Discussion Forums - Love & Romance Love & Romance

Topic: Marital problems (long)

Club rule - Please, if you cannot be courteous and respectful, do not post in this forum.
Page:   Unlock Forum posting with Annual Membership.
Subject: Marital problems (long)
Date Posted: 2/23/2008 1:34 PM ET
Member Since: 8/23/2007
Posts: 26,510
Back To Top

I posted this on the CMT but thought maybe I could get some encouragement or support from you ladies.  I know it's not the best place for this but.  I cry so hard when I talk about it that I don't want to call anyone.  I'm trying to get the crying under control so I can just function today.  And it's easier to type while sobbing than it its to talk on the phone.  My family all lives across the country and my local friends have pretty much all transferred out of here.  I'm just going to copy and paste what I posted on the other board.

So it looks like I will be seperating form my husband. How do you tell your kids?  How do I handle the fact that we have to cohabitate until the summer?  I don't want share a bed with a man who can't get over the fact that I have a weight problem.  He says he loves me and doesn't want to divorce but he has no faith in my ability to lose weight and keep it off.  I was overweight when he married me so it's not like he was expecting a thin wife.  I do so much for him and all he can focus on is my weight. 

We seemed to be getting along this week. Last night he went out with some buddies who were deploying in a few days. I drop him off.  I go out again at 11pm w/my daughter and bring him a coat so he can walk home later.  He comes home a 2:30 and wakes me up and starts in about all the good times we used to have and why don't I love myself enough to keep the weight off and the house cleaner.  (it's never clean enoughf or him no matter what I do).  He keeps me up until 5am talking about all this. He goes out like a light. I  sleep from 7-8 until my daughter wakes up and wants breakfast.  I can't stop crying. I'm trying not to let her see me but it's hard to hide in a small house.

To top it off, we had invited his buddy over with his kids to watch a boxing match.  I was going to cook some ribs.  I told him I didn't want the buddy to come. He said just don't cook. We'll order pizza. But now I'm a wreck and the buddy is coming over.  I wonder if my husband has told this guy about the things he's upset about. This guy's wife is a drug addict.  They had to pull him off duty in Iraq because CPS came to take his kids away. We took custody until he could get home.  She doesn't do anything. She's gained over 100lbs in that last couple years. She doesn't work and doesn't do any house work. Just chain smokes all day and watches TV.  And my husband thinks he has it so bad with an over weight wife and some clutter.  I watch kids during the day, I do all the cooking, the housework, any chauffering for my daughter, handle all the finances, all the lawn-care, I go to the gym 3-4x's a week. I cannot be June fucking Cleaver!

In July he transfers cross county to MD.  We own a house in Virginia Beach.  My daughter and I can go live there.  He says if we can't work things out he'll give me that house and pay child support. I have an IRA worth about  w/$50,000. We have $160,000 in equity in the rental house and will get about $75,000 out of this house.  So I'm not worried about money.  But we have a house here we need to sell. No spare bed for one of us to use.  Do we share the bed, knowing we're breaking up, just to keep it looking good for our daughter?  The house is small and  it's really not feasable for one of us to sleep on the couch.  I have a family room down stairs and off the garage where I could put a small bed. 

I just don't know what to do. It's all so overwhelming.  Thanks for listening.

Date Posted: 2/23/2008 1:41 PM ET
Member Since: 12/7/2006
Posts: 1,099
Back To Top

(((((HUGS)))))  I'm so sorry you're going through all of this.  Are you happy with your weight?  Because if you are and he's not - then that's his problem and not yours.    If you really think you guys are headed towards separation, then I would think you'd want to prepare your daughter (no clue about her age).  I'm sure she can already sense that there's something wrong.  Can your husband stay with a friend in the interim?

Date Posted: 2/23/2008 1:47 PM ET
Member Since: 8/23/2007
Posts: 26,510
Back To Top

He goes on the ship for most of March, April & May. So I guess we can tough it out for another month.  My daughter is 10 and she already knows we are having problems.  I keep telling her Mommy & Daddy will work it out but it appears that he tired of "working" on the marriage. He says it shouldn't be work and I say all marriages need "work" to survive. 

Date Posted: 2/23/2008 1:54 PM ET
Member Since: 5/3/2006
Posts: 6,436
Back To Top

Oh Mary, I'm so sorry.  I think he needs a swift reality check to the behind. And they say romance readers live in a fantasy world.

