You need an editor. The premise of the story is pretty good but the grammar and typo's are irritating to the reader. The story needs to flow more. Improved sentence structure and grammar corrections will make it much better.
Also, you need to know that if you run out of water(your engine is done for). So in your story, the women need to almost run out of water. Then when you put water into the radiator you need to make sure that the engine is running or it will crack the block (ruin the engine).
I do editing on the side so if you are interested shoot me an email at lucillebme@gmail.com
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The Eclectic Pen - Double Trouble
By: Leslie N.
Date Submitted: 8/26/2008
Last Updated: 8/26/2008
Genre: Mystery, Thriller & Suspense » Mystery
Words: 3,375
Rating:
| Havent finished this yet. Just started typing. Any constructive critizism would be great and if you like it or dislike please tell me. DOUBLE TROUBLE Chapter 1 The alarm clock was buzzing in her ear when she reached over to shut it off, it seemed as if she had just shut her eyes a few minutes ago. Joelee Hallman stumbled from her bed to get up and make her husband breakfast. She hated to have to get up at 5am, but for years her husband Bob Hallman had taken care of her. She had never had to work except at home and that was a full time job. For the last 40 years Joelee had gotten up and fixed her husband breakfast and packed him a lunch. She is one of the few women that would actually do that in this day and time. Joelee made her way to the kitchen mumbling something as she poured the water in the coffee pot. She hollered and her husband from the kitchen, “Get up, Bob”. Bob came into the kitchen and Joelee slammed his plate down on the table and got his coffee. After 40 years he was used to it. He knew his wife was a sweet and wonderful person but a 5am, she was like an ole sore tail cat and he didn’t say much to her. Bob finally made his way out the door with a quick peck on the lips from his wife and as he shut the door, she was mumbling, “Thank the Lord he is gone to work”. She made her way back to bed and was soon again fast asleep. At least until her phone rang two hours later. “Hello sister”, Suzanne screamed in Joelee’s ear. “Hello”. Joelee said. “Did I wake you?” “Yes, but it okay, I needed to get up.” But she really wanted to strangle her sister for waking her up. Suzanne was 20 years younger than her but the two didn’t act like there was that much of an age difference between them. They had a lot in common but also a lot of opposites. Joelee was born to Sam and Evette Clough while Suzanne didn’t come along till 20 years later after Joelee’s mother had divorced Sam and married Travis Wininger. The two sisters had married brothers, Bob and Tom Hallman. Joelee was more ole fashioned than Suzanne. Joelee had been at home for her family raising children and taking care of a household all these years, while Suzanne had started work early in life and had raised two children. She lived a little on the wild side and was always up for some type of adventure, dragging her older sister right along with her. Her husband Tom loved her very much and accepted her as being so independent and had stood by her through many, many of her silly shenanigans. “I have found us something to do, this week.” “What now sister?” Joelee asked skeptically. She knew her sister and knew it was probably mischief. “We need to go gambling in Philadelphia.” “What in the world for”, Joelee asked? Knowing right then and there that this was a bad idea. The last trip they had taken had landed the two sisters stranded in a motel with 4 feet of snow outside and unable to get out for a week. Tom and Bob had been furious with them. Tom had been worried sick about his wife because the phone lines had been down and Bob too. Bob had nearly starved to death. Tom and Bob both had vowed to put a stop to there wives mischievous adventures. “What do you think sister?” “I don’t know, you remember last time we went off. Tom and Bob had a conniption fit remarked Joelee.” “I know, I know, but we will leave after Bob goes to work and be back before he gets home, they will never know we even left the house.” “Not to mention, we could make us a little extra spending money at the casinos.” “ Okay Suzanne, I’m in but if we get in trouble, this is all your idea.” “Okay, that’s fine. I will pick you up at 6am in the morning. So be ready” “ Okay, I have no idea why I let you talk me into this. Love you Good bye.” “Good Bye said Suzanne