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Topic: I'm Lonely...

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T. -
Subject: I'm Lonely...
Date Posted: 12/13/2007 4:36 AM ET
Member Since: 1/21/2007
Posts: 9,989
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And when I get lonely I really wish I had a girlfriend (or a wife).  I know it isn't right or fair since I am married and that isn't likely to change, but I really feel like I'm in the wrong place with the wrong person.  Tomorrow I'll probably freak out that I wrote what I wrote tonight--but sometimes I just need to let it out, let the wings unfold and wonder what it would be like to be free....to be me.

Date Posted: 12/13/2007 6:02 AM ET
Member Since: 12/19/2005
Posts: 5,091
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{{{Hugs!}}}

Date Posted: 12/13/2007 7:05 AM ET
Member Since: 12/1/2005
Posts: 1,023
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Tammy - it's ok and please don't freak out too much, ok?  Sending hugs your way.

T. -
Date Posted: 12/15/2007 12:02 AM ET
Member Since: 1/21/2007
Posts: 9,989
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Thanks for the support....it means more than you know.

Funny....my mother and I were out and about today...and in the car I asked her if I could ask her a hypothetical question.  Then I asked her.  She said that if I ever thought I was "that way" that she wouldn't care.  Then she told me that when she was younger she often felt she was supposed to have been a boy.  I never knew that, Mom.

Date Posted: 12/15/2007 2:16 PM ET
Member Since: 5/29/2007
Posts: 13,347
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Oh Tammy, I'm sorry you're lonely.  Hugs!

Sharon C. (Mamu) - ,
Date Posted: 12/17/2007 10:51 PM ET
Member Since: 3/12/2007
Posts: 1,152
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Dear, dear Tammy.  I just read your post and although it is a few days old, I felt compelled to respond and to tell you that you're never alone.  There are so many who understand that kind of lonely.  I read your posting in November about needing to adapt to a different life and it made me so sad for you.  And for all the other people in the same boat. 

I was married (twice, actually), had four kids and an amazing, wonderful, sexy, smart husband who gave me a magnificent family.  Then a friend made a pass at me and changed my life forever.  I didn't ride off into the sunset with her or anything, but a door slammed open and like Holly Near sang, "Imagine My Surprise."  My husband and I, together, worked through what seemed like an impossible situation and I decided that I loved him and our kids and my life too much to throw it away for who knew what.  There was no one to change FOR and I couldn't see just leaving to "find myself"  That was 1978.  In 1980, he died suddenly and I was faced with being a single mother, a young widow (36) and a (maybe?) lesbianl.  It took a long time to sort all of it out and the years were sometimes hard.

Cut to the end, I did ultimately find that one perfect person. (Kissed a lot of frogs along the way.)  My DP and I have been together going on 17 years now.  I remember all too well that quiet ache that feels like homesickness for a home you've never had.  I've come to believe that's what it actually is:  a void that is there, wanting to be filled when your heart  isn't quite totally at home. 

I wish you peace and love and send you hugs and warmth...

Sharon

T. -
Date Posted: 12/18/2007 2:22 PM ET
Member Since: 1/21/2007
Posts: 9,989
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OH Sharon, thanks for sharing---your story was extremely touching.

I'm still working through this funk.  I'm wearing my sanguine facade for everyone but my face doesn't match my feelings.  I tried to talk to my husband about my lonliness and all I accomplished was him accusing me of being jealous of his female coworkers.  I can't express myself or make him understand because I don't have clarity myself.  I don't know what I want from him--I KNOW he loves me and I love him--but I don't want to spend the rest of whatever is left of my life in a passionless/sexless marriage--but I don't know HOW TO FIX IT.  I'm so frustrated.  Thanks for listening to me whine.

Date Posted: 12/18/2007 6:49 PM ET
Member Since: 1/3/2007
Posts: 236
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I am married (to a man) and trust me, there are days I really wish I was with a woman.  I have said jokingly before that if my marriage doesn't work out that's it for me and men I am turning strictly lesbian.  :)  I say it jokingly because the people I say it to would not accept it otherwise...

Sharon C. (Mamu) - ,
Date Posted: 12/19/2007 8:51 AM ET
Member Since: 3/12/2007
Posts: 1,152
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Here I am again.  No words of wisdom for you, Tammy and Sarah.  Just to say that I truly do understand.  When I first kissed a woman I thought the earth moved.  Sounds like a crummy pop song but it is just plain true.  I guess my earth did, in a way.  There was never any going back after that.  I am still attracted once in a blue moon to a man (William Peterson, for an example--yum) and I had sexual relationtships with men aftter that, but across the board, no.  I suppose since I did have a "successful" marriage I am technically bisexual but I am so far over on that continuum to be considered just plain garden-variety lesbian.  As a matter of fact, my kids would be perplexed to hear me say anything about being bisexual.  As far as they are concerned, after their dad died I "switched teams," as they frequently and so eloquently put it.  :)

The whole social thing is irritating to me.  Why shouldn't a young woman be curious and open enough to have that choice, to examine her attractions BEFORE she commits to one gender for life?  But do you ever hear, "So are you dating any nice girls?"  We are all expected to commit to a lifetime of loving and sharing with an opposite gender person, so there is never a chance to think about the options, let alone allow any of "those" feelings manifest.  Or at least that's the way it has been before; maybe that is changing now--I hope so, but I kinda doubt it.

