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Topic: Any recomendations,,for books on divorce?

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Subject: Any recomendations,,for books on divorce?
Date Posted: 3/9/2008 2:33 PM ET
Member Since: 12/2/2005
Posts: 70
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Hi  All, I find myself in the unfortunate spot, of getting a divorce. We have been separated for a long while, tried to get back togther,,but I decided that too much damage has been done. And so,,he filed for divorce. I just discovered this on Friday a.m., when the sheriff knocked on my door to deliver the papers. I panicked, and didnt answer the door. Not very mature on my part!   He has a lawyer, and I cant afford one. We have a 10 year old son,and a house. My son and I live in the house.I've been paying the morgage for 2 years,,Now he wants to sell it. any advice would be helpfull.  Thank you !!   Maggie

Date Posted: 3/9/2008 9:15 PM ET
Member Since: 6/16/2005
Posts: 86
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T



Last Edited on: 1/19/09 8:48 AM ET - Total times edited: 1
Date Posted: 3/10/2008 12:56 AM ET
Member Since: 12/2/2005
Posts: 70
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Thanks Linda,I ordered that one from your shelf. How long ago was your divorce?? May I p.m. You??   THANKS!!

Date Posted: 3/10/2008 1:08 AM ET
Member Since: 12/7/2007
Posts: 215
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Hi, go get legal advice! NOW! don't be intimidated by lack of funds; I got mine thru legal aid years ago & the attorney even paid the $1 filing fee for me cuz I didn't even have a $1; only 60 cents; Don't let fear control you or your actions; I had to get away from a very violent abusive person in private & very charming in public. My best friends thought I was the most horrible person on earth to leave; I told the attorney at legal aid NOT to serve papers until he knew I was out of there as he had threatened to kill me & the harm the child. He didn't; it was hard; but the best thing I ever did in my life. I tried to tell myself they were not true friends; but the pain of one of the best woman friends I had ever had in my life ignoring me totally was more difficult than being divorced; I finally realized a lot of it was simply due to the fact that her husband was close friends with my ex & she didn't want to cause waves as she was a lot older than her husband was & she was very insecure about that. But it didn't make the pain any less. I have gotten a great deal wiser over friends since then. Best of luck!

Date Posted: 3/10/2008 3:41 PM ET
Member Since: 12/2/2005
Posts: 70
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Thanks Katrina, Its nice to know that I;m not the only one going threw it. My Mom, evan went to hid side! I never told her of all our problems, untill recently, when I found out that she was having him over for dinners!!  Her answer to me was,'well, he never did anything to me'. and I said, 'Yeagh, but hes doing it to me,, and IM your duaghter.' I told her that I wouldnt go back to her house, untill I knew that he was no longer welcome there. Man, does that one hurt. One day at a time, right?   Maggie

Date Posted: 3/10/2008 4:22 PM ET
Member Since: 7/16/2006
Posts: 1,481
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Don't forget your local library too.  You can ask the librarian for recommended books.  I did that today for some children's books for my son about moving.  Good luck to you! 

I divorced my first husband.  He had me believing that my brothers loved him more than me, and I didn't talk to them for like 2 years afterward.  Once my mom finally got us all in the same room again, they were like "No way would we EVER like someone more than you!  We prayed for you!!" 

We had no kids and no property, so it was an easy divorce in comparison, but it was still difficult to go through.  Start working on your self esteem NOW.  Realize you are a good mother, and a POWERFUL woman, and you don't have to put up with anyone's crap.  Don't SETTLE for something bc you think you aren't worth more.

I'd advise counseling too, usually can be free or low cost, your lawyer should be able to point you in the right direction.  Even if it's just a few sessions, I always think counseling is great.  If you can't afford it or don't have the time, try reading one of Dr. Phil's or Dr. Laura's books (depending on your politics and personal beliefs).  These are usually at the library too.

Date Posted: 3/10/2008 5:45 PM ET
Member Since: 9/21/2006
Posts: 2,786
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in calif my ex had to pay for my attorney because I did not have a job at that time., even tho I started the proceedings. He also had to pay spousel (sp?) support and that kept me in the house for 3 years, while I figured out what I was going to do.  He either had to help me with the house payment or buy me out and he could not afford to do that.  He also paid child support, so It was fine for me.  I got a job, saved all the money and bought a condo when I was able, about 3 years later.  We did not get along at all and used his mom to faciliate transfer of my DD for visits.  Shes 16 now, so she doesn't have to see him as often now.

Things are much better.



Last Edited on: 3/10/08 5:52 PM ET - Total times edited: 1
Date Posted: 3/11/2008 12:06 AM ET
Member Since: 12/7/2007
Posts: 215
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well, we can't choose our relatives! I had to go in my 40's to counseling to finally deal with my mother; I was told she was toxic; I do call her now & then but used to all the time cuz no one else in the family would! One of my sisters even had to block her emails & phone calls she upset her so much! When I was a great deal younger I realized she was what she was & all the wishing in the world wouldn't make her what she was not to begin with. Kinda like wishing the grass was purple instead of green; but green it is & always will be therefore learn acknowledge & accept that grass is green & ever more will be. Once I settled that in my mind & emotions I was far more prepared to understand that she will never ever get it because she is incapable of doing so; I went to the counseling cuz I could not believe some of the incredibly harmful & hurtful things she & another sister of mine had inflicted on another one of my sisters; they conive together & do some incredibly negative things; also about & to me but it's easier to handle cuz i know that they are what they are & don't expect more from them; there was an old song you can't grow peaches on a cherry tree; understand your ex is what he is & won't change just like the grass will never be purple but always green. Don't keep going around in circles in your mind as to how you might have done things to make it turn out cuz that is chasin your tail. You made a wise decision to get seperate so don't get hung up now that it's time to do it permanently. I don't know your history with your mom but she may just be clueless or toxic & downright mean spirited; but she probably loves you in her own way & denying her & your child access to a grandparent may not be the best. Many times grandparents are very different with grandkids than there own kids; just try & not get caught up in a tangled weave of emotions, which is difficult at this time. Sometimes things that loom in front of our eyes like Mt Everest when looked at correctly are nothing more than a speck of sand held to close to your eye; when observed differently it is merely a speck of sand; try & learn not to react but to take your time & choose to respond. best of luck!

Date Posted: 3/11/2008 12:52 AM ET
Member Since: 7/16/2006
Posts: 1,481
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Katrina, I like your "speck of sand" analogy, it can be used for so much in our lives!

Date Posted: 3/11/2008 1:19 PM ET
Member Since: 2/10/2007
Posts: 51
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You need a lawyer.  Ultimately, it will cost you a lot more in the long run, not to get legal advice now.   Find a way.  You need a lawyer.

Date Posted: 3/11/2008 6:53 PM ET
Member Since: 12/2/2005
Posts: 70
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Thank you all for your great advice! Katrina, You hit the nail on the head, on SO many points!! WOW. I love your saying,'You cant grow peaches on a cherry tree', think that I'll have that one embroudered on my pillow case! Ha Ha.(sorry about the spelling).   I think my hearts just trying to catch up with my head.I KNOW that I dont want to be with him anymore,and that took along time,and many tears to figure out. I do panick alot,,wondering on wich end of this divorce my son and I will end up on.     I realy thank you all for your caring, and wisdom.   I have a lawyer now,to establish allimony. She wants 3 grand more to handle the divorce. Thats just 3 missed house payments away!!L.O.L