excitedly.” Joelee hung the phone up with a sigh. She got up still agitated that she had not got her nap out and was still tired. She was dreading tomorrow. She had never been gambling in her life. All she could think about was what would the neighbors think or the preacher? She must never tell a soul. In the meantime, Suzanne was working on her strategy. She had been listening to people talk about going gambling and winning several thousand dollars and she just knew that she could pull it off. And her and her sister could split the money. She had heard rumor that you watch a person who plays on a machine for a while without winning and once they get up, get on that machine and you will hit. Suzanne was smart and she was sure that she could pull this off. She was excited. She didn’t want to tell Tom what she was up to. So when he came home that evening from work she politely told him that her and Joelee would be gone shopping all day tomorrow and not to worry. Suzanne lay in bed that night unable to sleep thinking about what she was going to do with all the money they were going to win. Joelee lay in bed that night unable to sleep wondering what she had gotten herself into and how she was going to keep Bob from finding out. She knew that if he found out, he would be ill as a hornet and there is no telling what else he might do. This might send him over the edge. Joelee had a restless and sleepless night. Chapter 2 Suzanne pulled up in her sister’s driveway late as usual at 6:30am in her beige 2003 Oldsmobile Calais. She got out and went in her sister’s house. “Are you sure we will be back before Bob gets home?” “Yes I am sure Joelee, would you stop worrying!” “Oh yeah sure Joelee remarked sarcastically.” “ If Bob finds out, he will blow his top.” “That is why he will never find out.” “Just leave it to me big sister and by the end of the day we liable to be rolling in dough” “ We liable to be rolling alright but not in dough. It will be our heads rolling when Bob gets through with us” “Oh Joelee, he will never know, I promise.” “Now come on lets go.” The two sisters finished a cup of coffee and in a few minutes were grabbing their purses and headed out the door. They had been on the road for about an hour when Suzanne noticed the heat hand started to rise. “Uh-Oh, Suzanne said” “Uh-Oh what Joelee snapped” “My heat hand is rising, I am going to have to stop. It is getting to high” “Oh Lord”, replied Joelee. “I knew it; I knew this was a bad idea”. “We are going to have to call one of our husbands to come get us.” “Calm down Joelee, let us get stopped and see if we can figure out what is going on” “Stop being so negative and worrying all the time, you are going to give yourself an ulcer” “You’re the one that is going to give me an ulcer”, Joelee said screaming at Suzanne. They got pulled off on the side of the road and shut the car off. Suzanne popped the hood and began to look under the hood, like she knew what she was doing. Joelee knew her sister didn’t have a clue and wondered why she bothered looking at all. Joelee blood pressure was on the rise and she was wondering how in the world Suzanne could be so calm at a time like this. Joelee got out of the car and slammed the door. “What are we going to do now?” “Give me a minute to think, Suzanne said. Maybe someone will come along and stop and help us.” “What!!” screamed Joelee. “What if that someone who comes along to help us is a serial rapist or killer.”? “Why have you always got to think like that?” Suzanne screamed back at her sister. “Does it always have to be a killer, why can’t a knight in shinning armor come and save the day for once?” Joelee started to say something else but her a Red Ford pick up pulling in behind them got her attention. She and Suzanne watched as a young gentleman in his late 20’s, tall with dark brown hair, dark eyes stepped out of his pick up. Suzanne whispered to her sister, “Here is our knight.” “Yeah well I hope he left his sword at home, replied Joelee.” Suzanne elbowed her sister and shished her. “What seems to be the problem?” tall dark and sexy said. “My car ran hot” Suzanne muttered. Tall dark and sexy was walking towards them. Even Joelee couldn’t help but watch him. “I’ll have a look and see if I can figure out what the problem is.” He bent over the hood and Suzanne got behind him to get a better view. Joelee rolled her eyes but moved closer to her sister. She seemed to like the view as well. Talk, dark and sexy finally stood up. “ Your radiator seems to be out of water.” “ Is that all?” asked