Dave Barry is not making this up Author:Dave Barry ON BUYING HIS SON SNEAKERS:The salesperson's tone of voice carried the clear implication that he was going to call the Child Abuse Hotline if I didn't care enough, as a parent, to take out a second mortgage so I could purchase sufficient sneakerage for my son.... We need Congress to pass a law requiring the sneaker industry to return to the syst... more »em we had when I was growing up, under which there was only one kind of sneakers, namely U.S. Keds, which were made from Army surplus tents and which cost about $10, or roughly $1 per pound.
ON BEING LEFT-HANDED: According to the researchers, left-handers die sooner than right-handers because they have more accidents. I know why this is: We read books backwards.... This saves us a lot of time with murder mysteries, but it's a bad habit when we're reading, say, the instructions for operating a barbecue grill, and we begin with "STEP 147: IGNITE GAS."
ON THE USES OF EXPLODING POP-TARTS: When we detected incoming missiles, we'd simply hold the toaster levers down via some method (possibly involving Tom and Roseanne Arnold) and within a few minutes WHOOM the country would be surrounded by a protective wall of flames, and the missiles would either burn up or get knocked off course and detonate harmlessly in some place like New Jersey.
ON READERS' REACTION TO THE BAD SONG CONTEST: Sometimes the voters were so angry that they weren't even sure of the name of the song they hated. There were votes against "These Boots Are Made for Stomping"; the Beach Boys' classic "Carolina Girls"; "I'm Nothing But a Hound Dog"; and "Ain't No Woman Like the One-Eyed Gott."« less