If you read this, a feedback would be nice guys...
Sometimes life will throw you twists you never thought would come your way. Life will make and break you, but always remember YOU are the ONLY one in this world that can change your life. Sometimes you simply must look back and just smile, because through all the mistakes you've made they made you the person that you are today. Because as the saying goes: 'At one time everything you did was EXACTLY what you wanted.' Too many times in one's life you will feel like simply giving up and letting life pass you by. You only have one life to live and you are only young once. So live it up, break the rules, skip out on school, get tattoos, be a drama queen and be a girly girl. Always trust your friends opinions and follow your heart, not your brain. Always listen when an elder gives advice, for 90 times out of 100 they are right. Take everything lightly and many things to heart and always stay true to yourself. You must always take life by the reins and make the most of it, for you are only young once.
Somedays I love myself, but most of the time my days are filled with hate. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I was so angry at them; the drug addicts, for not saving me any xanies. But then I remembered the goodies hidden away under the bed. The box of red 'skittles' as they called them, some call it Triple C'ing. I should of known it was bad news. No one can take 16 pills, and be "ok". The next 5 days of my life were hell. I remember barely anything of those 5 days, but the thing I remember most is thinking and truly believing that I was going to die. So many times before I had thought I didn't want to live, but when it came down to it I realized I didn't want to die. A fear overcame, one I had never felt before. I will never forget those 5 days for the rest of my life. I realized how precise life really was, and I had almost let it slip thru my fingers. It was the worst experience of my life, but it taught me a lesson, or so I thought at the time. When I look back to this time in my life I see that everything receeded around this event. My life began to fall apart piece by piece. I believe they call this "hitting rock bottom," and that's exactly what I was doing.
My first taste of this lifestyle occured not soon after my stepfather's death. I was 12 years old, drunk out of my mind. A feeling of carelessness and being free overwhelmed my insides. From that day forward, I was hooked. Things started slow at first, just every once in awhile. But then I'd be drinking at every family gathering. I can remember hiding in the woods or behind the shed with my cousin, just to sneak a drink. Thinking 'how cool is this?!' If only we had known the waters we were treading into. Some adult would pass us a bottle and off we would run. I wonder sometimes if they would have made different decisions if they knew how we would turn out.
All of my life I've felt I could never sum up to the world's expectations. Many times I would cry myself to sleep, dreading the day to come. I had dug myself into a hole, and I felt as though I could never climb out. Being a drug addict feels likes being in a car, and all of a sudden the driver hits the brakes hard, and everything goes flying. My life was out of control. I always thought I was just having fun, but there came a time where I realized there was a fine line between fun and being out of control.
The day came when my parents shipped me off to rehab. A 15-year-old girl addicted to prescription pain killers. A life she was living, one her parents had no idea existed until that very day. The day my mother found my stash. A baggie of pills and the crushed white substance she thought to be cocaine.I never believed I was an ‘addict’ as they called it. But the longer I was there the more I began to believe it. I remember the dark nights in my room, crying for home, for drugs. I had never felt so lost. Being high, it was as though I never had to deal with my life. I was ‘self-medicating’ they told me. The day I was releashed felt like a new beginning for me. But some things are too good to be true. Not soon after life went back to the normal.
On the eve of my 100th day sober I was beyond trashed. I remember thinking this is a celebration of my soberity, everything will be fine. But that's when the real downward spiral began.
Some people day marijauna is the gateway drug, and I believe that. I'm the perfect example. The lighter flicks and up pops the flame. Learning toward the bowl, it lights the marijauna. I smell the sweet aroma, and I take a deep hit. Within seconds I was coughing up my lungs, all the while busting up laughing. That first day I smoked was a high I never experienced again. I felt so light and invincible. A fog cleared over my head, reactions running slow. When I think of that day, what I remember the most is laughing for hours on end, over nothing.
Love, a word I'd yearned to hear from a boy. And when I heard it, I believed him. Only now looking back I know he was a liar. The 'bad boy' type all of us girls go after, the one our parents hate. When I think of him I feel hate. I wonder if my life would of been different if I had not met this boy. I felt so strongly for him, or so I thought. I gave him my body and soul to him, only to be crushed to a million pieces. My first 'puppy love.' Before him the only drug I knew was alcohol. He betrayed my ways, and showed me a new way. Filled with hate and anger.
He told me of a girl named Susie, only she was dead. She was murdered by her boyfriend and had come to protect us, so he said. But then I dreamt of her. For the next few months Susie was everywhere with me. She filled my head with words filled of hate. I never saw her, just her words. When I think of Susie today, I can't distinguish if she was real or not. I have always been clairovoyant, but I was going thru some rough times. And I wonder if I was having what the call a 'psychotic episode.' It all seems so vague, yet so real. While in rehab I told my conselor of her and was pronounced 'skitzoprenic.' Although I do not believe I was. From that day forward I never heard again from Susie.
I can remember the days of being sweet and innocent, not a care in the world. My parents were divorced when I was barely 2. Up until the age of 7 my father had nothing to do with me. I remember the day, like it was yesterday. A knock at the door came, and appeared 2 police officers. I didn't understand at the time, until they picked me up and off we went. I'll never forget the look on my mother's face, nor the fear I felt. We sat in the cop car for what seemed like forever. And then a man showed up, one I didn't know. He turned out to be my father. For the next 6 years I hated him, and to this day that feeling is still there, only hidden deep in my soul.
**Well it's really late and this is all I have so far. I've been wanting to try and write a memoir for awhile, but I just couldn't ever seem to word it right without it being boring. I'd REALLY love some feedback on how this sounds please guys!! Thanks so much!! Jessica
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