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Topic: Need Some Input

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Subject: Need Some Input
Date Posted: 8/25/2012 9:49 AM ET
Member Since: 6/24/2012
Posts: 7
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I posted some things on the Eclectic Pen but have received very little feedback. i would appreciate any comments on this! It is a summary of a project I'm thinking about starting.



Bella had just graduated high school. She had a nice boyfriend, a good life, and her whole future ahead of her.

  But one rainy night in October, everything changed. A car crash killed her best friend and left Bella severely injured.

  When she wakened in the hospital, she wasn’t Bella Scott any more.

  The whole world believes she’s dead…but she’s not.

  The government saved her life, and now believes it owns her.

A superchip gives her extraordinary regenerative powers. It doesn’t matter that she would rather be dead than a freak. It doesn’t matter that she wants out.

  Russia’s after the microchip….and they’re willing to start World War III to get it. Bella is thrust into a world she knows nothing about, fighting for her life. Her new partner isn’t helping.

  Dylan Forrester is a very bitter, cynical Fed. He and Bella are forced into a tense truce.

  But Dylan has a shocking secret…and he’s not the only one…

  Bella’s running out of time. And so is the world.   

Last Edited on: 8/25/12 9:50 AM ET - Total times edited: 1
Date Posted: 9/2/2012 3:17 PM ET
Member Since: 1/23/2010
Posts: 2,393
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I'm in a hurry. Typing fast.  This will likley sound harsh please take it as my honest thoughts cuz I'm too lazy to pretty it up.

This sounds like the back cover blurb from about 40 million different books.

Tragic accident

Personal Loss

Personal Crisis

Hunted by evil

Forced to trust a stranger

Hidden secrets

Every other book you pick us will sound a lot like this. It could work if the Heroine is complex enough.

I don't believe an 18 year old can be dynamic enough to own the story you will have to write in order to sell your treatment.

I also think Russia is a mistake. North Korea or China would be better, more in line with current events.

Date Posted: 9/3/2012 12:02 AM ET
Member Since: 4/27/2007
Posts: 8,546
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This may sound strange, but when I hear the name Bella, I'm instantly thinking "Twilight". Unfair, I know, but the mind makes that jump. And there's a weird indestructability there that is vaguely linkable to vampirism.

I would change the heroine's name.

It may be a peculiar recommendation, but I would seriously consider it.

Date Posted: 9/17/2012 11:01 AM ET
Member Since: 8/14/2008
Posts: 3,574
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I llike the synopsis. I would probably buy this book.

Of course, any synopsis can make a good book or a bad book, it depends on the writing. You've written a good synopsis, so I assume you can write a good story to go with it.

I do think Russia dates it. So I would leave it Russia if you want it in that period, or if you're willing to do deep political background about how Russia is secretly planning to make a comeback. If you want it more modern, change as per Nancy's suggestin.

I thought of Twilight too, when I read 'Bella'.

Date Posted: 2/8/2013 10:34 PM ET
Member Since: 1/27/2013
Posts: 47
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I like it. I definitely thought of twilight too. Especially if you're going with a teenager. Sorry, hope you haven't gotten too attached to the name. Government conspiracy books are really popular, and a lot of time do sound the same. I like this spin on it though-with it being a young girl. I'd probably read it.