Hi! My name is Carrie and I'm a caregiver for my father. I have been looking for a support group online for people like me. I would like to start this because some of us don't get a break to actually leave the house to go and vent and seek help for ourselves.

I am lucky in a way because when I got into this mess, it was made very clear that we would have someone here in the am to help with the bathing and such for my dad. I get 4 hours a day to myself unless something comes up (which is usually every other day).

Let me tell you a little about myself. I am the youngest of 8. I have 5 brothers, 1 sister, and a brother that passed away. I have a degree in Massage Therapy and large background in medical field. On top of taking care of my dad, I have a 15 yr old and 8yr old plus a loving husband.  My mom died last year in Feb '07 from cancer. My dad fell and broke his back the following month.  We moved in with him this past Jan '08 because he needed 24 hr care. My dad and I had many long talks and just knew that it would be me moving in and taking care of him. I don't mind it because I get to see him everyday and they don't. But I am very tired and have bitter feelings at times! (ok alot of times) That is why I thought this would be a good thing.

If you would like to join the group please do! We can vent, share stories, exchange thoughts, and be there for one another.

If anythings, thanks for reading this note!

Carrie :)

Hi Carrie,

My involvement with caregiving has been a very long story - but recently things changed and my role is shifting around now - finally after 6 real intense years.  I took care of my husbands parents (they are still alive and are 88 and 96) -- until May of this year.    Now his Dad had to be put in a nursing home and his Mom opted to move in with my sisterinlaw for now anyway.    My husband got real sick and had to have 2 colon surgeries over the past 2 months and he is unable to lift his dad ever again basically -- and I am unable to continue their care either for more sanity reasons.    So, my husband is recovering and I am job hunting.     I am happy to say that even with all these changes everyone involved is now happier.    Things tend to work out I guess.   I had gotten very very down about it and thought nothing would ever change and in fact I came close to leaving my husband and his family because none of them would take me seriously when I said I couldn't keep on doing it.   The diapers around the clock and the bathing and cooking and live in situation (they lived with us 5 years) was really dragging me down a lot. 

Now is my chance to do something different and others can take care of my inlaws.   I still take care of my husband some but he is very independent.  He doesn't have the colostomy bag anymore so mostly I do normal wife things now like cook, clean, etc. and the yard work because he can't do that right now.

I've learned a lot about taking care of elderly parents, mainly what not to do.  And some about Medicare and Medicaid and nursing homes now.  I can say that it is easier to take care of them when they are somewhere else not in your own home.   It can get too intense and difficult if you have no breaks and the work is 24/7.    I am able to love them better and be more of a daughterinlaw when they are somewhere else.  My own parents are 1/2 way across the country and I really miss them.   My husband is 19 years older than me and both of us have needed to take care of one another at times after surgery etc.   I guess we all will be caregivers -- taking care of ourselves, our spouses and sometimes parents.   At one time I had my son still home and the inlaws living here.

I have a degree in journalism and a certificate in early childhood.   But I have had every job imaginable and right now I just want work that I can leave at the workplace when I come home.   LOL   

More later, I gotta go cook something.

I agree with you Chris that everyone is a caregiver sometime in their lives. But what you and I both share is the fact that we took or taking care of parents without or little help. I was wondering if you could give me the name of the books that you found to be helpful. I would appreciate it! Good luck on the job hunt! :)

Hi guys!  I am also a caregiver.  Itake care of my husband's granfather.  He is almost 92.  He still drives and can pretty much function normally.  He cannot hear and I am his ears.  We moved in with him three years ago after his wife died.  He had given up his will to live.  At the time our daughter was one.  She has given him a whole new purspective on life.  He really enjoys having her in the house.  She is now almost five.  On top of taking care of him I also have to take care of her and my husband.  Sometimes that is really tough.  I have a disease called neurosaarcoidosis.  My husband also had a heat stroke about two years ago.  He has not been the same since.  He forgets a lot of things.  His doctor said he had slight brain damage.  He is able to work and function most of the time.  When we first got married he was never sick.  Now he is sick all the time.  If he gets to hot he will sleep for days and then not remember what he did.  After he got home from the hospital he forgot the next six months.  He tore up his truck and does not remember it.  We have been married for 11 years so this has been quite an adjustment.  It used to be that I was always the sick one, but now I just don't have time to be sick.  And to top it all off, in August I am starting schhol.  I don't know how I am going to get everything done.

I think a support group is an excellent idea!!

