The Eclectic Pen - Thirtysomething Dating, or Phone Sex in the Suburbs


By: Kris R. (kristress)   + 4 more  
Date Submitted: 1/20/2009
Last Updated: 1/20/2009
Genre: Humor & Entertainment » Humor
Words: 793
Rating:


  Iíve been hitting OKCupid pretty hard lately. I kind of gradually, unnoticeably came to the decision that I would need to polish up my social skills and jump back in the game if I ever want to have sex again, and the online format is convenient, comparatively safe, and (letís face it) Iím cheap and OKCupid is free. This new line of thought follows a three-year mourning period for a marriage that imploded and a relationship that dissolved, but which taught me once and for all what it feels like to be loved and to love in return. Valuable lessons all around, but maybe not proportional to the time I spent in recovery. Whatever the case, I am committed to my current course of action, and while not exactly petrified, I am certainly not as enthusiastic as I wish I was.

Part of it is that I forgot how many fast-on-the-draw, slow-on-the-uptake clowns there are out there, especially when they think they might get a little taste of strange for free. Iíve chatted with a few people with whom Iíve had pleasant but vacuous conversations; a few with some common interests and in-depth, if unproductive conversations; more than one that want a quick hook up (and they want it with someone at least 15 years younger than they); and one with whom I have had breathless, satisfying phone sex.

Which beggars the question: If Iím having phone sex with a guy Iíve actually met, and I then go and have phone sex with a man Iíve only met online, does it constitute cheating on the one Iíve actually met (and, in all truth, with whom I first had phone sex anyway)? Is there a dating protocol or set of social standards for this sort of situation? Should I be buying someone flowers, or condoms? Should I try to talk these two into a three-way call? Is there even a graceful way to word that?

ďBaby, now that Iíve got your virtual pants down around your virtual knees, thereís someone panting on the other line Iíd like to patch through right now. How do you feel about a mťnage ŗ trois with someone youíll never meetÖ?Ē

Dating is a whole lot more confusing than I remember it being before I became a mom. I kind of miss the days when I could sleep with a guy and make up my mind that way. Now I have to be all picky and demonstrate my standards for my young, impressionable daughter.

What it all comes down to, is that itís fairly pathetic that I am reduced to phone sex as my only form of sexual intimacy. I believe that normal people still meet each other by chance, or in a public forum, or through a friend; and they talk in person, and then go out somewhere together; and maybe sooner than later end up in bed together doing something that is always *much* more fun when itís shared by two. Or possibly moreÖ

*sigh* I really shouldnít think that way right now. Too frustrating without an outlet. There really is a time limit on how long you can engage in a verbal exchange of fantasies without feeling like at some point that you will never, ever get to actually act on them, and what the hell is the point, anyway? And when the sense of fatalism doesnít stick, I still have to contend with the nigh-indefatigable urge to hunt, and stalk, and pounce, and then do things that Iím told are socially unacceptable to do with a relative stranger. Things with which I donít want to lose practice. Things that live in my memory, which will likely fade long before I do.

One thing hasnít changed. Short of throwing down, stripping down, and getting down, I have no clue how to get any of this to go to the next level. I never did. Iím sure it has something to do with flirting, and perhaps a subtle exchange of emotional intimacy, but Iím really very fuzzy on the particulars. Is there some sort of pre-copulation agreement to sign now? Do I have to take a blood test, a blood oath, or sign in blood first? Is there a poll somewhere, or an application process Iíve missed?

As for the ďdangerĒ of talking online with strangers, I really think serial killers and sociopaths are the least of my worries. Dating is a dangerous proposition anyway, emotionally speaking. If I canít take care of myself now, at 36, with the responsibility for a daughter to keep me grounded, then perhaps an experiment in social Darwinism would not be amiss. The way I feel right now, full speed ahead and damn the torpedoes might be the change in perspective I need to get over that lastÖerÖhump.


The Eclectic Pen » All Stories by Kris R. (kristress)

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Comments 1 to 4 of 4
Charles A. (txturkey) - 1/20/2009 6:14 AM ET
I hesatate to comment for fear of loss of potential chat friends. The old "I knew he was a pervert" syndrome. Beautifully written with just the right amount of humor and that little amount of WOW The only thing i missed was the regional reference--ie-- "hunny, you wanna ride in my pickup good ole boy and or the excuse me , would you like to sail down to the hamptons this weekend.
Marta J. (booksnob) - 1/20/2009 9:12 AM ET
This is wonderful!! I'm sure that you've given a voice to many women in your same circumstance--and it's funny (and sardonic) as hell! I think you could've been a script writer for "Sex and the City"; this is very "Carry-esque". Good luck--and I wish you some eventual good actual sex!
Claudia R. (BrokenWing) - 1/26/2009 1:07 PM ET
Enjoyed this. Phone sex is the only 100% safe sex, after all. No chance of catching anything.
Claudia R. (BrokenWing) - 1/26/2009 1:09 PM ET
To answer your question about cheating--I don't think it can be called cheating unless there is a commitment of some kind you are breaking. You are just a phone sex slut ;-)
Comments 1 to 4 of 4