Barbara E. (barbarae) - 1/9/2010 1:17 PM ET

Hi - nice story. I have some thoughts that struck me while reading. It’s hard to comment on only part of a book as you don’t have background info, but here goes. I’ve been reading books on writing and while I’m not an editor…..a couple things stick in my mind 1) believability 2) a protagonist with guts, a character we all wish we were because mirroring ourselves is boring 3) Nothing jarring to take my attention away from the flow of the story. I hope I won’t overwhelm you. I found I had more to say than I first thought. But I hope you appreciate that I really thought about what you wrote. If like me you put your stuff out here for comments, you should be able to take or leave what I think just like I would try to so if someone else commented on my stuff. OK Here’ goes: As I was reading I was visualizing this scene taking place in a doctor’s office first and was surprised to find them in an emergency room. See #3. If you need to have the TV to report the murder, it IS more likely to find one in an emergency room than a doc’s office. I suggest slipping in an urgency suggesting an ER visit earlier in the chapter before the “3 hour wait”. The size of her bedroom. Even in my house or former apt, the bedrooms were no smaller than 9x10. With being able to touch either wall, it sounds more like a converted walk in closet unless this character is part orangutan.. See #1. FWIW a bedroom, by building code, can be defined as a room with a closet. That could be used to emphasize the apartment’s dinky nature. Meaning they had to convert a storage closet in a one bedroom apt to give the grandson a room and privacy. “I had a library card…” saying “I have a library card” makes more sense. If this person HAD one, past tense, what happened to it? Does this mean he/she can’t read for pleasure any more? See #3. Can the cops hold the ailing, frail demented grandma ‘gently’ by the arms instead of ‘gripping’ her? Sounds too rough in this case. Unless nasty cops are integral to the story line farther on in the story. See #1. It might even sound more believable if your protagonist was called down to the station due to the fact that she committed B&E. If you still want g-ma brought to the house/apt by the cops have grandma ATTEMPT to enter someone’s house as opposed to actually commit a crime. Maybe even have your protagonist up and dressed having already called in that she’s missing. That way if the cops find her they will be more likely to bring her home. I had no idea of the sex of the protagonist until Nan called him Tony. Consider telling us that earlier in some way, unless we should know that from chapter 1. You did set Tony up as having moral values, meaning staying away from the druggie crowd. See #2. Great. I like that. With that I wanted to see Tony have a little more chutzpah as compared to being willing to take welfare and earn only smattering of money from fiction writing. He’s making sacrifices to take care of his Nan, it doesn’t mean he has to let it run his life. He can have distain for welfare. Have him reading the NY Times BS list with just books from the library. Have him trying to get an angle on what’s current in fiction so he can write a novel the publishers will want. Sounds like he needs to be into crime novels if you ask me, from the tone of your story. Unless you need your protagonist to be laid back as he is. But there’s only one “Columbo”. Have him put g-ma in a free senior daycare so he can go audit writing courses at the local college during the day. He might not have much money, but he can still better himself. If he’s the one that going to solve the murders and catch the Grinning Man, he needs to be smarter and better than the rest of us. I glanced I blew I looked I sat I hadn't I looked I didn't I turned I ended I skirted I walked I glanced I didn't. Glancing over…Blowing…. Looking over… Sitting there…. Skirting the…. Glancing over…. Ending up…. You get the idea. The scene playing out on TV. Ms Holland’s might be considered a suspect regardless of the Killer probably being the Grinning Man because she had access to the apt where the killing took place. I wouldn’t expect that info about where she spent the night and who she spent it with to be reported on TV. Especially if the cops are keeping a “tight lid” on the investigation. You might have the reporter show her on TV saying that instead. The cops can be limited in what they can share, but they can’t make her keep her mouth shut. Is that official looking man eventually a major player in the story, or the reporter? If not, their actions are not what I might expect from a typical reporter or someone associated with the police. Well, unless the reporter is supposed to be a Geraldo Rivera type….. If the intent of that part of the chapter was only to convey that the killer struck again, and the people on TV are not eventually tied into the killing or integral to the story based on their personality, then make them more typical than atypical. B

Katheryn B. (OneYeshua888) - 1/10/2010 12:32 AM ET

Hey, Barbara, thank you very much for your extremely helpful tips! But actually, this is the second chapter in a book I am writing, so some of the stuff you were confused about happens in the first chapter. But thanks fr the helpful information, I will make an effort to revise some of these mistakes. I *do* post these on here to see what people have to say about it, and your comment was exactly what I was looking for! So thank you, and I hope to see your comments on future chapters. :] --Kathy.