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Topic: So... we're thinking of having a baby

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Subject: So... we're thinking of having a baby
Date Posted: 5/15/2008 3:14 PM ET
Member Since: 8/18/2006
Posts: 440
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Sooner, rather than later. Lots to think about.

Anybody want to share some been there, done that advice?

Date Posted: 5/15/2008 3:21 PM ET
Member Since: 7/5/2006
Posts: 4,669
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congrats!

Read Jessie's Blog  (Love+Love=Marriage on Blogspot)  she has lots of links to others that are TTC or have had little ones, as well as her own story and plans.

Good Luck!  Parenting is quite a roller-coaster ride!

Date Posted: 5/15/2008 3:26 PM ET
Member Since: 8/18/2006
Posts: 440
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Thanks!

And you are really right about the roller coaster... we have a teenager! lol

Date Posted: 5/15/2008 3:31 PM ET
Member Since: 5/13/2006
Posts: 2,157
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There is a group on yahoo - lesbians trying to conceive that has wonderful people and ton of great information.  We have adopted three and I'm trying right now.  I've had two pregancies and two miscariges.  We hope to do an IVF cycle starting in June. 

Good luck!

ETA - let me know if you need more information!



Last Edited on: 5/15/08 3:31 PM ET - Total times edited: 1
Date Posted: 5/15/2008 4:01 PM ET
Member Since: 8/18/2006
Posts: 440
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Thanks Theresa. I'll look into that.

We really hadn't planned on doing this for several more years. But we're actually considering doing it now. ack. :) I'm nervous and hopeful all at once. And trying to remember that we may change our minds again. Soooo much to think about.

Date Posted: 5/15/2008 6:13 PM ET
Member Since: 1/11/2006
Posts: 7,581
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Thanks for linking to my blog, Sam!

 

Courtney - we're starting in August and I LOVEEEEEEEEEE talking about this stuff so shoot me a PM  if you want to talk or stop by my blog! :)  I also chart like crazy on fertilityfriend (temps, cervical mucus, ovulation predictor kits, fertility monitors, etc.)

 

YAY!

Date Posted: 5/15/2008 7:56 PM ET
Member Since: 8/18/2006
Posts: 440
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Thanks Jessie - returning your pm now!

L. G. (L)
Date Posted: 5/16/2008 9:02 AM ET
Member Since: 9/5/2005
Posts: 12,412
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Just want to say good luck if you decide to TTC....and get your sleep now, LOL!!!

Date Posted: 5/16/2008 9:50 PM ET
Member Since: 8/18/2006
Posts: 440
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Thanks for the 'grats, L!

Well, tonight was date night, so we did some more chatting. Looks like we're going to seriously start making plans and moving in that direction. Operation Pre-Conception is underway! Target get knocked-up date: August '09. In some ways, even that seems sooo far away. But I know its going to go by incredibly fast. I'm really glad I have you guys, cause we're not planning to tell anyone else online or IRL till we're announcing a pregnancy.

T. -
Date Posted: 5/17/2008 12:03 AM ET
Member Since: 1/21/2007
Posts: 9,989
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I don't have any advice to offer, but I do wish you and your partner the best of luck!

Date Posted: 5/17/2008 2:43 PM ET
Member Since: 12/20/2005
Posts: 152
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Are you planning on a known donor or sperm bank?  We went with a known donor.  Its been tough at times for us (difference of opinions), but its been the best for the kids.  All in all its worked out.  That's my two cents.  Good luck!!!

Date Posted: 5/18/2008 9:02 AM ET
Member Since: 1/11/2006
Posts: 7,581
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Courtney - I've been planning for THREE YEARS!  August '09 will come faster than you expect it too!

Date Posted: 5/19/2008 8:59 AM ET
Member Since: 8/18/2006
Posts: 440
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Thanks Tammy!

Rose, we're thinking of going with a known sperm donor. In our original plan, we had planned to use a sperm bank. But now, I think, we're going to try to use a known donor. We have a couple of people in mind, but haven't asked anyone yet.

Jessie, I totally understand. We've been planning for almost 3... but in our ideal plan, we had several more years to go. ... About 7. So yeah, in that regard, 15-16 months seems like a walk in the park! (A little nerve-wracking too!)

L. G. (L)
Date Posted: 5/19/2008 4:32 PM ET
Member Since: 9/5/2005
Posts: 12,412
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Just a comment about known vs. unknown donors...my son is adopted and we only know about half of his birthfamily.  It feels like there is a real hole for the missing half.  I will be able to tell him a lot of things about his Birthmom (including photos and writings from her), but really very little about his Birthdad, and that makes me feel sad for him.  It may not matter to him in the long-run, but then, again, it may - ya know?  You just never know what they may need in their future.  Anyway - Just something to think about. :)

Date Posted: 5/19/2008 7:00 PM ET
Member Since: 8/18/2006
Posts: 440
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Thanks for adding your thoughts, L. I really appreciate your perspective. That is actually something that we have really thought about. We have friends with a little girl. They used a known donor. Originally, it was just supposed to be a nothing-but-the-sperm kinda thing ;) but over time (she is about 8 now), the relationship has really evolved in ways that none of them expected. And all see this as a very positive thing.He now takes her on trips two or three times a year and calls her occasionally. It has worked out quite well for them.

