volunteers needed everywhere - library - hospitals - historical museum/society - schools, you name it.  He might like to try that, and he can pick his days and hours for the most part.  Pat

Date Posted: 10/7/2008 9:54 AM ET
Member Since: 6/1/2008
Posts: 552
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When your husband tells you you are not meeting his needs, remember HE is scared, and bored.  One thing I have learned is that you can't fix someone else's problem. The more you harp on it, the worse it gets.

It sounds like you are getting depressed, and feeling overwhelmed with what was once your castle and is now being shared.  These things are "normal," but hard.  Retirement is a difficult adjustment for so many.  I would suggest YOU become involved in volunteer work, go to the library, etc.  Invite him, and if he says no at least he will know where you are.  Perhaps if he sees you gaing independence he will spiff up.

TELL HIM you are feeling smothered, and that his retirement has caused you to make adjustments also, You may be harboring some anger at loosing your quiet and set schedule and inadvertently lashing out to him.  If you don't journal, this would be a good time to sit and daily write your feelings out.   You may want to consider going to a counselor for a couple of sessions to work out your feelings toward these changes and get advice on how to proceed. 

 

Hopes this helps. 

Audrey

Date Posted: 10/29/2008 10:28 AM ET
Member Since: 11/17/2007
Posts: 16
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I so appreciate all the input from everyone  about this subject..I think things are improving little by little....today will be a great one as we are going to a volunteer meeting in our area for Christmas wishes. I am thrilled he agreed to go and hopefully this will be a start of things to come. keep those suggestions coming..

Date Posted: 11/29/2008 10:51 AM ET
Member Since: 11/17/2007
Posts: 16
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well ....the much anticipated volunteer work never arrived. ...now I am focusing on the upcoming birthday and the weekend away we will get to spend. I am feeling so thinly stretched by all I feel I need to do that I don't always have time for him.....aarrrgh...also this last week my daughter had a miscarriage and we had to have our lab pup put down...what a crappy week. I am trying to be optomistic about all of this but sometimes it is really hard.  I feel like our age difference is REALLY coming into play right now. The highlight of his day is napping !!!!!!!   I guess I thought I would help him stay young and instead I feel like he is making me OLD...I do not like this and strive to improve myself every day with or without him...Just needed to vent.

Date Posted: 12/16/2008 10:55 PM ET
Member Since: 11/17/2007
Posts: 16
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My time does fly when you are growing old.....I   had a wonderful day making tons of cookies with neighbors and it was much needed. I decided to let my one neighbors husband in on how I am feeling and hope he can come up with some new suggestions for me. What it really boils down to is my husband wont do any of the work to help himself...he will go do something if I am the one to plan it.....then that leads to me wearing the balls....what a load of crap..if I dont do it things never get done....I will ask friends for help with something....he will not and end up getting hurt trying to be macho...dont get me wrong...i love this man ......i cherish him..........i only want the best in life for him...but I feel like he fights me all the way on so many things...maybe i will try reverse psychology on him.....I will let you know..