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Topic: What do I do?

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Date Posted: 10/5/2007 5:03 PM ET
Member Since: 6/1/2006
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Last Edited on: 2/11/11 10:12 PM ET - Total times edited: 1
Date Posted: 10/5/2007 7:51 PM ET
Member Since: 11/10/2006
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He's got us and that's a start

 

You know what? That's all you can do. Support him, be there for him, listen to him and refuse to back down to anyone who doesn't take that stance. If his parents have a problem with his staying by you, it is THEIR problem. If they cannot accept who their son is, that is THEIR problem. If other family members have opinions, they are THEIR opinions.

Frankly, I would refuse to even discuss it with them. I would tell them that you love your nephew for the person he is in total and will not take that love away from him because of one aspect of what makes up that total.

You will not get anywere by arguing with anyone else. All you will do is cause yourself grief. Hopefully, one or two things will happen: others in the family see how accepting you are and change their tune or they will lose this person in their lives because of their refusal to accept who he is.

Hug him, hold him and tell him you love him. Be there for HIM in any way he feels he needs you. Eventually, it will be his decision how he wants to include or exclude those who want to exclude him.

Date Posted: 10/5/2007 8:09 PM ET
Member Since: 12/19/2005
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Well, I'm so stubborn that knowing that others wouldn't like it would be enough in and of itself to push me in a particular direction.

I tried to come up with some really great advice, but I can't think of anyting to improve on what Charlie said.  Let your nephew know that you support him and are proud of him.  If someone else (including his parents) push you, I would just say that he's your nephew and he's welcome to stay with you as long as he likes and leave it at that.

I think it's great that you're being supportive of your nephew, and I wish that every gay individual had relatives like you!

Date Posted: 10/5/2007 8:43 PM ET
Member Since: 5/29/2007
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I agree with Charlie, it is not your situation to discuss.  Silence and solidarity can go a long way.  Now if your nephew asks for your help, to help him talk to someone, or sit with him while he tells someone, fine, but otherwise it is not your place to talk about someone's private life.  You don't owe anyone any explanation.  You and your husband are adults with your own home and whom you decide to let stay with you doesn't need to be justified to anyone.  Not allowing any strife and gossip in your home will provide your nephew with a great deal.  I'm certain, a safe and calm environment will speak volumes to him and everyone else.

 

I wanted to edit this to say that, in my second sentence, I didn't mean don't talk about this issue, I meant don't respond to the folks in the family who try to talk you out of supporting your nephew, or gossip about your nephew, and so forth.  I meant that, at times, silence is the better answer, when dealing with people who refuse to actually listen.



Last Edited on: 10/6/07 9:42 PM ET - Total times edited: 1
Date Posted: 10/5/2007 9:44 PM ET
Member Since: 12/6/2006
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Denise:

I was happy to read how you have allowed your nephew to confide in you, while he worked through his own "coming out" process--including learning more about himself, and expressing himself with his friends, and now other family members.

I didn't want to repeat what's already been stated, yet it is improtant to keep in mind:

Support of an individual to be themselves is of upmost importance, including his physical safety.

If other family members reject this gay individual, they are separating away from the family, and not the other way around.

You are correct in helping your nephew.

There are resources available (such as P-Flag) for his parents to be able to talk with other parents of gay children.

Your nephew did not choose to be Gay, but was born as a gay individual.

Your nephew has probably realized his gay identity for a while now, and it was a chance to have come out to his family in hopes of acceptance of who he is as an individual.

Thanks again for sharing, and feel free to continue to use your post for feedback, questions, etc.

 

Date Posted: 10/7/2007 6:06 PM ET
Member Since: 2/16/2007
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The only thing I would add is that when and if people ask you why you didn't say anything to his parents or to anyone else..just  tell them it wasn't your story to tell.  It was for your nephew to decide when and if he wanted to say anything - not to mention who he said it to.