I don't think you should force yourself to sleep in the same bed.  Your daughter is old enough to understand and she already knows things aren't right.  Trying to fool kids rarely works, they can sense undercurrents in the family.

Date Posted: 2/23/2008 2:10 PM ET
Member Since: 8/23/2007
Posts: 26,510
Back To Top

Oh and it's my birthday tomorrow. Woo-frickin-hoo.  He wants to know where I want to go to dinner.  Like I want to sit and eat a meal out with this man right now.  I don't even want the birthday cake my daugher made last night.  She wanted to make one so badly, I couldn't say no. But the sight of it is making me physically ill. 

Date Posted: 2/23/2008 2:10 PM ET
Member Since: 11/5/2006
Posts: 749
Back To Top

I'm so sorry you're going through this Mary. I read your post before in the CMT and have to agree with what people said there, that this can't be all about your weight. IMO that's just a convenient explanation and slaps at you at the same time. The weight is not a new thing and if he loves you like he says he wouldn't be such an a** about it. He seems to be unhappy with his life(maybe he's having a mid-life crisis of sorts) and is laying the blame at your feet instead of looking at himself. My only advice to do what works for you, what makes you happy. Maybe get some counseling for yourself. I think you said before he didn't want to go. Even if she doesn't say it I would imagine your daughter is very aware of what's going on.

I am in a similar position of trying to decide to leave or stay. It's not an easy one, especially with kids, and it can really screw with your head. My husband signed up for the National Guard while this thing in Iraq was going on. Of course his unit was deployed, to Ramadi of all places, for 18 months. He has been back close to 2 years and is just now starting to look into getting help(doesn't mean he'll follow thru). He has PTSD for sure and a possible TBI. I battle daily with the decision to stay or go and which would be better for my kids.

Date Posted: 2/23/2008 2:19 PM ET
Member Since: 7/31/2006
Posts: 14,634
Back To Top

Mary I'm so sorry you're having ot go through this. I'm not married but put up with a long term relationship that I should have called quits long before it was over. there's no reason for weight to be that big of an issue..I mean, I can understand not being happy with a spouse's weight but there are more important issues than that I'd think.

sorry I don't have advice but I want you to know I'm thinking of you. keep posting/hanging out here 'kay?! as far as the weight, I've been doing Weight Watchers for a little over a year and I've been sorta stalled.it's important but that the most important. I just hope your daughter doesn't get the idea that she has to be skinny to have her daddy or any man be happy with her.

Date Posted: 2/23/2008 3:01 PM ET
Member Since: 8/23/2007
Posts: 26,510
Back To Top

In his defense, he doesn't harp on my weight in front of my daughter.  He just denies me love and affection when he's unhappy with my weight.  She's 10. I'm sure she knows that something is up.  I suggested counceling last night. All I got is "maybe your right" and then another tirade about how if I loved him more, I would lose the weight and keep it off, but "this isn't about your weight"  and "I keep my self in shape for you, why don't you do the same for me" and "my mother has never had a weight problem" (she's a chain smoker).  He even suggested that my taking up smoking would be preferable to the weight. "you might as well the extra weight will kill ya anyway, why not start smoking.  It'll help you lose weight".  I know lots of fat people who smoke, so there goes that theory. 

Date Posted: 2/23/2008 3:10 PM ET
Member Since: 12/7/2006
Posts: 1,099
Back To Top

Mary - what he's saying is hurtful and cruel IMO.  There is definitely more to his story and if he won't seek counseling, you need to decide what's going to be best and healthiest for you and your daughter.

Date Posted: 2/23/2008 3:43 PM ET
Member Since: 4/25/2007
Posts: 11,697
Back To Top

Mary, so sorry you're having marital problems.  Sounds like it's his problem though.  You've tried to work it out, you've suggested counciling and he won't go.  Maybe you should go talk to someone by yourself.  Your daughter too.  It'd give the 2 of you a place to talk and you someone to talk to about the whole situation.  Maybe your hubby would go if he sees you and your daughter going.  Even if you're determined to spilt up, maybe a counciler can help make that more amicable.

And, hey, it's my birthday tomorrow too!  How cool is that?

