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Topic: Am I the only one like this?

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Subject: Am I the only one like this?
Date Posted: 2/13/2008 11:25 AM ET
Member Since: 2/19/2007
Posts: 1,610
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Ok I have this problem where I think no one even knows I am alive or cares or cares about what I say.

When family members go out to the bar they call everyone else and no one calls me unless they want a sitter to go out. No ones even called in months for me to baby-sit. I find out about everyone going out a couple days later.

No one calls to say hi or anything excpet one sister who calls when she needs something.

On the net I don't really talk to people because i feel/think that no one cares what I say. I can't tell you how many times I will add a comment to the boards here and hit the back up button telling myself no one cares what I say anyways.

I love my landlord to death and I know she cares about me. We talk just about everyday and teh days we don't is because she is gone for the day. She lives right across the street and we have become friends I guess you could cal it. I do things for her she does things for me. We are going to go golfing this summer and camping together. But while I am there talking to her I feel like I am being a burden and think yet again that she don't care what I have to say.

I am a very nice person and I help everyone I can (if someone pm'ed me and said I have 5 books on my shelf and they were out of creidts and would i send them for free I would) Thats just how I am. I have a habit of being so nice and doing things for other people that in the end I some how get screwed over. So I knwo people aren't staying a way from me because I am mean.

I am not trying to have a pity party for myself . I really always feel like this? Does anyone else ever feel like this and how do I quit feeling like this?

Thanks for any advise you can give me...

Date Posted: 2/13/2008 10:03 PM ET
Member Since: 3/31/2006
Posts: 28,476
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I feel like that myself at times.  I have often felt like I'm on the outside looking in or like I'm always on the edge of the group and not quite with the group.  When we have family gatherings, I am alot of times outside the conversations.

I'm also like you.  I do what I can to help others. I've got a soft heart.  If a family member called in need right now, I'd do whatever I could for them.   But, alot of times I feel like people take advantage of my kindness.  It seems like I'm the one who has to call friends to keep things going. I seem to attract alot of fair weather friends.

I'm not sure how you break that barrier.  On my part, I think it has to do with insecurity and not quite trusting other people.  Some of the isolation comes from being disabled.  I know that sometimes I will be at a gathering.  Everyone is standing around in the kitchen, but I can't do that, so I'm sort of sitting off in the chair, not really apart of stuff.  I know that many times when I'm left out it's because I cannot do what the group is going to do.

I don't really have any advise for you, but I do empathize.   I've always been a bit reclusive and being disabled makes it difficult to get out and about.  I can say the internet has allowed me to make friends much easier than I can now.  The internet has helped me meet alot of interesting people that I might not have other wise met.

Date Posted: 2/13/2008 10:24 PM ET
Member Since: 2/19/2007
Posts: 1,610
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I am sorry you feel that way to. It is nice to know that I am not alone though. Thanks for sharing.

Date Posted: 2/14/2008 4:31 PM ET
Member Since: 1/18/2005
Posts: 1,273
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I know just how you feel I was born with kidney disease and I have a bad back I'm bedridden 99% of the time and I hate to talk about it all the time I dont want people to think I want them to feel sorry for me but I talk about it because it's my whole life  I spend my life in a bed with Tv on , Laptop , Books . I have a great family but I feel bad that I cant get out and do things with my kids like other parents can .. Sometimes I dont post on the boards because I'm sure there are a few who dont want me to talk about my health issues or dont like me for some reason so I dont post as much as I would like so 99% of the time I feel like I'm not part of the "reg" group who post all the time I dont post alot because I know that most could care less about what I have to say about anything . I try to find something to laugh about everyday I try to see the funny side of things  and I take one day at a time .. So you are not alone in the way you feel ..

 

Have a blessed day !

Date Posted: 2/14/2008 9:24 PM ET
Member Since: 3/31/2006
Posts: 28,476
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Catherine, thanks.  You are definitely not alone in your feelings.

Date Posted: 2/15/2008 7:13 AM ET
Member Since: 12/4/2007
Posts: 652
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I know for sure thats self esteem issues I have the same I cant stand being in groups of people dont feel like I fit in or not worthy.. so force yourself!!! I dont need many friends just one or two....also look in your area for free groups Im sure you can find them there everywhere you got to get out there their not gone to come to you...theres always free lectures...I forced myself I changed my life around in other areas also was the hardest thing to do but its doable..IM an outgoing loving person but nobody knows it but me..really work it Im sure your qualitys will shine thruogh then you wont be able to get rid of people...good luck

                                                                                                          denise

Date Posted: 2/16/2008 5:42 PM ET
Member Since: 10/18/2007
Posts: 12,382
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Catherine~ One thing I've learned since my health has gone down hill in the past 7 years is that it seems like some people just don't like to be around sick people! Or, maybe it's just me. ;) I have been out of church for close to 4 months now and have only heard from my pastor and his wife and another guy who is a friend of my husband's. It's a small church and I know most of the people there are much busier than I am. (If someone goes grocery shopping, they're  a LOT busier than I am!) It wasn't until my husband, who is a diabetic, hurt his foot and began missing church services, too,  that we received a get well card. They're a loving bunch, but I'm a bit of a loner; always have been, so part of that is my fault. I didn't really hang out with any of them before I couldn't go to church, so why now? Plus, my best friend moved away, so that really put limitations on human contact. Actually, it's probably for the best, as I can't risk getting some "bug" and making myself sicker, that people are not here all of the time.