Hey Johnna! Thanks For joining! I am right with you there. My father broke his back March of '07. I've had to deal with his depression and help him more with the dealing with my mom being gone. They were married 53 years. Just since I've moved in, he has been able to express his feelings more and more. I have a bipolar disorder with severe anxiety. So when he's been depressed so have I. If it weren't for my young kids and funny husband, I think I'd be locked up by now ! :P 

That would be an adjustment for you and your husband. My husband has a bone spur on his ankle that he had been fighting for who knows how long. Since we have been living here, my dad's doctor comes to the house. My hunny didn't get to far in the house without the doc asking questions! My husband hates doctors! It is funny how he has changed in the last year. Besides my parents situation, my inlaws weren't doing that great either last year. My father in law went for galbladder surgery. the first time, his doctor couldn't do it and gave him infection that last a month. The second is worked out great! About 2 monthes later (Aug) my mother inlaw was in the hospital for a stroke. Found out she had about 5 of them. The first doctor said it was her heart! Men! :P

I agree with you on the kids living with the grandparents. Mine have helped my dad a bit. One is 8 and other is 15.  Dad has been having fun saying that I deserve every bit from these kids! He has been laughing and enjoying life a bit more. 

Let me know what you are going to school for. Like to hear about it! Hope you hear from you soon!

Carrie :)

Hi Carrie.  I added you to my buddy list but my stupid computer keeps saying something about pop ups.  I am not very computer savvy.  Most days I am lucky I can spell.  I am going to school for medical office technology.  It is going to specialize in transcription.  I want to be able to work from home.  It's not like I can get a normal job.  There are just not enough hours in the day.  There is one thing I will like and it is that on Tuesdays and Thursdays my mom will come over and watch everyone.  I have two classes that I am going to take over the internet (if I can figure out how) and two I will take at the college.

I agree with you that the kids are a good thing for the grandparents.  My daughter loves all her men. HAHA!!  I'll tell you about that.  We live with Grandaddy, and of course, her daddy.  Down the street is her papa, that's my husband's dad, then her Uncle Craig lives down the street, and her other Uncle lives across the yard.  She has major princess issues.  She refuses to listen to me.  If I say something she just goes around me to get her way.  The really bad part of that is that grandaddy doesn't even know he does it.  He can't hear, so when I tell her no and she goes to him he just says okay.  It's downright annoying.  Do you have any of these problems?  Let me know.  Also do you work?

I work out of home doing massage therapy when I can. I do have an aid that comes inthe morning from 8-noon. But lately she has been really bad and waking me up or asking me stupid questions. So really I haven't had a break from my dad so it is difficult to have a job. I was suppose to work for a friend of mine from home ordering his supplies because he doesn't have the time and he doesn't want his employees doing it. He ahs changed his mind about 5 times now!

I suggest that you do your best to put a stop to the cute little girl of yours from going around your back. It will get worse when she's older. I should know, mine is 15 now! What does your husband do about it when she does that to you?

My husband thinks that it is funny and he encourages her.  My father in law laughs and says that is job security for my husband.  I know what you mean about people waking you up and it is annoying.  Around here people just walk in.  If your not awake you get that way fast.  My husband's uncle comes over every morning to see his dad.  He gets here at 6:00 a.m.!!!  When grandaddy talks you can hear him thriugh most of the house.  So who has time to sleep.  And if it is not someone talking the phone is ringing for some reason.  Well, I have to go to the post office.  I hope you had a good July 4th.  Try to get a good night's rest.  Johnna

I think I would be havin me some words with that man of yours! I would point out things like you wouldn't believe! He may think its cute and all but he better be ready when she getting older! It is funny but fustrating at the same time! Been there done that! Daughter tried that and it didn't work!

The aid has put her nose in where it doesn't belong and I got on her today! BOY! My daughter had an apt this morning at 9:45am near our old house. It takes about 40 mins to get there. Well, my alarm went off at 8am and she comes into my room within 5 mins and wakes me up! I wanted to kill her! I even told her so! I understand she is a very caring person and just wants to help but enough is enough! I told my dad about it! He goes "well she has to know everything. That's why I ask her about anything and everything so her nose stays out of stuff!"

I understand she was trying to be helpful, but *&^&* ( and a few other words)  I was finally in my own bed for the first time in over a week! I let loose! Oh well! She is off tomorrow! I can sleep in! YEA! YEA!  Doing the happy dance!

I totally understand about someone always coming and going. My dad suggested that we start writing down who comes to visit. In one week we had over 40 people! So I'm right there with you in the same boat! Sometimes you want to disconnect the phone, shut all the shades, hide the cars, and give a dose of something to the one you have to take care of so you can go and take a long nap!  Good luck in finding time for yourself. Make sure that you do everyday! Otherwise you won't know who you are anymore!

