The Eclectic Pen - The Jew and the Crack Whore( A true tale of NYC)


By: Matt K. (Moforious)   + 11 more  
Date Submitted: 1/29/2008
Last Updated: 1/29/2008
Genre: Biographies & Memoirs » Memoirs
Words: 829
Rating:


  Back when i was in highschool I would always go to this huge abandoned lot, right next to the Eastriver, to smoke some pot after school. Who knows what it used to be years ago? There were huge empty warehouses, crumbling piers, the whole thing overgrown with weeds and bushes. It must have been quite the busy port in its heyday. Now it was home to bums, local fisherman and late night parties. the view from the shore is one of the best views of the Manhattan skyline. So, on this particular day I crawled through the hole in the fence that surrounded the whole area and made my way down this long concrete loading dock, about halfway i jumped off and made my way to my usual smoking spot, which was a huge pile of rubble that probably used to be a building at one point. I rolled my blunt and started smoking, erasing the memories of the school day.

As i was puffing away I heard some commotion to my left, coming from the loading dock. I looked over and saw a red faced Hacidic Jew standing on top of the dock and on the ground stood a fine specimen of crack whore. Now i have seen this crack whore before. She lived beneath an upside down flatbed truck a few feet behind the rubble pile i sat on. The truck had a tarp as an entrance and she even had a few dented folding chairs in front of the entrance. Very cozy and for a homeless whore, prety ritzy.

The crack whore had a weather and life beaten face, an impressive mustache and she was wearing a robe, with her greasy mullet draped across the back. Like i said a fine example of crack whore. Anyway, the whore was yelling and cursing at the jew and he was yelling right back at her, arms flailing. At this point I was incredibly stoned and couldn't believe my luck. Shit was about to go down, I could feel it.

I thought I was about to see a fight between a Hacid and a crack whore, but alas, it was not meant to be. He kept yelling "No! No!" and shaking his head. Out of nowhere i heard someone yell "Hey! What's going on!" I turned toward the voice and saw a black bum with dreadlcoks emerging from beneath the flatbed truck. Here we go, i thought to myself. The crack whore started yelling "Get him!". When the jew heard this he tossed out a couple fuck yous and flipped them the finger and he started to run, his curls flapping, towards the main entrance into the whole place, which was a huge missing section of fence at the end of the dead end N7th Street. The dreadlocked man gave chase. Now i wanted to see a fight so I quickly ran to the hole in the fence that I originally came through. I made it to the street and saw the fleeing Hacid make a left two blocks down. Seconds later Mr.Dreadlock made it to the corner. He was frantically looking around for any sign of his prey. I tried to be helpful so I told Mr.Dreadlock that the jew turned left two blocks down. The guy thanked me but did not continue the pursuit. He turned and started walking back. I was pretty satisified with the events and I went home.

The next day I was back in my smoke spot, when who comes walking by? The crack whore. She gave me a gruesome smile and asked if I wanted a blowjob. I declined and she then asked if I had a cigarrette. i nodded and gave a her Newport. I took the opportunity to question her about the day before.

It turns out the Hacid came down to the river to get his rocks off. The crack whore saw him and they got to talking. They came to an agreement. He would pay her $20 and he could masturabate while looking at her naked. Now my mind could supply mastubatory fantasies better than anything her decrepit body could offer. I guess the Hacid just had a really bad imagination. So the crack whore went to her truck,changed and went to meet the pervert, wearing nothing but a robe. They went my some bushes, she opened the robe, he got an eyeful, jerked off and then he refused to pay. After all the work she did. That's when the argument I witnessed occured. mr.dreadlock was her boyfriend/pimp. He heard the shouting and came to collect. Mystery solved.

Now, let's be honest, we have all heard the cliche that Jews are cheap. Well, it's unfortunate incidents like this that help keep the cliche alive. Crazy shit like this is why I fucking love living in New York. Keep your eyes peeled for future tales from my life.


The Eclectic Pen » All Stories by Matt K. (Moforious)

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Comments 1 to 5 of 5
Marta J. (booksnob) - 1/29/2008 4:34 PM ET
FYI--Hasid is spelled with an "s"--and I assure you my tribe is not all stereotypically cheap. I, for instance, have never stiffed a crack whore. Even though I was highly insulted, it was funny as hell. Only in NY...
Matt K. (Moforious) - 1/29/2008 6:25 PM ET
i have nothing against the Hasids, but the incident was too crazy and funny to not mention. Sorry if you got offended, no harm intended.
Claudia R. (BrokenWing) - 1/29/2008 7:20 PM ET
Interesting story. Perhaps he wasn't satisfied with the service? Unfortunately, you don't usually get a refund if not satisfied.
Marta J. (booksnob) - 1/30/2008 3:13 PM ET
No offense taken! (Hasidim would view me on the heretical side for sure. Not sure how Matisyahu gets away with playing secular venues...)Your story reminded me of one of my most amusing NYC tales which I might now have to write.
Jessica S. (jessnoelle07) - 2/1/2008 1:06 AM ET
I liked it :). I couldn't peel my eyes off the screen. Just something about how you put the words together. And the fact that it's real. Nice write. Jessica
Comments 1 to 5 of 5