Joelee? “That seems to be the problem, if you two ladies will wait right here I’ll be back in a jiffy and we should be able to get you going again” “Okay, thanks” the sisters replied. “See” Suzanne told her sister. “A genuinely nice guy” “With great buns” Joelee threw in. “Sister, I can’t believe you said that” “We’ll I may be old but I am not blind”, Joelee said laughing. The two sisters sat there waiting for tall, dark and sexy to return. He poured the water in the radiator for them and instructed them at the next service station to stop and add some more water. They thanked him and were soon back on the highway stopping to add some water and back again on the road. Joelee and Suzanne arrived at the casino at around 9:30am. They walked in and was soon playing slot machine after slot machine. By 11:30am, they were broke and had lost all there money. Both of them had even gotten cash advances on there credit cards. “What are we going to do now?” asked Joelee. “I don’t know I have no more money. I have spent everything trying to win back what I lost” “Me too” Joelee said sadly. The two sisters sat at a table trying to figure out what in the world they were going to do. Joelee told her sister, “I am not going home and telling Bob that I have lost all our money.” “ He will kill me.” “No, he want just tell him it was my idea and I borrowed the money.” “He will still kill me, he will say that I knew better than to let you borrow money to gamble.” “Yeah well I ain’t exactly thrilled about telling Tom either.” “The last time we got into trouble was a close call, this could do him in.” Joelee started laughing. “How can you be laughing at a time like this?” Then she watched as her sister went from laughing to crying. “How is it that you always get us in these messes?” “Do you not think of the consequences of your actions?” Suzanne feelings hurt, she screamed at Joelee, “well I just wanted us to get out and have a good time.” “I wanted to take you somewhere you had never been.” Suzanne said now crying with her sister. “I couldn’t help but overhear you ladies talking about losing all your money”, a man with a 3 piece suit said. “How would you like an opportunity to earn it all back and more?” “No thank you sir, we have to get home.” Joelee stood up grabbing Suzanne by the arm. “How”, Suzanne said. “Thank you again sir, but we must be going” Joelee pulling on Suzanne’s arm. “How” she said again tearing away from her sister. “All I need someone to do is deliver this package.” “I am unable to do it because I am late for another meeting but this package must arrive on time.” “How much and where does it need to go” Suzanne asked inquisitively? “ Three-thousand dollars and it needs to go to Birmingham, Alabama. This is a very important package.” “What is in the package?” asked Suzanne. “It is very important that my package reaches its destination and that is all I can tell you” “If you do not wish to do it, I am sure someone else will gladly accept the job” “That’s good Mr., ask someone else, we really have to be heading home.” “We will do it”, Suzanne said hastily. “Oh no we want.” “Why not, Suzanne screamed?” “Because Bob and Tom will have our hide if we are not home by the time we are and you know it.” “We are in enough trouble as it is.” “ I have a stack of bills at home, and I have sunk nearly every bit money I have into these stupid slot machines.” “Jolee, we can fix it with the money we make from delivering this package.” “How hard can it be?” “Well if it was any other person besides me and you I would say not to hard, but you and I do not have very good luck.” Suzanne was determined she would now be able to make her money back and all Joelee could do was go along and ride with her sister and pray that they would just deliver this package and get home safely. Chapter 3 A box about the size of a toaster was sitting in the middle of them as they headed towards Birmingham, Alabama. Suzanne and Joelee had said hardly two words to each other after the stranger in the three-piece suit had given them the instructions and the directions to where the package was to be delivered. All they had to do was give another man a package and he would pay them the three thousand dollars and they would be on their way. In Suzanne’s mind this was as good as done and she was wondering what she would spend her half of the money on. She was thinking her and Tom needed some time alone and several days in the mountains sounded real good. A cabin on top of the mountains, a fire in the fireplace, a Jacuzzi, clothes scattered