Hope you had a safe and wonderful 4th. We did! It was nice and quiet! I actually got a nice long nap in! SIGH No noise for 3 long wonderful hours! :)  :)  :)

Do you have a job?

No, I do not have a job.  My husband doesn't think a mother should work.  He has kind of changed his tune on that one and is okay with me going to school. Of course it will be after she starts kindergarten before I will be done.  I will also be able to work from home. 

We had a good fourth of July.  My husband didn't have to work and we spent some family time.  Usually that means getting on the 4-wheeler and going to the river.  We live on an 18 acre farm.  It ends at the river and my daughter loves it down there.

I am glad that you got to take a nap.  I probably would have had a few choose words myself.  I rarely get to sleep in so if I do it can get scary to wake me up.  My dad says that I can cuss like a sailor!!  But not in front of the child.  My husband doesn't have a clue about being a teenage girl, so I will have to be the one who deals with the mess he has made.  I keep trying to tell him and he says that his baby is perfect.  It's like yesterday, my mom and I went to K-Mart.  My daughter wanted something and I said no.  She threw a fit.  She kept asking for things and I kept saying no.  She would whine about it.  My mom actually rewarded her bad behavior and bought her something after I told her not to.  Nobody pays attention to me.  I must be invisible.

P.S.  I think my husband is delusional, what do you think?

Just a little! (to your ps) You have to say something to your mom. That was bs if you ask me! I would scream my head off! It is only going to get worse. What happens when she goes to school and does get her way? What then? It just gets worse! BEEN THERE DONE THAT! What a mess! You might want to have a family meeting and voice your feelings about this because otherwise you will be running in circles.

I wish we had that much land! My dad lives on a river so it's not that bad. My hunny takes his canoe and I join him when i can. It has been getting better around here so I get more free time. YEA!

I can talk until I'm blue in the face, nobody listens to me!!!  I have a funny for you.  The other day My daughter was outside and she lost one of her daddy's tools.  THEN, when he told her to find it she mouthed off.  He made her go to her room and not come out for about 10 minutes.  I heard her in there telling her teddy bear that her daddy didn't love her anymore.  She just wailed and wailed.  I was trying not to laugh!!!  He is getting a taste of his own medicine.  Is it cruel of me to think that was funny?  I thought of the school thing myself.  When the principle calls me to his office, I am going to call my husband and make him go.  That's the plan anyway. 

We have to have that much land because, my husband is the biggest anti social person you have ever met.  He doesn't like neighbors.  We also have a rather large dog whom has to have a lot of room.  I have never been on a canoe or in one however that goes.  We have a boat and go fishing when we get flooded in.  It is fun.  Most people flip out when they get flooded in but not anyone around here.  It happens about every two years.  We have to stay home for about a week.  That is great family time.  I'm glad you got more time to sleep.  Have fun.  Johnna

I am laughing right along with you! Deserves him right! I actually get to go on a date with my hunny this weekend. I'm so happy :) We are going to the movies. But of course my dad has something planned and I have been trying to find someone else to drive him. Oh well! Things will work out. The weather here is very humid and I hate it! :)>

Maybe we should have our husband's meet because mine is the same way! When it rains a great deal, the river goes up of course. The neighbors on both sides get flooded and we don't! I laugh alot when that happens! 

I have a book that has been recommended to me by a friend. It's called "When Roles Reverse" by Jim Comer. I have it on my wish list. I heard that it helps people like us!

Goota go! Dad's yelling for me! Take care and have a good day!

Carrie :)

I hope your date was great.  My birthday is coming up soon and I think my hunny is going to take me to the movies.  We will of course see the movie he has been waiting on.  He is a big X-Files fan.  The movie comes out on July 25 and my birthday is the 31st, so it worked out great for him.  I also liked the show so it won't be a hardship.

So your husband is anti-social also.  Was he in the military?  Most of the men in my husband's family have been in the military.  His brother was not and he is actually a pretty sociable guy.  Maybe it ruins them?  Just about everyone in our community of about a three mile stretch of road is ex-military.  We have guys from the army, navy , and marines.  They are a pretty scary bunch.

I will try to find that book at the local used bookstore when I can.  My car is messed up so I will have to wait until it is fixed.  I might just call and ask her and if they do have the book I can have my mom go pick it up.  I'll let you know if i find it.  Hope you have a great day. 

Johnna

Hey! Yes, we finally had a date! We actually went out to breakfast at the local hole in the wall. My stomach was already upset from my anxiety so it didn't help much! Oh well, he is so use to it! Anyways, we went to HellBoy 2! It was great! Go see it if you can! we only had a total of 7 people in the whole theater! It was great! We then went shopping afterwards and found out that my busy body sister stopped over for a visit. My hunny and I asked each how long we could shop before we REALLY had to return!