I'm also guessing that some of what you are feeling has to do with the time of year, too.  Short days, long nights, everyone coupled and seemingly cheerful.  It can wear on you at the best of times. 

Sending love, warmth, and sunshine....

Sharon

Date Posted: 12/19/2007 11:16 AM ET
Member Since: 1/11/2006
Posts: 7,581
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Sharon - your posts have been great.

This is a safe place to chat about all of these feelings - I'm glad that you came in here, Tammy & Sarah.

Date Posted: 12/20/2007 1:48 PM ET
Member Since: 6/29/2005
Posts: 2,052
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Hello All, Yes I too know the hole in the soul the wind blows through.... I am blessed by God who found my partner for me.  I was too afraid to be honest with myself due to my up bring...... But God gave me what I prayed for for 22yrs. I just didn't know it would be in a women!!! Wow was I surprised!!   I know this time of year is hard on everyone one way or another. So my words of wisdom are  Be True to Yourself !!  Look in the mirror who do you see?? Do you even know that person any more?? You would be surprised :) I was.

Happy Holidays

Date Posted: 2/6/2008 2:31 AM ET
Member Since: 11/21/2007
Posts: 7,250
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After glanceing (sp?) through some of the posts on this thread, I was reminded of a book I have (but don't want to part with). The title is From Weded Life to Lesbian Life. It is a collection of true stories of formerly maried women who are now involved in lesbian relationships.

L. G. (L)
Date Posted: 2/6/2008 2:56 AM ET
Member Since: 9/5/2005
Posts: 12,412
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There are just so many differences between men and women.  What women need in a relationship is more difficult for men to relate to, and I think that's why other women are so attractive, in so many ways.

 

T. -
Date Posted: 2/6/2008 3:48 AM ET
Member Since: 1/21/2007
Posts: 9,989
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At this point I don't know any more.  I love my DH.  I cannot imagine life without him.  He is my best friend.  But I long for something different, something passionate, something real.  Something beyond what I've ever known--and for all I know that something doesn't even exist, but is just a made-up fantasy in my delusional mind.  Sexual attraction is the easy part---when your body physically informs you of what arouses you--it is everything else that is the difficult part.

Date Posted: 2/6/2008 4:44 PM ET
Member Since: 6/29/2005
Posts: 2,052
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Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh Tammy be VERY Careful what you wish for ....... I prayed for many years and when God answered my prayers it was with a women. I too was married and longed for 22yrs But I wasn't ready for that one. I took a huge leap of faith and Love and almost 8 yrs later we are everything I wanted and then some. But you need to be  ready for it.......Take Care of you.

Date Posted: 2/7/2008 6:17 PM ET
Member Since: 12/20/2005
Posts: 152
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Tammy, I too was married to men twice, even though I have always been attracted to women.  At the time, It just didn't seem like it was a choice for me.   It's so funny now to think of it, but  I remember thinking that I loved my second husband so much because he was so much like a woman...DUH.  I was married to my second husband for only two years. They were the longest years of my life, because I fell in love with one of my female co-workers. She and I were together for 8 great years. We were too different and the relationship didn't last.  Fast forward 20 years, I'm with a wonderful woman and have two lovely children. 

Tammy,  I know the loneliness that you are feeling.  For me It felt like an ache in my soul.  Please think long and hard before you act.  I caused so much pain when I made my decision.  Now I know it was the right thing to do, but I would hate to relive that time in my life.

Thank you for sharing your feeling with us.  I happy that you feel safe enough to do so.

Date Posted: 2/18/2008 12:05 PM ET
Member Since: 1/23/2006
Posts: 609
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Tammy, I also understand. I am happily married to a wonderful man that I expect to spend the rest of my life with. But there will always be a part of me that wants something different. After a lot of honest discussions, my DH gave me "permission" to have a GF, but when given the opportunity, I found that I couldn't go thru with it because I knew it would hurt him too much.

For a while I was posting on a message board that had a subforum for women in our position. I had to quit that though, it just kept things too fresh for me.

I wish you the best - whatever happens!

Date Posted: 2/18/2008 7:34 PM ET
Member Since: 10/2/2007
Posts: 32
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Been there, done that, Tammy.  I didn't know what true happiness was until I found my soulmate...and it wasn't my husband.

Sometimes we have to take big risks for love. Funny thing....it's worth it.

Hang in there.