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Here I am again. Pacing, going no where making the impression in the carpeting even more noticeable. What is wrong with me? Why can?t I do this? Everyone else in this god forsaken world does it. 5 more minutes on the computer, that?s what I need to take my mind off of it.
Outside, Outside, Outside. The people, they are everywhere. Going about their business, taking care of the things they need to do. How come they can go to work, the post office, and the store? Why can?t I? I promised myself last night I would wake up and just do the things I need to do. I swore to myself I would do it this time. Yet here I am again, in front of the computer, unable to move. I am paralyzed. The fear is all over me, I am fear. I can?t get up, I need to do the laundry, and I need to clean. I still haven?t mailed out the rent, the mailbox is on the other side of the door.
Here I sit staring at my to-do list. So many things, so many people I am supposed to call. Oh Shit, the phone is ringing, I can?t answer it, the panic is just too much. The spiders are on the phone, I just can?t pick it up. they will get me. And the person on the other end will be mad at me. I wish someone could understand.
I have to go outside now, I don?t have choice. Need to walk the dog, need to get dog food. The door it?s so far. Maybe if I stand at the door for a few minutes and breathe I can open it. The handle feels hot; I am choking on my breath. My chest is going to explode, my breathing is speeding up. Choking, deep breath, choking, deep breath.
Ok I can turn the handle and just run to the car as fast as possible. I?m a squirrel running from the predator after me. I made it to the car. Ok Breath, just breath.
The store is Packed the lines are so long, everyone is looking at me, I am the crazy woman everyone notices. It?s ok, just pay for the dog food and run back to the car.
Breathe, deeply. I am back in the parking lot. All that?s left is to retreat into my bubble, where I can hide and no one can get me there.
Another day, 1 task completed, Breathe.