Now, I am not  complaining because I do know they pray for me. Plus, I know they care, but are busy. And I've been sick for so long, it's just old news at this point. Some might even think I'm just "skipping" church, but God knows, so that's all that matters to me. I am definitely not angry about it. In fact, it's a blessing that people are not calling or visiting all the time because it would be way too much for me.

I also know that I was never very good at letting people know I was praying for them when they were sick; I really have an aversion to using the phone. It's rare that I'll make a call on purpose just to talk. And now, with my breathing being so labored, it's next to impossible to talk for long. Once in awhile I have a good day and talk far too much to my best friend, for which I pay dearly later. ;)

You don't come across on the forums like a mean person, so that's not the case, I'm sure. People are just too busy, I think; sometimes careless, sometimes just plain ol' selfish. Even though we get along well with my M-I-L, we're usually the LAST to know what's going on in the family. On my side, we have no idea at all what's going on, if someone died, or is sick, or anything. We've been cut off because they don't like born-again Christians. What are you going to do? We don't force our beliefs on them, by any means.

Human nature is not necessarily kind. But I have found an abundance of kindness HERE! This is where I go to "get out of the house", since I can't really do it in "real life" that much.

You sound like a very likable person, as you have made a good friendship with your landlord. My friends are my husband and the friend I mentioned earlier. That's all I need! An abundance of friends doesn't always make "best" friends - know what I mean? Anyway, you're probably just too cool for that bunch who doesn't invite you to the bars with them. Who would want to make themselves look bad by havng someone as kind and loving as yourself around? Huh? You'd outshine them in a minute, I'm sure!!

 



Last Edited on: 2/16/08 7:54 PM ET - Total times edited: 1
T. -
Date Posted: 2/16/2008 6:31 PM ET
Member Since: 1/21/2007
Posts: 9,989
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Catherine, I like you.  You were one of the first people to be extremely nice to me on these forums when I joined last year.  I still remember!

I often feel isolated, alone, and forgotten.  Sometimes I just have to step outsideof my shyness and anxiety and FAKE being that extroverted, fun loving, laughing person.  After awhile I am really enjoying myself and I'm not faking it anymore---I'm really enjoying myself.  Sometimes it pays to be the aggressive one--be the one to initiate conversation/action.  Sure, you will be disappointed sometimes, and sometimes when I do that I end up feeling like an ass--but for the most part it works--and I get the companionship/attention that I am craving.

Never forget--humor works to break all barriers. 

Here's a big hug ((((((((((((((Catherine))))))))))))))))))))))

Date Posted: 2/16/2008 7:57 PM ET
Member Since: 10/18/2007
Posts: 12,382
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That lovely Tammy (posted above me here) is always making me laugh and has reminded, once again, I have LOTS of friends right here - and they're wonderful! Actual human contact isn't the only way to have friends.

Thanks, Tammy, for the reminder!



Last Edited on: 2/16/08 8:36 PM ET - Total times edited: 1
Date Posted: 2/16/2008 10:18 PM ET
Member Since: 3/31/2006
Posts: 28,476
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Ellen, what a wonderful outlook you have!  Being chronically ill myself and a reclusive, I find some times there are no opportunities to get out and make friends.  I don't drive and my walking is limited.  If I get out to the store, I probably will be screwed up the rest of the day pain wise.  I make a point to take Sierra out for her 2 walks a day.  She and I work at the same speed :)  But, it gets me out and in the fresh air.  It can be claustrophobic inside all the time especially in winter.

I don't know about Catherine, but I do find that I've found alot of kindred souls on the internet.  There are many home bound or semi-home bound folks who have alot to share but nowhere to go.  The internet really helps open up the world.

Date Posted: 2/17/2008 9:30 AM ET
Member Since: 6/27/2007
Posts: 1,070
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I often feel like that also.. And it helps to know that I can come in THIS forum to talk!
Date Posted: 4/17/2008 12:50 PM ET
Member Since: 2/12/2008
Posts: 617
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Wow I am so with you on that one. 

Many days, I think I am just obviously not worth any attention.  I thought I had 2 friends, but neither of them will even talk to me unless they need someone to entertain them.  Oh I used to have oodles and oodles of friends.  I was 19, had a hot car, was looking good, and had all the guys chasing me.  So in turn, all the girls wanted to hang out with me to have access to the guys.  Well when I stopped because I got engaged, suddenly the friends started thining out.  I wasn't trying to attract the opposite sex, so my job was done.  The friends dried up.

