||© Copyright 2008
“I hate the rain”, she thought to herself. She watched it fall from the window of the cafe where she was at. The small table for two barely held her big coffee cup and saucer she was supplied with from the barista. She couldn't see how the small table could handle the laptops the other patrons brought in. “Stupid tables” she thought.
She stared out the window. The rain was always so dreary and depressing. She hated the days it rained. Of course she hated all days. She hated life in general. She just got done seeing her therapist and amazingly she didn't feel any better.
“So how are you feeling today Beth?”
“Fine” was her response. That was always her response.
Her therapist, Dr. Allison D. Scott, looked at her just through the top of the rim of her glasses. It was getting to the end of the sessions Beth's mother had paid for and Beth wasn't any better than the first day she came. Allison had tried her best to get Beth to open up to her. But since his death Beth closed herself off to everyone. Even the countless sessions hadn't seem to helped Beth get over her depression and negativity. Allison wondered if she did everything right, she never had a patient not show any progress at all. The one thing though that puzzled Allison was Beth never cried, not at any of their sessions. For someone that was so emotional and who had so much emotional damage, this was unusual.
“So tell me how was your week?” Allison probed Beth.
“Fine” was Beth's response again.
“Did you work on what I asked you to work on?” Allison asked
“No” was the answer.
And this is how all the sessions happened. Allison had called Beth's mom to ask her if there was something that would bring her back to reality. Beth's mom had told her that Beth used to paint. That was her happy place, but hadn't seen Beth paint in years.
Allison tried that approach, she had requested that Beth paint her a picture. Beth said she would, like she agreed to anything that Allison requested. But as always she never did it.
Allison tried one more request. The response from Beth came as a surprise to Allison. Beth had told her no, not yes as she usually did. This was the one thing that gave Allison hope, she felt this was the one thing she said to Beth that actually got to her.
Beth couldn't understand why everyone wouldn't just leave her alone. She wanted to be left alone to grieve, to disappear. She didn't care that it had already been a year since that day. Beth stared out the window and cursed under her breath. She was mad it was raining, she was mad at Allison, and at her mom for even making her go to these sessions. She was 27 she didn't need to be told what to do anymore. And what Allison asked of her? That was just ridiculous.
Yet she found herself thinking about it. Who did she think she was? Who the hell did she think she was?? To ask her to do such a thing. Since day one she had asked her to do things, and Beth always agreed. But she never did it. What was the point? It wouldn't “help” her. Her mind started going back to that day.
“Put that camera down!” Beth yelled at Jacob. “You and that damn camera!” Jacob poked his head out from the camera he had in his hands with a big grin. That smile always made her smile, it was amazing that after 5 years of marriage he could still do that to her. Right when she smiled he clicked his camera.
Beth laughed at Jacob. “You are such a dork!”
“Maybe, but I still won!” Jacob said as he looked down at the view finder. “Come on, we need a few more pictures for our anniversary album!”
This was their 5th year anniversary and he wanted to do something special for her. It was the monsoon months and he knew she loved going up the mountain when it rained, so he got them a cabin for the weekend. Beth loved it. It was the sweetest gift he could have given her.
They were on one of the many walks they've gone on for this trip and she enjoyed every minute of it even the picture taking. As he put the camera down he took her hand into his and the strolled through the trail. In the distance they heard the thunder roll.
“We should probably cut this stroll short, we don't want to get rained on” Jacob said.
“You mean you don't want your camera to get rained on” Beth remarked back with a smile.
“That too” Jacob replied.
Beth laughed, this was a great weekend. She needed this so very much. She was struggling with work problems and it was nice to finally get away from all of them. But as the day progressed she knew that soon they would have to leave and that she would have to get back to the daily grime.
All of a sudden Jacob stopped and since they were still holding hands he dragged her back to him. His hand reached across to her face and he cupped it as he kissed her. Her lips met his and their tongues slowly entered into each others mouth. Beth loved those kisses. And just as abruptly as Jacob started kissing her, he stopped. He smiled mischievously.
“You don't have to stop” Beth said lowly.
“I don't want to stop, but if we don't then we won't make it back before it rains. And I didn't bring my camera bag.”
“Fine! Then Beth laughed, “We should hurry, those clouds over there are dark”
Jacob kissed her one more time before they turned around to go back.
The rain continued to fall outside the windows of the cafe. Beth still sat there with her coffee that she hadn't had but a few sips of. It was cold now but the froth was still floating around on top.
Beth remembered clearly that day. She was surprised about how many details she remembered about that day still. She remembered the sprinkles of rain starting, then the rain. She remembered Jacob stuffing his camera down his shirt, and how they ran back to the cabin. How they were laughing the whole way, and how they made love all afternoon after that.
But worse off she remembered how the day ended. The thoughts and memories she had tried so hard to hold back now came out of her like the floods that the monsoons brought. The stupid rain! She thought to herself.
She tried to shake off the memories. Why the hell did Allison tell her to take a trip up there? Why would she ask her to do such a thing? She felt a tear fall from her eye. She was crying. She hadn't cried since that day and now she was crying. Is this what they all wanted? Is this what Allison wanted? She never cried in front of anyone since the accident. What was the point? No one could help her. No one could bring Jacob back. They didn't need to see those tears, those tears didn't belong to them, they belong to him, to Jacob.
She wiped away the tears and watched as the rain fell harder. Allison thinks that she blames herself for the accident, for Jacob dying. “What does she know?” Beth asked herself.
“I don't blame myself, I blame the rain” Beth says outloud. A few people turn to her as she raised her voice but then quickly turned back to their book or computer.
“Fine” Beth says to herself. “She wants me to go back there, then I will, Right now.” Beth leaves the full cup of coffee on the table and walks out the big glass doors into the pouring rain.
By the time she gets to the car and opens it up she is drenched in water. She doesn't care. She backs up the car and pulls into the empty street. “See I'm not the only one who hates the rain” She thinks to herself.
She continues to think about that day, about the drive back, about that turn. The rain was coming down so hard that day, Jacob wasn't even driving fast. He was driving 25 mph on the normal 55 mph road. There was no reason why he should have died. There is no reason why she should have lived through that accident. Why couldn't she have died with him? Why did she have to be without him? She was screaming those questions in her head.
She was there, she was on the road that he died on. This was the first time that she had even attempted to drive this road. And now she was there, with the rain pouring down. Along with the rain falling, her tears were too. So much that she couldn't even see the road, but that didn't slow her down. She was driving twice as fast as Jacob had that fateful day.
It didn't stop her though. “Screw Allison, screw them all.” Beth thought to herself. They had no idea what she had gone through since the accident.
“Jacob!” Beth cried out as she made the same turn that they made a year earlier. Just like Jacob had that day Beth lost control of the car. Beth flashed back, “I love you” was the last words Jacob said to her the day he died. “I love you Jacob” was the last words Beth said a year later.