I HIGHLY recommend this to anyone who's spouse (or significant other) has cheated on them. I have been involved in a DivorceCare class at a local church (HIGHLY recommend that too if you are separated/divorced!) and this book was on their website resource list. This book is very in-depth and very thorough. The author Glass has many years of counseling and research experience with infidelity and she covers the topic from all sides of the spouse-cheating spouse-affair partner triangle. I have loaned this out & recommended it to several acquaintenances in similar positions and it has been instrumental in my healing over the past several months. While my STBX has no interest in reconciling, there is a WONDERFUL section of this book devoted to spouses seeking to reconcile, with detailed recommendations on the process that should be involved in reconciliation. On the whole, the subtitle really does ring true - I felt like I was going crazy trying to deal with this and this book helped me in so many ways to understand that it was not "all about me" as my STBX would have me believe, but it was really mostly about HIS issues. Written from a Biblical viewpoint.
Looking for the answers? Some are here, but not for everyone. Only if you are willing to look at yourself and your part in the infidelity experienced will what the author describes be meaningful. "A marriage that has endured an affair is like a cracked vase. When the crack is repaired, the superglue makes it stronger than before, but you will always be able to see evidence of the crack." So if you don't like the crack in the vase, you toss out the vase; you get divorced. If you still cherish the vase deciding to keep it;you continue on but it will be different. There are good questions to evaluate if your relationship is vulnerable to infidelity. Great book for either the betrayed partner or the unfaithful partner. Great book to know the symptoms of infidelity and how to prevent. Has a chapter for those who have divorced due to infidelity and how to get on with your life and regain sanity. There is lots and lots of stories throughout the book which point to forgiving and moving forward.
Neither a betrayed or unfaithful spouse nor an affair partner, I read Not just friends: Rebuilding trust and recovering your sanity after infidelity as a pure spectator on the recommendation of someone rebuilding after marital infidelity. I found it offered a very systematic look at this phenomenon.
Dr. Shirley Glass, along with writing partner Jean Coppock Staeheli, takes the reader through how infidelity can occur even in good marriages, the feelings and thought processes once the affair is discovered, and how to piece the relationship back together. Some of her data-backed points and the trauma recovery model were new to me, but they made sense. I was also surprised to learn that most couples can work through infidelity and the relationship can emerge stronger, albeit with a noticeable scar.
I felt that the book was biased towards a certain type of affair, the new threat of casual workplace or internet based friendships crossing emotional and sexual boundaries (hence the title), and the assumption that both couples are committed to working through it, or that is ideally the road to take. Many of the vignettes seemed very stylized to illustrate the specific point at hand, with the couples having matching names and the affair partner having another (e.g., Ralph, Rachel, and Lara). However, I think there is a lot of step-by-step, practical advice for both spouses. The chapters on healing and forgiveness were inspiring and generally applicable.
While not great general reading material, I can see how this book can be helpful to its target audience.
Out of the many books about infidelity and learning to work through it, this book is a lifesaver. I see so many couples who think the affair is about the affair but it is understanding what was wrong in the relationship to lead to the affair and not about the other person at all. I love how Glass explains the image of one window closing and another one opening and where else can you start bonding with another person? At work! People do not realize that you need to preserve the boundaries of your marriage/relationship and not go outside to discuss it or open up yourself to another individual. This is the slippery slope that leads to danger.
Bookfanatic reviewed Not 'Just Friends': Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity on
A great book! I don't have first hand knowledge (and hope never to!) about marital infidelity, but this book really shed light on the slippery slope to an affair. All too common these days are affairs that start at the workplace. First two people have an innocent opposite sex friendship which grows more intimate over times with emotional intimacy, secrecy and sexual attraction. And this friendship, can, if left unchecked, morph into a full-blown sexual affair. The late Shirley Glass shows the step by step progression and how to avoid the pitfalls along the way. She peppers the book with real life couples. Both male and female cheaters are represented equally in the book. You see both points of view - the betrayed and the cheater. She also has a small section on the point of view of the other woman/other man. The book provides advice on reconciliation and all that must occur for it to be healing and successful. The author also provides information to those who divorce after the discovery of infidelity.
All too often these days, opposite sex friends provide emotional intimacy and support that should come from a spouse. The author shows the difference between a true friend or friend to the marriage versus someone who has an ulterior motive. The title of the book comes from the often used phrase by the cheating spouse "No..he/she is just a friend! Nothing more.." Well sometimes he or she is not just a friend. They're so much more.
This book is a wonderful resource for new couples and those looking to strengthen their marriage. I don't think this is only a book for people looking to reconcile from infidelity. We can all learn from the wisdom in this book. I've recommended this to many friends. It's definitely a keeper and I won't part with it.