Date Posted: 2/23/2008 3:57 PM ET
Member Since: 7/31/2006
Posts: 14,634
Back To Top


Date Posted: 2/23/2008 4:57 PM ET
Member Since: 12/10/2006
Posts: 5,577
Back To Top

I'm so sorry you are going through this Mary!! I agree that the weight is just an excuse for him to use. I don't have any advice really to offer, my own marriage is far from perfect, but I just wanted to say that we are here for you.


Date Posted: 2/23/2008 5:31 PM ET
Member Since: 8/9/2007
Posts: 4,058
Back To Top

If you don't mind me saying so, he's a jackass.  Male or female, you can marry a supermodel, and you have no guarantees that they'll stay that way forever.  Nothing about you should be any surprise to him anyway.  My husband has told me more than once that my outward appearance has little or nothing to do with how he feels about me, and I know it's true.  I've been overweight, and I've also been too thin.  He's never treated me any differently in the last 25yrs we've been together.  He likes my hair long, but compliments me on the style when I wear it short.  One of our running jokes is that he thinks I mostly have no taste in clothes:P  But he never comments on what I'm wearing at any given time, unless it's to say I look nice, or "Is that new?" (the cheapskate:).  Frankly, he's not so perfect himself.  He was traffic stopping gorgeous when I met him - awesome body - but I never expected him to be or stay perfect "for me".  I'd feel like an ass for even thinking such a thing.  And the bottom line, I think the way my marriage is, is the bare minimum of what any woman should be able to expect from marriage.  If he's so concerned about outward appearance, if he's such a perfect specimen himself, I suggest you release him back into the wild to be with his own kind.  Stupid and superficial people are always happier in herds anyway:)  Decide what you want for yourself Mary, and then go get it, and DO NOT EVER settle for someone who treats you like anything less than the only woman in the world for him.  If you have to change to make him happy, he's obviously the wrong man for you.  Whether you're perfect or not, you are who you are, and trying to change for someone else never works for anybody anyway.

Date Posted: 2/23/2008 5:40 PM ET
Member Since: 7/31/2006
Posts: 14,634
Back To Top

Amen Kim! well said!

Date Posted: 2/23/2008 5:50 PM ET
Member Since: 10/19/2007
Posts: 1,028
Back To Top

My mother told me a long time ago never to depend on anyone for anything.  That having been said, it's time for you to move on and make a new life for yourself.  I don't know what his true issue is, but you have to ask yourself this--if he put on a lot of weight would you leave him or stop loving him?

As for the same bed situation, so what?  It won't be the first time a man and a woman have done nothing in bed besides sleep.  It happens in my house all the time :) 

You have to take a deep breath and concentrate on you and your daughter right now.  Look towards July with hope and great expectations and if, in the interim, you guys work it out, great.  If not, move on. 

Date Posted: 2/23/2008 6:05 PM ET
Member Since: 12/10/2005
Posts: 2,851
Back To Top

I'm new to this board, Mary, but I just want to say I'm sorry, too. Part of where you go from here is in his hands, which you can't control. So, if I were you, I'd get counseling for myself. If he wants to participate, all the better. But I think you should do it for you and your daughter.

There will be tough times ahead. Just take them one day at a time.


Date Posted: 2/23/2008 7:57 PM ET
Member Since: 2/24/2006
Posts: 5,498
Back To Top

Mary I'm so sorry you're going through this. Like the others, I don't believe its got a thing to do with your weight - that's just an easy excuse.  I think you should see a counselor and go whether or not he goes with you.  But if he doesn't go - then he needs to find another place to live.  He's the unhappy one, not you.

Happy birthday sweetie.  BIG HUGS!!


Date Posted: 2/23/2008 8:24 PM ET
Member Since: 12/7/2005
Posts: 1,008
Back To Top

Mary, sorry to hear about your situation.  No one in a relationship bears all the fault for problems and it doesn't seem that he is willing to accept any responsibility.  There's no way that he keeps himself fit "for you".  He does that for himself.  Maybe at his age and with him in the military, he is feeling the pressure from the younger guys on the way up.  Did I get it wrong, isn't he an aviator?  Don't they start limiting their flight time after a certain age?  I don't know much about it, but he might be having a real career and identity crisis.  Men do generally define themselves by their careers. But of course that doesn't make it okay to be so cruel to you.  I hope you can find a good counselor and go, even if you go alone.

Date Posted: 2/23/2008 8:31 PM ET
Member Since: 12/6/2006
Posts: 623
Back To Top

I hope, despite everything, you are able to find some joy in your birthday!

    Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!

