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Topic: Stupid self-pity

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Subject: Stupid self-pity
Date Posted: 7/3/2010 9:50 PM ET
Member Since: 12/9/2007
Posts: 9,601
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I've been a member for 2.5 years, and I've always tried to package all my books well and send the best condition books I can.  No big deal.  Until I got my first enthusiastic thank you for "perfect" wrapping and great condition book - which I didn't think was in all that good condition but it was postable.  So that got me feeling good about myself. 

Now for the stupid part.  I finish a book with 3 novels in one book (1000+ pages) in mmpb format.  I bought it new, and it was in perfect condition.  I took great care with it while I read it and the spine had not one crease in it.  It's very hard to do this with so many pages in newer mmpb's.  So I posted it and wrapped it my usual "perfect" (according to the previous requester) way.  I'm thinking I feel so good to be sending a like new book in great wrapping and the requester is going to be so pleased.  It arrived.  I get a PM.  "Thanks" is the response.  Now I feel stupid for being so prideful/ let down and also for being disappointed that the requester wasn't expressively pleased.  Just goes to show me that it just doesn't matter  all that much.  I need to feel good that I'mdoing well and to forget whether anyone else is glad that I am. 

Thanks for letting me get this out of my head and bearing with me for being so childish.

Ruth

Date Posted: 7/3/2010 10:04 PM ET
Member Since: 11/14/2005
Posts: 6,421
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Not a problem to let that feeling off your chest at all, Ruthy. We all have moments when we forget that what others think isn't as iimportant as we think it is. It's really hard to not know what to do with your feelings when you do that, too. I'm sure some silly person will make some lousy comment here to you that will not help your current "self-pity feeling" so I hope you remember that what other people write here is not any different than anywhere else, it isn't really important what others think, it's what you think, and how you feel about yourself that matters.

Everybody has those moments, and it's just so wonderful, that most of the people on PBS will not only allow you to express those feelings but help you get over them too. And don't worry about being childish, we all are at different times :)

Bless you, and I hope typing out your feelings helped you feel better.

Date Posted: 7/3/2010 10:17 PM ET
Member Since: 8/30/2008
Posts: 2,207
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What Sherry said about how you feel about yourself that matters. For the ones who send out crappy books and are offended when there's a RWAP there are members like you who take care with their books, care about sending out books in great condition, who perpetuate the fellowship here at PBS.

But sometimes a little public validation is nice, isn't it? Keep doing the right thing, it will come full circle.

Gail

Date Posted: 7/3/2010 10:17 PM ET
Member Since: 5/14/2009
Posts: 6,852
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Never feel stupid for feeling pride in something you do! What you put out into the world Ruthy (even a mint condition book that are beautifully wrapped) , will come back to you  two fold.

Vent away.

Date Posted: 7/3/2010 10:19 PM ET
Member Since: 12/9/2007
Posts: 9,601
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Thank you, Sherry.  I'm sure someone will make comments about my childishness.   No big deal to me since I've already beaten myself up over it.  Such a ridiculous thing in the grand scheme of things.  Just needed to say it where someone is most likely to understand.

Ruth

Date Posted: 7/3/2010 10:22 PM ET
Member Since: 12/9/2007
Posts: 9,601
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Thank you both, Gail and Robin.  I'm okay.  I've gotten my system down and I'm happy with it.  I'll keep doing the best I know how.

Ruth

Date Posted: 7/3/2010 10:23 PM ET
Member Since: 11/14/2005
Posts: 6,421
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Well, put away your stick, Ruthy, and give yourself a break :)

Hope you do feel better for having vented. As Gail & Robin said, what you put into this world will come back to you two-fold, even if you are just talking about a little book in the grand scheme of things.

Date Posted: 7/4/2010 7:03 AM ET
Member Since: 5/25/2010
Posts: 262
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Isn't it hard, when you do something nice and it's accepted so lightly? Not just about books, but about everything. (Raising kids is the best example!)

I have to say that I think it DOES matter what others think - just because other people do matter to us. It feels mighty good to be praised and encouraged, and it can be devastating to be spoken to negatively. There's nothing wrong with being happy or being sad at someone else's response. It means you're human; humans are built to react to other people's emotions.

But of course, we are better off when we don't have to depend on strangers' reactions to us, since strangers are mightily unpredictable. It's nicer to surround ourselves with people who make us feel good more often than not, or to teach those around us how they can help us feel good. The more we do that, the better able we are to accept the ups and downs that come from people who aren't so supportive.