Well now years later, I had two friends.  Well like I said earlier, thought.  One would try to get back at her ex by making me mad at him all the time so I would rip into him for her.  When I quit doing that, she quit hanging out.  The other, I don't even know what happened.  last time I saw her we were at their house (her and her boyfriend)  she was talking about how I should finally get to have a birthday party.  She was talking to my hubby about it.  3 weeks ago I was sending her a text and she wouldn't answer.  So I called.  We were going to go over to thier house again.  She never answered.  I haven't talked to her since.  What a great friend.

I think in a way I have become jaded or something.  I really don't even try to have friends anymore.  Seems I am always a tool for something else and I am tired.  Tired of being a rung on the ladder.  So I have said screw em.  I have found many better friends online.  Mainly here.  Sure I don't have a deep friendship with any of them yet, but I don't care.  If someone talks to me, I talk to them.  I will bitch, cry and smile with anyone.  Mybe one day I will get a true blue friend (besides my sweet hubby!)  but until then I am trying to learn to be my own best friend.  After all many people will only listen if you treat yourself as someone who should be listened to.  It's hard work, but it will pay off.

Date Posted: 4/17/2008 7:28 PM ET
Member Since: 6/24/2007
Posts: 415
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I think what all of us here is talking about (myself included) is low self-esteem.  My qualities are great, like all of yours, funny, friendly, helpful, loyal and the list goes on.   

We are the only ones that can change that.  The people I talk to on a regular basis are my mom, my DH and the people here.  I can get out and do things and am physically able, thank God, but that doesn't mean it is easy to do.  I live in a VERY small town.  When I moved here I was commuting to school, my DH worked a LOT and I just really haven't met people.  On a country road it is hard to just meet people when taking a walk.  I tried to get involved with groups in the next town over and found nothing happening (not even book clubs, *gasp*) except church.  The church we tried just doesn't feel like it fits right.  We thought about trying another, but then DH started working Sundays, too.  My point here is that it is HARD to make friends no matter what the situation.

I used to go on the forum and think "Jane Doe"  really sems to be friendly and everyone likes her.  Why don't they seem to respond to me?  Then I realized, they don't even know me.  I haven't given them a chance.  I made a conscious decision to be heard more.  I still just read posts a lot, but I post more now, too.

My mom always told me that you will have lots of aquaintances in life and very few true friends.  I am definitely finding this to be the case.  I have decided that I am who I am.  Friends throughout my life have come and gone.  I really think in some ways I have outgrown them.  That's okay.  

I find none of you that have posted to be complainers, unfriendly, or bad people.  For the most part it is nice to keep things mostly upbeat.  Too much seriousness can get a person down after a while! 

So, even though you didn't ask for my opinion, here it is!!  Also, I challenge you to join me in writing down something good about yourself every day.  It takes about 9 good-job, atta-boy, pat-on-the-backs to counteract one negative.  I plan on putting down some for the good-job side.  And even though you may not know me well, trust me, it's all the truth!!  ;)

Sending you all hugs.

Date Posted: 4/17/2008 9:35 PM ET
Member Since: 4/11/2006
Posts: 830
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I feel everyone's emotional pain.  I have low self-esteem also, but ended up taking meds for depression and ADD.  Feeling a lot better now. Therapy helped, and so does journaling.  I find that when I take the time to write down my positive and negative feelings, I'm less apt to want to talk about them so much.  So the forums are good for people needing to vent a little.

I like Cindy's idea about writing down the good things in your life.  Also, when I'm feeling blue or sad about a relationship, I try to do something nice for the other person.  That takes my focus away from myself and makes me feel better.  Is there any way to volunteer, Catherine?  A children's hospital, reading books on tape for the blind, participating in Meals on Wheels, etc?  I always feel better when I stop to realize how many others have harder situations in life.

That said, I find it hard to get responses on the forums because I don't post much either, but I'm not taking it personally.  Many people, like Ellen, use this socially.  That's hard for me with working and keeping up with everything else life has to offer.  But I'll be thinking of everyone and hoping we all feel better.

 

Date Posted: 4/22/2008 8:37 PM ET
Member Since: 4/3/2008
Posts: 541
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I've been fighting esteem issues for as long as I can remember.

I've made a lot of progress the last 10 years, and I will share what I did, even though it sounds kind of goofy to describe it.

I longed to be the girl who lit up the room when she came in. I was not (still am not) that girl. But I got movies that had characters like that in them. Marilyn Monroe. Kate Hudson in Almost Famous. Meg Ryan in Prelude to a Kiss. Julia Roberts in any romantic comedy. Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge. I watched these movies, these characters, alone in my room. I practiced walking like them, moving like them, and pretended I was them when I was at home.

If you practice and pretend you have confidence for long enough, little by little it will increase your confidence.