Date Posted: 2/23/2008 9:09 PM ET
Member Since: 12/21/2007
Posts: 1,642
Back To Top

Last Edited on: 1/16/10 7:35 AM ET - Total times edited: 1
Lori V. (cjsmom) - ,
Date Posted: 2/23/2008 10:38 PM ET
Member Since: 5/19/2006
Posts: 423
Back To Top

Mary, I have been there and you have big hugs from me.  I know there is nothing that any of us can say to make it better.  Keep your daughter first and formost and do what is best for YOU!  Depending on what his real reasons are, you may be al she has.  I agree with eveyone else there is something else and he does not want to tell you or he may not even know himself.  Midlife  crashes as I call them are a pain and the males seem to go through them the worst.  My Dad did the same thing to my Mom after 35 years and used weight and house work too.  (We were diorvce buddies together)  Anyway we are here for you and I know that somtimes it helps to talk to people and the fact that we do not know you personaly helps too!!!!   Remember DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU!!!!!!! 

Date Posted: 2/23/2008 11:29 PM ET
Member Since: 8/23/2007
Posts: 26,510
Back To Top

Thank you. I appreciate all the advice, support and encouragement. 

Date Posted: 2/24/2008 2:25 AM ET
Member Since: 1/5/2008
Posts: 140
Back To Top


What a tough place to be,I truly feel for you.  You've gotten some great advice from the ladies here.  I agree that your hubby is using your weight as a stupid excuse.  He likely knows it's a sensitive issue and is exploiting that to make you feel bad or be down on yourself.  It honestly sounds like he's being an insensitive and disrespectful ass - things like inviting his friend over when you were upset just isn't a kind thing to do. 

It is terrible to consider seperation or divorce when there are children involved...  however what effect is what he's saying  having on your daughter?  She's at a formative age and is developing her own sense of self and body image. In essence what is he is saying is that  fat people don't deserve love or that no one will love you if you're fat.  It's entirely untrue and damaging. That's not healthy for either of you to be around. 

Sending you lots of support and hugs

Date Posted: 2/24/2008 12:20 PM ET
Member Since: 8/25/2007
Posts: 13,134
Back To Top

He says if we can't work things out he'll give me that house and pay child support

This seems to me that he's already making plans that it won't work out and that he doesn't seem to want to work it out.  As others have said, and what I said in my previous post, it seems that HE is the one with problems and your
 weight and housekeeping skills are a convenient way to deflect the real issues he has.  It's always easier to make it about someone/something else rather than accepting personal responsibility.

Mary, I am so sorry you are so hurt by this and him.  Make the decision that's best for YOU.  Your daughter is important but if you end up staying only for her, you'll be miserable and she will know.

I hope you have a Happy Birthday in spite of him (or maybe just to spite him!).  My present to you is a copy of Freefall by JoAnn Ross, which will be popped in the mail later today.  I wish I could give you something to make you feel better, but that's gonna be up to you to do.  We'll all be here for you, you know!

Date Posted: 2/24/2008 12:35 PM ET
Member Since: 4/22/2006
Posts: 4,736
Back To Top

Happy Birthday, Mary

Because of the age of your daughter (10?), you are still a "sweet, young thing" and have your whole life ahead of you yet.  So he loves you and doesn't want to divorce you, but has no faith in your ability to lose weight and keep it off.  The best way for you to lose around 185 pounds or so is to get rid of him.  (I'm just being sarcastic there and didn't really mean that.)  I'd tell him to get a life and get over it.  Unless your weight is a health concern, it shouldn't affect his feelings for you.  And believe me, I know from where I speak.  I'm in sort of the same situation and have been for some time.  I've been  married to the same man for close to 26 years and it's sure not been a picnic.  (No kids between the two of us, but he has 5 from former marriages and guess what . . . the end of those marriages was always the woman's fault. )  Get real here dude.   I've been thin, I've been heavy, lost weight, and am now heavier than I've ever been.  No, I don't like it, but I don't think it changes who I am.  My husband used to tell me that I wasn't fat, I was "sturdy", but then he says, here you go, finish up my french fries!  Now what kind of a compliment is that?  As most all of the previous postings have said, your husband has the problem, not you.  I think he is complaining too much and has a guilty conscience about something.  And they say the best offense is a good defense, so I think he's trying to relieve his conscience by trying to make you feel bad about your weight.  He has a bad case of the "mid life crisis."