I have that book on my wish list. I hope to get it soon. If I come acrossed it in the next few days I'll let you know and send it to you. I have a used book store not from here and will check with them to see if they have it.

I'm glad you had a good time.  We saw a sneak preview for Hellboy 2 and it looked pretty good.  My hubby has been standing over my shoulder so I am kind of slow this evening.  Do you have anxiety problems?  I have anxiety so bad that I can't talk to new people.  I have trouble going to new places also.  A lot of my problem is that when we were little my dad would yell at us if we were going somewhere.  I have panic attacks really bad.  My hubby and I usually have to take separate cars to go to the same place.  I don't know why, but he makes me nervous.

LOL! ROFL!! TOTALLY understand! I was diagnosed with severe anxiety. I usually drive. (Control issue I think)  After we have been to the place for awhile and I finally have relaxed, I'll let him drive us home. He tail gates really bad! Scares the blazes out of me!  Are you on any meds?

I'm not now because we don't have insurance anymore and I can't afford them.  They tried to put me on anti-depresants, but I could not take them.  They make me sick.  It doesn't matter what kind, it makes me sick.  My DR. put me on Klonopin.  That's some good stuff.  I was on;y suppose to take it right before going into a situation that I knew was going to cause an attack.  If you take it every day it will make you into a zombie.  It's what htey give crazy people to calm them down.  That doesn't sound to good for me, does it? lol  I had to go to New Orleans and pick up my hubby and it was a place I had never been before.  I took one before I left.  My brother-in-law went with me and he drove all night.  We got there picked up the hubby and turned around and came back.  About half way throughthe trip back I had to take another one.  It was a good trip.  I had no problems what so ever.   If we are going to a place we have been to together, we can usually go in the same car.  But I have slowly been getting better without the help of medication.  That is a good thing because I have had severe anxiety since I was a child.  My doctor said was was the only person he had ever seen who has four out of five kinds of anxiety.

As for driving, no one will get in the car with me.  Apparently, they don't think I know how to drive.  When I was sixteen, my dad taught me how to drive a race car.  That was a bad thing according to my mom.   My daughter is the only one who doesn't complain.  She's four so she doesn't know any better. HAHA

I take ativan! My daughter calls it my happy pill! LOL It works will and doesn't give my any side affects like alot of other meds that I've taken. I don't have a choose. I have to have meds the rest of my life. I hate it but I was told that if I didn't take my meds that I was in big trouble! My dad can't handle it when i don't taken them! More later!

Hey again! My hubby and his brother were race car drivers. Its usually not him (hubby) that bothers me for driving but its all the others. I'm getting a lot better! My kid is 15yrs old. I won't be in the car when she drives! Funny thing is that she even agrees! LOL I told hubby that he is going to have to teach her how to drive because my anxiety is too high.

I'll ride with you! It can't be that bad! LOL We will make sure no one is on the road so we have the whole thing to ourselves! LOL  My son doesn't complain either ~ just about are we there yet to grandma's? LOL

You have a good day! Talk to you soon!

Carrie :)

PS. I am glad to see that we have had over 100 people look at the discussion string. I hope that more people join us! They are more than welcome!

That is great that 100 people have looked at this string.  It is helpful to have someone to vent to whom is in the same situation. 

My hubby's grandfather will also ride with me.  He thinks I am a good driver.  He is almost 92 and he still has hhis driver's license.  It is pretty scary.  When he leaves he tells me every stop he is going to make so I can get an idea how long he will be gone.  That way if he is gone to long I can go look for him.  He has had several accidents.  No one will take his license away from him, so I am the one who gets stuck at home worrying about him.  I will not ride with him, so when I take him to the doctor he lets me drive.  Have you ever been in the car with a 90 year old man?  It is not fun!!!  He thinks the whole road is his and he doesn't slow down for curves.

Well gotta go tend to the child.  Hope you are having a good day!!

Johnna

Yes I have ridden with a 96 year driver. He was really good believe it out not. I was very suprised! i have seen and riden with several of the older generation that think they own the whole road. You can't see their heads over the steering wheel. SCARY! My dad still has his license. I won't take it from him because it's his id and his freedom to still have it.

Gotta go! Hope you are having a great weekend! Talk to you soon!

I hope that we have more people that we chat with us! It would be nice to meet more people.

