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Topic: Critique please!

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Subject: Critique please!
Date Posted: 8/17/2009 6:11 PM ET
Member Since: 7/1/2009
Posts: 15
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Wrapping seeds in soil/ Lulling them to grow/ Shielding them from bitter winds/ From early frost and snow/ So all will rise as fragrant herbs/ A temptress for the tongue/ Searing in a melting pot/ Their scents oozing into one/ Yet from the sweet rosemary/ Intrudes a weed contrary/ A wild rose stands alone/ Refusing to drown/ In home's choral sound/ She leaves comfort to claim her own/
Date Posted: 8/18/2009 6:08 PM ET
Member Since: 10/13/2007
Posts: 36,445
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you would get a better response on the electic pen.

Just remember to add at the end that you want reviews or critique.

I myself know next to nothing about poems sorry :(

Subject: quiry
Date Posted: 8/22/2009 11:19 PM ET
Member Since: 3/30/2008
Posts: 1
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I loved the poem until the last three lines.  Then it seems to talk about something else, something disappointing and left me with more quesitons than with the joy and peace of the earlier lines.  Could you finsh with something that feels happy and expectant and leave the last three lines for another poem?  Just a thought. 

Date Posted: 8/23/2009 2:39 PM ET
Member Since: 7/1/2009
Posts: 15
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thanks for the feedback! i do consider the last three lines to be a turn in the poem but they aren't meant to be a downer. i see your point though. if i revise this poem i'll definatly re-post and anticipate your feedback :)

Date Posted: 11/11/2009 11:07 PM ET
Member Since: 8/12/2009
Posts: 229
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A few observations...

The first half of the poem is excellent (and that is a tough compliment to get from a writing editor). 

The last 5 lines don't match the first half of the poem. I don't understand what rosemary and spices have to do with a rose. At that point, you are splitting your poem into two different topics, with the first half dominating the second in both meaning and content. Now, if you want to include all plants as the general subject of the poem, you will need to add more lines to balance the content out, thus giving a feel of fullness to your garden and pulling the whole meaning together. If not, shorten the poem and stick with herbs alone.

I don't mind the darker connotation in the middle of the poem, but with the light feel at the beginning, you needed that positive at the end to complete the initial good feeling.

Hope this helps!