If someone says that they can't believe he told you before XYZ...say that you are just happy he felt comfortable enough to confide in you.  It was probably because he knew you would respect his privacy and let him come out on his own and also because he felt comfortable in telling you, knowing you wouldn't judge him.  How wonderful for him to have such a supportive and loving aunt! 

Date Posted: 10/7/2007 7:27 PM ET
Member Since: 12/1/2005
Posts: 1,023
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Denise - You & your husband are to be commended & thank goodness your nephew has you.  What I realized when I began to tell family members is that they too are on their own journey's and it might help your nephew to understand his parents et. al. better if he looks at it that way.  It's helped me in dealing with my own family who are not as accepting as I would like them to be.  Keep us posted - and give him a big hug for me.   What he is doing is very brave.

L. G. (L)
Date Posted: 10/8/2007 12:20 AM ET
Member Since: 9/5/2005
Posts: 12,412
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Denise, I was in the same situation you are in, but with my Brother.  I was the only one who knew for a number of years.  What I did, once he came out to everyone else, was I supported him, and I stood up to those who made negative comments.  I explained that him being gay doesn't change who he is.  That it's just a part of who he is and that if they loved him before, there is no reason to stop loving him now.  If someone made a jerky comment, I made it clear I wouldn't tolerate it in my presence.  I pissed off my one sib, but you know what - I didn't care.  Supporting my brother was much more important to me that pandering to a bigot.  Sometimes you just have to stand up for what is right.

Good luck - I know it's tough!

Date Posted: 10/8/2007 12:55 PM ET
Member Since: 7/15/2007
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Go you for providing a safe space for your nephew and allowing him to work it out!  I agree with advice given above!  Try and keep his spirits up and remind him that it is okay to be who he, regardless of how his parents react.  Hopefully, in time, they will come around.

Date Posted: 10/9/2007 5:39 PM ET
Member Since: 6/1/2006
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Last Edited on: 2/11/11 10:14 PM ET - Total times edited: 2
L. G. (L)
Date Posted: 10/9/2007 7:42 PM ET
Member Since: 9/5/2005
Posts: 12,412
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It'll be such a transformation for him - and such a period of growth.  Good for you for being his friend and not just his Aunt. :)

Date Posted: 10/9/2007 8:54 PM ET
Member Since: 11/10/2006
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Good for grandma & grandpa. Hopefully, they will be an example to others in the family.  You are doing something so positive for your nephew and I applaud you...and your husband. 

You know, sometimes I am amazed more by the older generation than the younger. When I first brought my partner to family functions no one really said much. I am sure there was some whispering going on. One of my greatest memories was my grandmother saying to me that she was very happy I finally had someone so special in my life and how much she like Sandy. She was 102 at the time. Maybe she had just seen so much of life she knew what really matters...having that special person to be there for and with you.

Date Posted: 10/9/2007 10:21 PM ET
Member Since: 12/1/2005
Posts: 1,023
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Oh my goodness, you guys are going to make me cry!  Charlie - that story about your 102 yo grandmother is wonderful.  And Denise, please give the grandparents a big hug for me.  Bless them for being supportive, that has to mean so much to your nephew.

Date Posted: 10/10/2007 6:51 PM ET
Member Since: 12/6/2006
Posts: 14,953
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Thanks Denise for the wonderful update.

           Also, thanks Charlie, L, and everyone else for sharing the memories and experiences...

Date Posted: 10/14/2007 2:20 PM ET
Member Since: 5/29/2007
Posts: 13,347
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Charlie you are so right.  My g'ma was 95 when she passed away, and she would have told you the exact same thing!  I think that older generation has had enough life experience to know and understand what's really important in life.

L. G. (L)
Date Posted: 10/14/2007 3:04 PM ET
Member Since: 9/5/2005
Posts: 12,412
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Charlie, my Mom was 76 (?) when my brother came out.  She was so cool about it.  I'm sure it was a surprise because my bro had been married to a woman before.

