"Well this sucks," I mutter while assessing the situation. The only way my family and I can get to Heaven is if I don't fuck this up...again. Sitting on the '70s era love seat in my grandparents' livingroom I am profoundly grateful that I am dry. Drowning has a way of dampening everything.
When I thought of Limbo, I always pictured it as a vast span of nothingness. Penryn, Pennsylvania was not what I had in mind but fit the bill nicely. While the rest of the country was over-run with "Godzilla" and his extended family, Penryn remained unaffected. I have to give it to God, I could not have chosen a better way for me to redeem myself if I tried. How was I to know that William Penn enchanted the village when he gave this windy hill to a bunch of farmers? That shit was not covered in the anniversary book.
"I'm going to tell you a secret, this country is fucked."
Confused I look over to the doorway that leads from the livingroom into kitchen at the man who when I last saw him was emancipated and finally at rest looking like the man he was before cancer ate him body and spirit, "Dad? What the hell are you doing here?"
"I have to kill a buck in archery season before I can go up. What are you doing here?"
"I got bored and kinda destroyed Penryn and got Grandma and Pappy killed. Apparently, when Mr. Penn came to the ribbon ceremony he buried a box to protect the town from Demons. I dug it up and promptly got everyone I loved killed. As I lay dieing I prayed for forgiveness and was granted a chance at redemption. I now have to get the box back from Big Ugly and his cohorts and not open it. If I can get it back and hold onto it, without opening it, I can go up to Heaven with the rest of my family. Oh and FYI I don't think being drunk in Purgatory is going to get you off the job any faster."
Brushing off the booze comment Dad said,"Jesus Christ, Jen!." Taking another swig of Pappy's homebrew he adds, "What the hell is that?"
I swing a look behind me and see Desmonda and Earl, I think. It could be Trish. They look so much alike, you know, nineteen foot tall Geico Gecko's with glandular problems. They were ripping off the roof of the pig farm looking for piggies to munch on. "That would be trouble but, on the other hand, at least we wont be smelling pig shit while we are here."
" Where did they come from and how do we kill them?"
"Cloning gone wrong and God told me that I am not allowed to kill any of them. But Grandma killed Desmonda (that's the bluish one) with rat poison and if the greenish black one is Earl he died via trip wire and a mob. They are virtually bulletproof due to their very tough skin."
"Even if they could be killed with guns there isn't even a pea shooter in this God forsaken place." seeing me wince he added, "we probably shouldn't take the Lord's name in vain seeing He is the one going to eventually spring us from this place. And what in G-- is up with the names?"
"Well you know how they name storms so people take them more seriously, same concept. They named all the creatures so that we would understand that they are a huge threat. Apparently, we are too stupid to realize that huge lizards that eat everything are a danger."
"Like I said, fucked. I'm going to head to the garage and grab another bottle and head out to my tree stand to see if I can kill that twelve pointer today."
I could use some wine myself so I follow my dad out to the two car garage. Looking around I notice that the two windows on both sides are wide open. That is when it truly hit me that I was not dreaming and this was some sort of way-station/game show. What can I say, I'm slow on the uptake.
Wandering around Pap's truck to where my dad is, I look out the window to see the twelve pointer that as long as I can recall has been living in the woods behind this house. My dad grabs his crossbow and takes careful aim. "Excuse me."
Years of being taught to zip it in the presents of deer is the only reason that I didn't scream like a little bitch. "Shh! If you scare it away...," dad whispered.
I look over the hood of the truck to see who was trying to get our attention and nearly screamed despite the fact that it would make Bambi's dad bolt. There before me was the loveliest eyeball I have ever seen, a huge giant lizard eye ringed with eyelashes. I give it the one moment signal and mouth the same. I hear the twang of the bow letting loose its arrow and prayed my dad got his buck at last. "Woo, got the fucker! I cant wait to tell Bruce. Uh, Jen..."
"Everyone's dead except mom. Wal-mart refused to shut down for the Apocalypse and thankfully her store is built on an Indian burial plot so it was shielded from the creatures."
Dad nodded and went to go and clean his kill.
"Now, how may I help you," I said to the eyeball.
"I want that deer."
I look back though the window in time to see my dad being taken up to Heaven to boast of his kill.
"I'll trade you the deer for the box"
"Deal. Its at the bottom of the pool . I dropped it when I tried to pull you out."
As I headed to pool I realized that I am leaving this world like I left the last. Wet.