Definitely something to think about. Thanks again!

Date Posted: 5/19/2008 8:10 PM ET
Member Since: 1/11/2006
Posts: 7,581
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I think there are pros and cons to both. Legally, using an anonymous donor is safer.  But you don't have that ability to know a lot about the background.  It's a whole lot cheaper to use a known donor, but with an anonymous donor you know 100% that they are clean and that the sperm is mobile, etc.  So, yeah, like I said - each have their positives and negatives.  Just gotta do what's right for you.

Date Posted: 5/20/2008 10:51 PM ET
Member Since: 7/23/2007
Posts: 1,453
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Have you read Lesbian Parenting Living with Pride & Prejudice? It's a bit out dated; it was compiled in 1995 (I think) so most of the stories are from the late 80s and early 90s. Most of the women in it are also from Canada, so some of the laws they talk about are different. It's really neat to read about the different womens and couples struggles, decisions, and joys of choosing to become (or not) a lesbian parent. I'm about 3/4 the way through with it and its shocking to see how far we (humans; government) have come, as well as how far we haven't come in this issue.

Anyway, some of the stories talk about the pros and cons of known vs unknown donors. They also talk a bit about alternative families, ie multipul adults raising the child, like 2 moms and 2 dads raising 1 baby. There are stories about how some women feel that "mommy" shouldn't be a word because it alienates the other woman raising the child (not biological mother). Also taking the egg of one woman fertilizing it, and putting it in the womb of the other woman.

There are stories how women find it hard, stressful, and upsetting that when you go into a sperm bank you have to go through psychological examinations (I think this is done less now) to see if your "fit". They don't feel it's fair that teens in the back of a car can get knocked up with out anyone interfering but they have to go through so much. ~on a side note I do think potential parents of all relationships (or the lack there of) should have to go through a psychological exam, but that's a whole different thread!~ They feel that since they know they can't just have sex and get pregnant people should know that they have thought extensively about this choice and know that it's what they really want. Then there is a story of how if the couple hadn't been told to think about it some more they could have had a child they came to decide wasn't right for them.

Anyway, as I've said I'm not done with it but it's been a fairly interesting read so far. The only thing I've found is that some of the stories sound very angry, but as I said before this was in the 80s and 90s when these things were even less popular than they are now.

ETA: Congrats n Good Luck!



Last Edited on: 5/20/08 10:54 PM ET - Total times edited: 2
Date Posted: 5/21/2008 11:06 AM ET
Member Since: 8/18/2006
Posts: 440
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Thanks for giving me some more things to think about, Jessie.

 

That books sounds like a good read, Sarah. Thanks for the rec. - I'll have to check into it. And this - Also taking the egg of one woman fertilizing it, and putting it in the womb of the other woman. - is actually our ideal. I think it will have to wait for baby try #2 though. That is one of the biggest reasons our original plan was still so far out. Since we're bumping up the timeline now, we're going for cheap and easy this time around. ;)

L. G. (L)
Date Posted: 5/22/2008 4:47 PM ET
Member Since: 9/5/2005
Posts: 12,412
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There are stories about how some women feel that "mommy" shouldn't be a word because it alienates the other woman raising the child (not biological mother).

Wow - I never thought that would be an issue, but my friends who have a little girl go by "Mommy" and "Momma", so it's not ever crossed my mind!

Date Posted: 5/22/2008 7:50 PM ET
Member Since: 1/11/2006
Posts: 7,581
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Just got our donor contract in the mail (we're using a known donor).  We're going to all get together and sign it in June. 

We're going to use Mama & Mom/Mommy.  Since I'll be the one carrying, Greta gets first dibs of what she likes and she likes Mom/Mommy.

Date Posted: 5/22/2008 10:43 PM ET
Member Since: 7/23/2007
Posts: 1,453
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L that had never crossed my mind either, but I could see how it might make since. The story I was refering to the child was a bit older and I don't think completely understood her two mother's situations. It was like "which one is your mom?" She said her biological one was, but the mom felt that alienated her partner.

My friends go by Daddy D and Daddy M, I like this personally. (Their actual initials, I didn't do that for 'net purposes.)

Sorry to hijack Courtney

Congrats Jessi!!! I miss pregnancy sooooo soooo much. Even the ones that were horrible I liked. I wish I had healthier pregnacies, I'd be a surrogate in a heartbeat.



Last Edited on: 5/22/08 10:44 PM ET - Total times edited: 1
Date Posted: 6/9/2008 5:11 PM ET
Member Since: 5/21/2007
Posts: 2,992
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My friends both end up being Mom/Mama to their two little ones, but it's not often confusing. Congratulations on starting the process, Courtney, and on the contract, Jessie! :D Such good stuff.

Date Posted: 6/9/2008 8:34 PM ET
Member Since: 8/18/2006
Posts: 440
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No worries about the hijack, I really enjoyed the conversation. I'll be Mama, Kim will be Mommy/Mom. I claimed Mama long ago, and she's always been Mom to Amanda, so she was fine with that.

Thanks for the congrats. I am having SO MUCH FUN baby planning. :)