Carrie :)

NOBODY WILL TAKE HIS LICENSE BECAUSE HE IS STUBBORN AND THEY DON'T WANT TO ARGUE WITH HIM.  HE MOSTLY JUST GOES TO TOWN TO GET LUNCH AND MAIL LETTERS.  HE HAS TO GO EVERY DAY OR HIS DAY IS NOT COMPLETE.  SOMETIMES MY DAUGHTER WANTS TO GO WITH HIM AND I HAVE TO DRIVE.  THERE IS NO WAY SHE IS GETING IN THE CAR WITH HIM BY HERSELF.

TODAY IS THE DAY MY HUBBY AND I GET TO SPEND QUAILTY TIME TOGETHER.  HIS MOM TAKES THE CHILD TO CHURCH WITH HER AND GRANDADDY GOES TO CHURCH.  MOST SUNDAYS WE SIT AROUND AND LISTEN TO THE SILENCE!!  IT IS NOT SOMETHING WE ARE USED TO.  WE EVEN HAVE TO WATCH A MOVIE THREE OR FOUR TIMES TO SEE THE WHOLE THING.  SHE RARELY SPENS THE NIGHT AWAY FROM US.  SHE THINKS THAT SHE IS GOING TO AND THEN CALLS ME AT NINE OR TEN AT NIGHT TO COME GET HER.

IT WOULD BE NICE TO MEET MORE PEOPLE.  I'M NOT REALLY GOOD AT FINDING NEW FRIENDS.  I AM GOING BACK TO SCHOOL IN AUGUST AND DON'T KNOW HAW I AM GOING TO SURVIVE BEING AROUND THAT MANY STRANGERS.  MOST OF THE FRIENDS THAT I HAVE, I HAVE KNOWN SINCE KINDERGARTEN.  SOCIAL SITUATIONS MAKE ME NERVOUS.  HOPEFULLY I WILL NOT HAVE TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET MEDICATION.

GOTTA GO.  TALK TO YOU LATER, JOHNNA

Hi! Sorry I haven't gotten back to you until now. My dad and brother had their birthday on Tuesday and I was busy getting everything done. My dad told me late (10pm) Sun nite that we were going to have a party on Tuesday. Don't you just love the notice?? Well, everything got done and went very well. Both had fun. the next day, my dad and I were so tired that we basically slept the whole afternoon away! Oh well! My son is with my in-laws so that has helped a great deal this week. My husband spent money and didn't tell me until today so we have an overdraft with the account.  I shouldn't be dealing with money but he keeps giving it back to me! Why doesn't he understand that I have a major problem with money????? HELP! I really want to ring his cute neck but it wouldn't be worth it!

I gotta go, the nurse finally showed up. We had a VERY LONG nite. His cath started leaking at 1;30am, again at 4am, then again at 6am. the nurse just got here. it's 11 am. Go figure how I feel to day! :P

Talk to you soon! Hope your day is better than mine

Carrie :)P

IT IS QUITE ALRIGHT.  IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAVE HAD SOME EXCITEMENT!!  HOPE YOU GET THAT CATH FIXED. 

I USUALLY WAIT UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE TO TELL MY HUBBY THAT WE ARE HAVING A PARTY, TOO.  HIS FAMILY IS NOT MUCH ON PARTIES.  WHEN I WAS GROWING UP MY MOM HAD A PARTY FOR EVERYTHING.  SO I MAKE THEM DO IT TOO.  WE HAVE BIRTHDAY PARTIES, EASTER PARTIES, CHRISTMAS PARTIES, AND JUST THE OCCASIONAL PARTY FOR NO REASON.  THEY HAVE LEARNED TO LIVE WITH IT.  NEXT WEEKEND IS MY 11 YEAR WEDDING ANNIVERSERY. THE DAY AFTER THAT IS HIS PARENTS 40 YEAR WEDDING ANNIVERSERY.  I TRIED TO GET THEM TO THROW A PARTY FOR THAT AND THEY WOULDN'T. SO WE ARE ALL GOING TO TAKE THEM OUT TO EAT AT A NICE RESTAURANT.  MY BIRTHDAY IS ALSO THAT WEEKEND, SO I THINK AFTER WE LEAVE THE RESTAURANT, WE ARE GOING TO GO TO THE MOVIES.  MY SISTER IS GOING TO WATCH OUR CHILD FOR US!!  HOORAY FOR LETTING MY SISTER MOVE IN NEXT DOOR!!  WE STILL HAVE THE PLACE WHERE WE LIVED BEFORE MOVING IN WITH GRANDADDY.  IT IS RIGHT ACROSS THE FIELD.  HER AND HER HUSBAND AND THEIR KIDS MOVED OVER THERE A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO.

I HOPE YOU HAVE A BETTER DAY TOMORROW!!  GOOD LUCK! 

JOHNNA