I don't think this is "stupid self-pity" at all - not that it's an important issue per se, but it can help you understand yourself. For some reason, you truly rejoiced at getting that feedback - your heart rejoiced at it. Something about that feedback met a deep need in you, and so you naturally craved that feeling again. Rationally, we can say that it was unrealistic to expect that feedback consistently from a stranger, and I believe that's why you're calling this "stupid." But we are more than rational beings. :) A purely rational being doesn't love.

You can ask yourself now: what was the most important part of that feedback that you so enjoyed? The enthusiastic thanks? The fact that you were told you did something in a "perfect" way? The idea that you made a difference in someone else's life, even in a small way? (For my husband, the important issue would be the first; for me, it would be the third.) Or something else?

If that is something that you crave in your life, then try to seek it out in healthy ways. (Great mailing procedures are, in fact, a healthy way, but not likely to produce consistent results!) In my husband's case, we figured out that he needed thanks, as often as I could give it to him! I started telling him thanks for so many things that I thought he would think I was making fun of him. But he doesn't, even when I think I'm going over the top. It makes a big difference in his life.

In my case, I need to hear how I've affected others in positive ways. So he tries to tell me how I matter to him, how things are different because of something I did or something I am. I also do seek out ways to try to make differences in people's lives (and try to squelch my desire to ask them to tell me all about how wonderful it is that I've done it, too!).

And writing this down makes me realize that I've been forgetting to tell my husband thank you enough - I need to get back to that. :

Date Posted: 7/4/2010 10:22 AM ET
Member Since: 6/28/2009
Posts: 5,738
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Last Edited on: 5/27/11 5:49 PM ET - Total times edited: 1
Date Posted: 7/4/2010 3:33 PM ET
Member Since: 9/8/2009
Posts: 621
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Ruthy, thank you for reminding us to gratefully acknowledge the niceties in our lives.  I think those acknowledgements are important.  Personally, it always irks me when someone who has received a book I've sent doesn't even bother with the extra 10 keystrokes it would take to say "Thank You."  Such a small thing that means so much.

Date Posted: 7/4/2010 4:53 PM ET
Member Since: 5/3/2006
Posts: 6,436
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I know how you feel... I once sent off a book that I later found out was selling for about $100 used. The fact that I never even got a thank you still stings a little. ;-)

Date Posted: 7/4/2010 6:48 PM ET
Member Since: 8/15/2007
Posts: 3,044
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I once sent off a book that I later found out was selling for about $100 used. The fact that I never even got a thank you still stings a little. ;-)

Maybe they didn't know they might have had to pay $100 for it if they couldn't get it here. 

I don't think I've ever commented on wrapping before. I've never been particularly wowed either though. I do send thank you PMs and try to make it more than just "thanks."

Date Posted: 7/6/2010 12:48 AM ET
Member Since: 3/3/2009
Posts: 93
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I'm probably in the minority, but I prefer NOT to get a PM thank you.  I get so many emails every day that getting a "thanks' is just one more thing to read and delete in my in-box and in my PMs.  One more chore, and I already spend quite enough time trying to manage clutter in my life.  Plus, every time I get a PM I wonder if it's going to be about some problem (rare, but it's happened a couple times).   I assume that we're all happy to be sending and receiving books and thanks are implied and an inherent part of the transaction. 

Of course, I accept every thank you PM in the generous spirit in which it was intended and I wouldn't dream of doing otherwise.  But to me, the nice thing to do is to make every transaction as simple and streamlined as possible, with no superfluous emails.

Date Posted: 7/7/2010 3:31 PM ET
Member Since: 12/8/2007
Posts: 1,011
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I like getting a Thank You PM when I send a book out if the person takes time to add a little personal note. I try to do this and usually try to add a little nicety about the wrapping (esp if they have taken the time to use a plastic wrap around the book!). Sometimes I get lazy, though, and don't send a PM. Your note here reminds me that these things are important and I thank you for speaking up. 

Date Posted: 7/8/2010 7:28 AM ET
Member Since: 12/9/2007
Posts: 9,601
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Thank you everyone who has posted in reply.  I really don't usually expect a thank you.  It was just that it was a newly published book in like new condition and (hopefully) well-wrapped.  It is okay if I don't get a thank you.  I was just so excited to be able to do this that I allowed my balloon to be busted. 

Thank you  to everyone who responded.

Ruth

Date Posted: 7/9/2010 2:25 PM ET
Member Since: 3/5/2010
Posts: 75
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I think ... until you get a bad one, you don't notice the good.