The Eclectic Pen - Rattling Bars


By: Scott W. (Rev)   + 36 more  
Date Submitted: 1/6/2007
Genre: Literature & Fiction » Poetry
Words: 54
Rating:


  Prisoner of a world
Without semblance of purpose
I must dare to pursue
The transparent ecstasy
Of a mortal hereafter
A paradise between torment and folly
Possessing the subtle beauty
Of the wretched angels
Those that endure cruel existence
And scorn celestial desolation
Their eternal soul a black shadow
Of simple desire
Beyond yet invisible
True heaven lives in the wise laughter
Of glorious melancholy
Live for the dream


The Eclectic Pen » All Stories by Scott W. (Rev)

Member Comments


Leave a comment about this story...




Comments 1 to 5 of 5
Jim H. (Pecos45) - 1/7/2007 9:48 AM ET
Very interesting thoughts.
Courtney Z. - 3/1/2007 3:46 PM ET
WOW! Some of these are GREAT lines: dare to pursue the transparent ecstasy of a mortal hereafter.... but again, you need to edit, because a lot of words here are superfluous and detract from the power of the images and metaphors you are shping. See what happens if you take out the pronouns, prepositions, articles...I think it would be more powerful that way
Courtney Z. - 3/1/2007 3:49 PM ET
Here's an idea of what I meant in my other comment Prisoner of a world Without semblance of purpose I dare to pursue transparent ecstasy Of mortal hereafter paradise between torment and folly Possessing subtle beauty Of wretched angels that endure cruel existence scorn celestial desolation eternal soul black shadow simple desire Beyond yet invisible True heaven lives in wise laughter glorious melancholy Living for dreams What do you think now? does it still mean what you wanted it to?
Sarah F. - 4/27/2007 4:44 PM ET
I think this looks like someone trying to use every big word they know in a poem. It looks like a poem trying desperately to be grandiose but ending up looking like fake jewels - lots of bling but no value.
Scott W. (Rev) - 4/29/2007 11:20 PM ET
Actually, I pulled the words out of a hat.
Comments 1 to 5 of 5