|it is summer again, in the past. the leaves swell like my desires, they fill with the energy of the light and create substance. they sway with the wind and hold tight as the insects feats. enduring each storm and growing taller into the sky, networking complicated systems of roots into the earth.
in my mind there is a room where light is pushing heavily against the edges of an oak door. pushing and desiring to wrap me like the empty space of air that fits the entirety of my body constantly. but i turn and ignore this room, ignoring it's want & lust for me. the room holds happiness and soft whispers, collections of gentle memories of sensual soft kisses. full of undressing shyly and being aroused by the simple sight of her delicate nipple. images blind my thought process of her soft fresh shaved legs, and the smell of her warm scalp as i hover and breathe into her ear. hours of titillation, months of urgency and salaciousness. we pledged our bodies to pulsate with one another, to fail at procreation just to sweat and rehearse. lying awake as the street light seeped through the blinds and laid in a hush across our bodies we would talk about forever. there was fire in my words and no other woman mattered, until one day a thought crashed my mind, an evil thought that i was confident i could hide. but there is a reality as i fall through my thoughts that my mind is trying to cover up.
the past was a deadly parade pipe-bombed for the grace of her security. there are lies that rotted us from the inside. there is a woman in the office next to mine that i could not stop looking at, and a woman at a seminar that would not stop fascinating me with words that could have intoxicated a lion. limerence and sway, and the weight of my lovers words grew lighter and lighter as i paid mind to the thoughts that would swell in my heart. my eyes were leaves and the photosynthesis was me taking in the images of other women and thinking about them in the shower. thinking about them, playing with thoughts and replacing my feelings of passion and care for the one that loved me for quick daydreams of rapture and destruction with other women. as my love would lay ready to receive my glans and shaft, wet and ready, for only me, melding into one, i slowly became ready to conquer not to please her or love her. toward the end i would vomit uncontrollably and strenuous while she would bring up marriage. while she would tell me things about children and about how secure she was with me. but there is a reality as i fall further through my thoughts that my mind knows is true, truth & pain.
as i lay here and she still calls wanting a better explanation, needing to know what she can fix, needing to know why i will not talk. i am terrified to tell her that it was me, that it was all my fault, that she was perfect and i am flawed. i am afraid to do something wrong, something irreversible. too afraid to tell her that my mind is powerful and creates desires for the unnecessary constantly. an appetite that i sulk over hourly. i never touched another woman, but all i think now is about everyone but her. if ever there was a time to set a fire in the metropolitan in my mind and let the flames baptize all unnecessary want or perceptions, now would be the place, the time, the emotion, for a firebomb. i cannot sleep because i have created in her a torn reality & pain. a broken womb that i promised i would not rupture. another two years leaking and escaping because i am a coward, a shell, an empty house with broken windows, sunken roof, and sinking pillars. a broken open seed.