there was something inisde of everything else that we thought, there was thinking and a wanting that i could not hear outside of my thinking.
i was not alive.
there is something that we can learn in all of this, in all that we think that we are. i hate to be the one to say that we cannot go back to the land flowing of blood and famine. all i see these days is cold and metal all around. machines that tell smaller machines what to do, until the machines become broken down into componds and complex theories put to action.
atoms then particles, then nothings then to the very small whatevers that make up everything. that small unseen thing only g-d can see that is inside of everything. that is inside of every part of the world. we wait just like anyone else in this world to tell the people that we are not around to be around us. simply to let us know that there is something to work on, that there is always this glimpse of hope at the end of the optic fibers.
i cannot wait to wake up and fully smell everything that i could not before. i wholey see everything that i have not been able to see for so many years now. my head hurts, and there is a want of sleep but it keeps me more and more awake then the pills that they tell me to take.
this is the beginning of the end. this is a broadhead arrow and this is my heart, there is a bow now set the tar barrels to embers. let the flames glow like amber.
this is a battle. this is a pain. this is a tooth flower, and this is your face grunting as you hear the bullets smashing through all of the precious bones and squeezing through flesh and tearing past insides like earth worm to dirt.
there is something in my head that wants no day anymore. that wants every other day to be the last. to not ever wake again. to never wake up again and still live would be an adventure worth taking, and to kiss no one else the rest of my life will be next to a miracle.
there is alot yet i have to learn about this. about "things" and all of this living that i pretend to do.
you know when people come up to me i ask them a question. may seem out of the normal, or rude, but that is my first test. that is my first, very test for others. or the way that i will act around someone for the first time to test them, just to rape their heads down the road a bit later, and tell them,
"i'm not the one that changed, you're the one that changed! i told you i was like this, you know i told you." and i try, in that way, to remember everything that i say. just so that when i am in a pickle i can remember to manipulate them and make them think that, prehaps, just maybe they are the ones worth changing. that maybe, if you can play with a weak mind you can tweak it enough to change.
i am still on my hunt for the real way to live, and i know that deception is not the real way to go about things, but it is what i am mlunctioned with right now.
and the loves of my life to this moment remind me that i once loved them. i answer them in sorrow. i have to regrete to them that i was someone else, that it was the drugs talking for three months, that it was the alcohol bursting through to the control chambers in my head.
cause when i drink it's like a stalking creature ready to distroy everything rational within my head.
cause when i drug everything clear starts to blur.
cause when i start to think about all the women and all their heads i have screwed with in the past i think of how many days i have right now that are peaceful to me, that do not even totally completely belong to me. at all. i think of all the ways that i can change and all the better little things that i could be doing in life right now.
it hurts inside when you have no respect for yourself and nothing in the whole entire world to change for. it does anchor to the depths and that's to say when you are ready to raise anchor and embark the dock. when you are done and ready to give up on "who you used to be" you start to pull at the chains hanging out of your mouth connected to the anchor you will learn. you will learn that chain was left hanging for the purpose that you always knew you were going to change. the very exact reason that you try to pull the anchored feelings, and ways of "old life" out of you.
it churns you inside to know that there is next to nothing to motivate you. you can have no respect for who you have become so you avoid casual conversation with successful peers just to avoid being asked what you are doing now in life. just to avoid that you are too lazy to never get off the couch when the reel is playing and tell yourself, "this movie will last forever, and this movie may change a little 'bout how i see the world, but i cannot change my world until i get off of this couch and get to bed at a decient hour to get up on time to get a better paying job to pay for that best education."
and those thoughts, you laugh at until you assure yourself that those thoughts, are normal to have and that everyone has them, and that you don't want to be like everyone else.
so you continue sitting there like you never heard yourself in your head. thats the tricky part, that is the part in the life where you know you have got to put a new reel in, and hope it's to another movie.
the next day you'll go to the gym to get a membership but there is never enough money so you get up to go running but the days you excercise are sparce, as to say, if we all got paid one thousand dollars for everytime you actually excercised we would be broke people. and we promise to get everything done, but it is always cold or to late to, or not time to or to early to. and we make our rounds to the ghosts in the groud, and talk the on going sense of our next day to everyone who will listen and as they look at us they'll think, "this person is brilliant, if only he cared about changing him self. if only he gave a flying f@#$."
talk up the on sets of everything we could be, and plan to never be, and say what we dream.

The Eclectic Pen - .end-ever

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