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Topic: Update on marriage problems

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Subject: Update on marriage problems
Date Posted: 4/22/2008 4:44 PM ET
Member Since: 8/23/2007
Posts: 26,510
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I've posted on here before about my marriage issues.  I'm not going to rehash the whole ongoing saga but several people have PM'd me offering support so I thought I'd give an update.  Basically he's unhappy with my weight and I'm unhappy w/the way he talks to me and/or refuses to talk to me.

So he's been on the ship for 4wks now and he comes home tonight.  I'm a little aprehensive.  We've both said some horrible things to each other over email. We have agreed that we still love each other and want to give this marriage another go.  So it looks like Sarah and I will be going to MD with him this summer.  I'm going to take some classes and I'm going to start setting some money aside just incase.  I think I'm going to build up my daughter's savings account so there's money there if I need it and it doesn't work out. 

His last few emails were graphic in what he wants to do to me when he gets home.  Now normally I would be excited about his return and looking forward to these things. But now I'm still hurting over some of the things he's said.  If I push for an apology it'll just start another fight.  I started my period yesterday so I have a couple days reprieve. 

I wish I could be like a man and seperate sex from the emotional aspect of our relationship.  Now I'm all for make up sex or angry sex on occasion. But this is not some minor argument we've had.  This was major and I don't think I can just easily forget.

Date Posted: 4/22/2008 5:05 PM ET
Member Since: 2/24/2006
Posts: 5,498
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I understand what you're saying Mary.  I hope things can be worked out between you if that's what you want.


Date Posted: 4/22/2008 5:09 PM ET
Member Since: 10/24/2007
Posts: 1,313
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Mary - I hope things work out for you.  I'm not really qualified to hand out marriage advice, but I would not push for an apology.  In some cases actions speak louder than words.  My husband is famous for trying to get me to apologize for things and when I do it's never sincere.  It has to come from the heart.

Best of luck.  I know you've had a rough time of it!

Date Posted: 4/22/2008 5:58 PM ET
Member Since: 7/31/2006
Posts: 14,634
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good luck Mary..hope things work out for you. you keep hanging out here after you move too!

Date Posted: 4/22/2008 6:23 PM ET
Member Since: 7/25/2005
Posts: 25,408
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I have learnt to separate sex from other things.  Sex is a vital part of any marriage.  We've fought, not completely made up and one of us wants sex.  Sometimes all the passion of an argument can jumpstart the passion for sex. It needs an outlet.

This is what I do (if he approaches me for sex):  I am willing to have sex with you but I want you to know that it doesn't mean whatever we were fighting about is over or finished.  What I am doing is setting it aside for now.  I won't hold it in my heart or hold it against you right now.  But, later, I will bring it up again. 

And I do.  I pour myself whole-heartedly into having sex but, later, when I'm ready, I will approach him and say Now I'm ready to finish discussing X. 

It works out well for both of us.  You might try it and see if it works for you.  If it doesn't, you're not really out anything.

All the best,


Date Posted: 4/22/2008 7:06 PM ET
Member Since: 8/25/2007
Posts: 13,134
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Mary, I'm sorry to hear that things are still a bit rocky but it seems at least you are making an effort, and I commend you for it.  I like what Ani said about having sex---I think maybe sometimes a physical connection can be a good thing, and maybe it can help promote a better emotional connection, but definitely let him know that everything is not alright just because you agree to it.  If nothing else, tell him to make YOU feel good and just enjoy the hell out of it.   I also agree that you shoudn't push for an apology, but you might want to remind him again how much he has hurt/is hurting you by what he's said.   Good idea to start saving for Just In Case.  If you end up not needing it, you can use it later for a fun trip for yourself--like that oft-mentioned PBS Girls Gone Wild gathering in Las Vegas that Carole is gonna host! 

