The Eclectic Pen - The Real Resume


By: LC P. (smallorder)   + 4 more  
Date Submitted: 4/11/2007
Genre: Humor & Entertainment » Humor
Words: 465
Rating:


  Smallorder Smith
PO Box 10000
A-block-&-ahalf-from-the-middle-of-nowhere, MS
Home: 601-555-1000 Cell: 601-555-1000
Email: smallorder99@yahoo.com


Qualifications
Way too many years in the field of law during my early working years. Worked for all kinds of lawyers, from high powered corporate firms whose clients included Motown, Playboy Club, and the Mafia, to CPAs with law degrees who did the taxes of American executives living abroad, and former IRS agents with law degrees, to lowly attorneys eking out a living doing collections for truly, scum-sucking debt collectors. As of late, worked for former asbestos attorneys who switched to pharmaceutical mishaps but returned to general practice in the end.

Relevant Experience
Legal Assistant, Bubba Buford, P.A. In-the-cener-of-town, MS
Duties included but not limited to: combing through client’s medical files gleaning detailed information for Plaintiff’s Profile Sheets for litigation with pharmaceutical companies, interviewed/pumped/pryed/threatened clients for additional information, photographed client’s body parts or anything else required (if they couldn’t supply a photograph themselves), edited for grammar, punctuation, and word usage attorney briefs and memorandums, typing/writing all the usual legal documents, pleadings, letters, explaining legal delays to clients, and all the other strange and mysterious stuff that goes on at law offices. After Bubba retires, the staff and I are going to write sitcoms about our adventures here.

Other Experience
Store manager, Videos and More, Boonies, MS
Responsible for all sales and security in video store with adult entertainment department. Received numerous bonuses for high sales of adult toys, creams, doodads, whatnots, and You'veGot2BeKidding Blowups.

Tax Preparer, Jackson-Hewitt, Big City, MS
Graduated Jackson-Hewitt tax school, then, guess what: interviewed customers and prepared their tax forms. Also, found mistakes of other preparers while trying to convince customer we really knew what we were doing.

Market Researcher, Old Market, Ole Miss, MS
Conducted in-depth phone interviews to find out market information for various clients, conducted various product testing studies with old subjects to determine the utility of written instructions and ease of use of products, researched various products for inclusion in a chain of stores marketed at “Baby Boomers.” Did all this while dealing with all the spirits that inhabited the office building which was once a mortuary.

And before all this: Freelance speech and news writer, newspaper columnist, technical/scientific typist, tour guide, English as a Second Language instructor, college level tutor in English, history, business management, science fair project coordinator and judge, administrative assistant, technical graphicist, chief cook and bottle washer.

Education
More education than what I needed but came in handy raising three children. I guess there is a price to pay for being a professional student all those years.
Secondary Education and way too many graduate classes at various premier universities in Michigan and Mississippi.
B.S. in Business Administration, major: Labor and Industrial Relations which can't be mentioned in Mississippi, so it's known as Management, Bastard University, Motown, Michigan

References Available Upon Request


The Eclectic Pen » All Stories by LC P. (smallorder)

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Comments 1 to 3 of 3
Lorraine R. (Lorraine528) - 4/12/2007 4:56 PM ET
I like this, I am also from Michigan and used to work in law offices, so I appreciate it!!--Lorraine
Claudia R. (BrokenWing) - 4/13/2007 10:44 PM ET
Cute; all us job seekers can relate.
Adrienne S. - 4/14/2007 6:20 PM ET
Although this is not a story, it is surely a great peice of writing. Well written, and creatively thought out. Makes me wonder where this person will end up. I will be looking for more of your work on the E-Pen. sincerely, a
Comments 1 to 3 of 3