I think life is all about learning about love.  With age, you discover what's really important, and the answer is friends and family: love.  Some learn it sooner rather than later.

 

Date Posted: 10/15/2007 2:22 PM ET
Member Since: 1/27/2007
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Denise you and your husband are wonderful people!  I'm glad you can help your nephew as much as possible.  I feel bad for the unaccepting members of the family.

Date Posted: 10/23/2007 7:53 PM ET
Member Since: 6/1/2006
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Last Edited on: 2/11/11 10:14 PM ET - Total times edited: 1
L. G. (L)
Date Posted: 10/25/2007 4:26 AM ET
Member Since: 9/5/2005
Posts: 12,412
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Great to hear his Dad is coming around and that the majority of the family is being cool, Denise!  You know, if the one family continues to be buttly, then you and your family may just have to make the choice not to be around them.   Hope you guys have a fantastic Thanksgiving together. ;)

Date Posted: 11/3/2007 6:48 PM ET
Member Since: 4/10/2006
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Last Edited on: 2/2/15 11:35 PM ET - Total times edited: 2
Date Posted: 11/3/2007 9:44 PM ET
Member Since: 1/4/2006
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Well said, Shannon.

Colleen

Date Posted: 11/7/2007 3:18 PM ET
Member Since: 9/24/2007
Posts: 156
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Wow, I just sat here and read about every word in every post and am really stumped.  This nephew has made choices to live a homosexual lifestyle and everyone here is saying yipee, good for him.  And the Aunt has thanked God 2x and I don't believe she even knows God.  Because God said homosexuality-men with men-women with women is an abomination, which means very evil.  You don't cheer when someone is living their lives separated from their creator.  The Lord makes it very clear in Psalms 139 that he created us.  He knows each one of us before we're even formed in our mothers womb.  And no he didn't create us to be homosexuals.  He created man and woman to become one.  To reproduce on the earth and to live a life that loves God.  Sodom and Gomora were 2 cities that were destroyed because of such abominations.  This nephew needs to seek the Lord while he can be found.  We're not guaranteed tomorrow.  And repentance of the heart means to understand that your sin has separated you from God and that you turn from your sin and ask the Lord for forgiveness.  Then serve Jesus with your whole heart and soul.  Read the Bible, read it to the nephew to your family and seek God while you still can, turn before it's to late for you all.

 

ttyl!

L. G. (L)
Date Posted: 11/8/2007 1:27 AM ET
Member Since: 9/5/2005
Posts: 12,412
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Have you no decency AT ALL?

The GLBT forum was designed as  a safe haven for the GLBT community and their supporters to discuss GLBT books and issues here at PBS.  You are more than welcome to your opinion, but when you come in here CASTING STONES at this community, calling them an "abomination," among other things, you cross a line. >:(

<shaking head>

 

 

 

 

 



Last Edited on: 11/8/07 4:05 AM ET - Total times edited: 1
Date Posted: 11/8/2007 3:41 AM ET
Member Since: 11/5/2007
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I also sat here and read about every word in every post....and I'm so glad to have joined paperbackswap.com a few days ago.

Denise, you are fantastic. It means so much to have support within the family and community in times of transition towards ones true self. *Whole*someness is not to be dismissed and makes our communities stronger. Thank you for posting and for all your loving ways and for caring for your relative. (edited to correct a darn typo!)

Last Edited on: 11/12/07 1:27 AM ET - Total times edited: 1

Date Posted: 11/8/2007 6:26 AM ET
Member Since: 11/10/2006
Posts: 2,947
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Deborah, while you are welcome to YOUR beliefs, coming here to preach at people who obviously do not share them and to cast YOUR stones at us is rude and uncalled for in this forum. There is a religion & sprirituality forum where your views may be more accepted and as a gay man I respectfully ask that you post those views elsewhere. This is NOT a forum I visit to be preached at by someone who has polar opposite opinions of mine. The GLBTQ forum is not a pulpit for sermonizing.

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