all over the room. “We will make it home in time want we?” Joelee asked her sister desperately tearing her sisters mind away from days in the mountains with Tom. “Of course we will”, Suzanne, said a little annoyed at being torn away from her fantasy. At 3pm the girls were pulling into a driveway that were on the direction that the man in the 3-piece suit had given them. It was a long cement driveway that let to a beautiful mansion like home. The girls were in awe, beautiful home with an expensive yard décor. Who ever lived here was probably either rich or in debt. Ok Joelee, “here we are.” “Do you want to go in with me or are you going to make me go alone?” “I’ll go but only because I want to make sure that we drop the package and get out of here.” Suzanne knocked on the huge heavy door only to have it ease open a little. Knocking again, “Hello, Suzanne called.” She couldn’t see anyone. “Is anyone home?” Nothing. Pushing the door open a little father, Joelee grabbed her arm. “Come on Suzanne let’s go.” “Wait and let’s see if anyone is here.” “No”, Joelee stammered. “We have a strange package that we have no idea what is in it.” “Not to mention, we really have no clue who the man in the 3-piece suit is” “Now, lets leave the package on the doorstep and get out of her.” “Okay replied the younger sister but let me just look inside for a second.” Joelee would be wishing in just a few minutes she would have headed her sisters advise. As they moved there way past the foyer and turned right looking into the great room. A man blindfolded and on his knees. Behind him stood a man in a white suit with a gun in his hand and it was pointed at the back of the other mans head. “You should have never betrayed me Greg”, the man in the white suit said “ I didn’t boss I swear” “I hate liars and thieves” the man in the white suit said and with that he pulled the trigger. Joelee and Suzanne stood frozen in time as they watched the bullet penetrate the back of the skull and the man hit the floor. Suzanne couldn’t believe what she had just witnessed and let out a light scream. The man and white turned to see the two sisters standing there. He raised his gun and fired but he was a little slow. Suzanne and Joelee were running out the door when the bullet fired. Suzanne was in the car and had it in drive pushing the gas as Joelee slammed the passenger door. Suzanne had the car in reverse and took out a small water fountain and flowerbed on her way out of the driveway. “We have to find a policeman,” Suzanne screamed at her sister. “Call 911.” Joelee was busy ripping open the box that had gotten them into this mess. “What is it?” Suzanne asks her older sister. Joelee sat there looking down at a box full of clear white looking substance. “What is it? Suzanne asked again this time even more panicked. “I don’t know sister I have never seen anything like it.” Suzanne slowed down the car and looked down at the box and she felt her heart sink to her knees. They had been hauling a load of crystal meth. This box was probably valued at about 50,000 dollars. She had done it this time. Suzanne was in some serious trouble and as always Joelee right beside her and Joelee didn’t have a clue at the trouble they were about to be in. “Okay sister, you need to start praying Suzanne told her sister.” “We are in big trouble.” “No, all we have to do is call or find the police and report the murder.” Suzanne gripped the stirring wheel and made a sharp turn and got onto Interstate 59 headed toward home and then just blurted it out. “ We can’t call the police and tell them we witnessed a murder when we have about 50,000 dollars in drugs in the car with us.” “This ain’t drugs, is it?” “Oh, tell me it’s not”. All Suzanne could do was shake her head until Joelee starting screaming. “I knew it.” “I knew it was trouble from the moment I picked up the phone yesterday.” “ Now little sister, pray tell me just how you are going to get us out of this mess”, she yelled pointing her finger at her little sister. Suzanne just sat there listening in a daze like. She had no idea what they were going to do. She felt the walls closing in around her. She could now see herself spending the next 35-40 years in Julia Tutweiler prison for drug trafficking. She would not be able to see Tom or her children. She was starting to really panic and she knew just any minute she was going to have a panic attack. Joelee would be sitting there in a jail cell beside her. |
The Eclectic Pen » All Stories by Leslie N.
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