Date Posted: 4/22/2008 7:14 PM ET
Member Since: 8/23/2007
Posts: 26,510
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I like that advice Ani.  I'm going to try and do that.  We have agreed that we still have a lot of things to talk about and work out.  He wants to start dating me again. So I'm taking that as a positive sign that he wants to work things out.  The fact that he wants me to move to MD with him and not to our house in VA is a good sign. 

Date Posted: 4/22/2008 7:46 PM ET
Member Since: 12/6/2006
Posts: 623
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Mary, thanks for updating us.  I've wondered often how you are, but didn't want to push.  I wish you well, and my hope that whatever the outcome is, it's right for you.


Ani - I think your advice is fantastic.

Date Posted: 4/23/2008 8:15 AM ET
Member Since: 8/2/2005
Posts: 151
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but  your husband will never be satisfied with anything you do  in the long run...please don't grovel and give in to him and make  him feel like he's right and you'll do anythi ng to keep him....he's got problems an d he needs to admit to himself what it is and  work on it...as long as you TRY TO CONSTANTLY SMOOTH THING OUT HE'LL KEEP ACTING UP..Why should you be the ONLY one cleaning up this mess???

thankfully i don't have to deal with anything like this , but  there were times early on when my husband

'acted up' i put my foot down and demanded he  straighten up his act ' or get the hell out of my sight.

the moment you make a man think he's the  absolute center of your world he'll use that like nobody's business...

never show your fear to a man...that's his licence to cheat, abuse, act up.....



Last Edited on: 4/23/08 9:00 AM ET - Total times edited: 1
Date Posted: 4/23/2008 9:55 AM ET
Member Since: 8/9/2007
Posts: 4,058
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Pulling for you, Mary, and hoping everything works out:)

Date Posted: 4/23/2008 10:18 AM ET
Member Since: 3/20/2007
Posts: 305
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I may be wrong but it sounds like your husband is in the military or travels a great deal for his job.  I wanted to pass along some advice my dad gave me when I got married that really helps.  He and my mom have been married for 34 years, 30 of those years he was in the Army and always gone.  He told me to never fight over the phone or through email.  So much is lost when you are trying to discuss something when you can't see the person (their body language, facial expression, etc).  Not sure if you are a Christian, but the book "The Power of a Praying Wife" has also helped me greatly.  Basically it says shut up and pray because only God can change them.  Good luck with everything and remember life is short, be happy!


Date Posted: 4/23/2008 10:22 AM ET
Member Since: 12/8/2006
Posts: 29,785
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Mary, I'm behind you whatever you choose to do, even if you just want to vent:) I hope it all works out in the end.

Date Posted: 4/23/2008 11:37 AM ET
Member Since: 1/11/2007
Posts: 1,646
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Well, sounds like he's missing you at least.  That's a good sign.  Capitalize on it.  Where their bodies go, their hearts and minds will follow.  Maybe he'll be more receptive to a heart-to-heart after sex.  You could start off by saying that the emails got a little out of hand and you regret some of the things you wrote. 

Date Posted: 4/23/2008 11:44 PM ET
Member Since: 8/23/2007
Posts: 26,510
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He is in the military and has been gone a lot in the last few years. He's only been home a total of maybe 9m out of the last 3 years. It's very stressful.  Just recently he was gone for most of Nov/Dec, home for 2wks for Holidays, then gone all of Jan and most of Feb, home for about 2wks then gone for 4wks.  We were so happy when he was on shore duty.  I think if we can just get through this rough spot we'll be good.  He goes on shore duty this summer and then retires in 3yrs.  There is a chance that he will have to go to Iraq for a year but we're hoping he won't get chosen for that.  He's been very sweet since he came home.  I have made it very clear to him that I'm not the only one that needs to make changes.  That if it's just me, it's not going to work.  He wants us to start dating each other again.  I told him us dating can't just be me watching him do what he likes to do-sports bar, casino etc...,  That we have to do somethings that I like to do too.

Last Edited on: 4/23/08 11:50 PM ET - Total times edited: 2