OK, here's the thread to share your favorite eye-rolling, stomach churning, so brutally bad it makes you groan sex scenes. I'll start.

From the two Alan Savage books on Eleanor of Aquitaine,

"Albina had been appointed my governess following Mama's death.......Albina had never married, but she was definitely experienced. She it was who now undertook to instruct me in the business of being a woman and the duties of a wife. Well, I can't say I much cared for the second half of her schooling.......and proceeded to tell me the facts of life. Well! My first reaction was consternation, that anyone, and particularly any man, should be allowed - and apparently encouraged - to make as free with my body as Albina indicated and was demonstrating."

"As to the ways of myself or my maidservants, I was not in the least curious. Albina had taught me that our desires were mutual - in fact they were happy to tell me theirs, and their various means of satisfying them, in hopes of pleasing me - but however often we romped together our conversation always returned to the same subject, that of male codpieces and what might lie beneath them and what use may be made of such a remarkable apprutenance. As may be imagined, those of my attendants who actually claimed to possess personal acquaintance with such entrancing objects were in great demand, even if I was always uncertain as to whether they should be whipped for lying or wantonness."

And then there's the escapade with a young page (mind you, she's still 12/13 years old) that leaves a telling stain on her skirt and raises eyebrows in the laundry (think Monica Lewinski):

 

"I will let you put your hand beneath my gown if you will untie your codpiece."...... "he slipped his hand up my calf, carressed my knee, and moved it higher to my thigh.......I allowed Alfred full freedom, even to reach the silky down he was seeking.......he was full to bursting......"

Oh but we're not done yet, let's not forget the female bath attendants at Constantinople:

 

"I would be lying were I to claim that I did not feel a pang, several pangs, of alarm, when these girls began soaping my breasts and buttocks, sending their hands between my legs to arouse the most intense emotions. But I recalled the old saying that when in Rome...and Constantinople was far grander than Rome."

Her uncle Raymond (ya'll remember Deep Throat?):

"...my uncle knelt on the bed beside my shoulders, threw his other leg across me, and kneeling astride my breasts, allowed his weapon, huge and poised, to caress my face"

I'll spare you the rest. Whilst on crusade she encounters the twelve year old Saladin:

"Saladin had me on my knees like the veriest bitch. Indeed, had he commanded me, I would have barked. Perhaps I did."

Woof woof. On to Geoffrey of Anjou (oh my).

"Soon enough he was banging away again. Fortunately twice in rapid succession was sufficient even for the Angevin, at least in the short run...."

From seducing her husband's mistress Rosamund Clifford in the bath,

 

"...as she moved towards the steaming tub, pushing up her sleeve, added, "Not with your hand, girl. With your ass.'"

"My hand coursed up her thigh and over her left buttock, then moved up to her shoulder.........I brought my hand out of her hair and back to her shoulder, then slid it in front, down to her breast, to cup it and hold it, and gently pinch the nipple."

"...the fact that we had shared a bath, because after she had soaped me I had her in the tub on top of me, and as the water had flowed out our mutual desires had flowed in...."

"...and released the cord holding his hose. This promptly slipped about his ankles. Or certainly tried to do this. But it was impeded, and so, with dainty fingers, I helped it on its way........ And I realised that the entire business would have to be in my hands. Well, it was, most literally."

You guys are lucky, I've got a boring work afternoon and no chiefs looking over my shoulders. From The Conqueror by Kris Kennedy,

He slid a wicked hand under her waist and lifted her hips into his. Hot, sizzling spurts of fire burgeoned in her womb. More. She wanted more."

"He slid his hands over her hips, down to her trembling thighs. Pushing them ever so slightly apart, he slid his fingers up her inner thigh, until he hovered against the pink folds dripping with slippery juices."

Gag me. Onward,

"His confident fingers searched...."

Confident fingers. OK....

Hot, sizzling spurts of fire burgeoned in her womb.

If your uterus is on fire, that's probably an issue.  Should maybe go see a doctor.

Cathy, you're making me chuckle at work!  Must try to keep my giggles to a low volume.

I may never have sex again. Sorry, dear hubby, Misfit has melted my brain, plus I'm scared of getting a fiery uterus. I wonder if he had an STD......

LOL!

apprutenance?

OMG. I'm on the floor. I'm sure he meant "appurtenance" - a word I've only ever encountered in doing real property records research. What a hoot!

OK, Cathy, since you're on a role. How about a thread for the various ways one can describe appurtenances?

Is anyone else feeling a tad warm? LOL.

Just you wait, you haven't seen the quotes from That. Tudor.Vampire. Book. yet.

 ... If your uterus is on fire, that's probably an issue.  Should maybe go see a doctor. ...

Now that made me laugh! Very good, Erika! An issue indeed.

Kelly

I'm laughing out loud, and I don't want to explain to hubby why.  "Too long a story", says I.

But I actually like this: ' ... Indeed, had he commanded me, I would have barked. Perhaps I did."  At least it's humor--and not of the unintended kind.

I'd heard you mention "The Alan Savage book" before, but hadn't seen any quotes from it....

Wow.
 O__o

 Those Savage books were hard to hunt down on the cheap. I still have ot hunt down some quotes from the book her wrote on Margaret of Anjou. You ladies won't believe who she had sex with in that one. I challenge anyone to guess. And no, it's not R3.

Erika... If your uterus is on fire, that's probably an issue.  Should maybe go see a doctor. ...

And Valli ...I wonder if he had an STD......

You guys are hysterical!!!

I'm sorry, I don't know how I could read this stuff.......

Lemme take a wild stab (or three) at the Margaret of Anjou.....Elizabeth Woodville? Cecily Neville? Warwick?

You got one out of three although thank God that one wasn't described in detail, just aluded (sp?) to. Elizabeth Woodville. There's also the Queen of Scots that's quite priceless. Mind you now, in the Eleanor books she also had a *relationship* with the Empress Matilda.

BTW, I've never read the posting rules. Will quoting this stuff get me in trouble? Or are we all considered adults here?

From Queen of Lions by Alan Savage. Margaret with her lover Breze (a male lover for once),

"For Brezé had also served in the East, in his youth, and had long abandoned the Christian way of Love. Thus he made me kneel, my buttocks locked against his groin like some bitch on heat - but this I was, at that moment - while he seemed to impale me to my very stomach. All the while his hands were caressing my breasts until he took them away to grasp my hams until we shared a mutual explosion of joy - my second of the evening - in which I cried out my lubricious happiness and no doubt alarmed my ladies in the next room."

You ladies still haven't seen anything from the volcano of honey book. Just you wait

LOLlubriciousLOL

I just looked him up on UKAmazon...good lord, he's prolific! I see he's moved onto World War II and the French Resistance. Wonder if he's up to the same WTF shenanigans?

I love that the artist used Catherine Deneuve for a cover.

That reminds me of the early Bertrice Small covers done by Elaine Duillo. I was able to pick out Charlton Heston....Conrad Veidt....Claude Rains....Mick Jagger (I'm positive!)

to grasp my hams    Oh heavens my sides hurt or should I say my bacon?

Sorry I am making you gals laugh. Not. I have a review to write but I'll be back later with *something* from the volcano of honey book. These are priceless, so I'll dribble (pun intended) them out slowly.

BTW, I've never read the posting rules. Will quoting this stuff get me in trouble? Or are we all considered adults here?

Misfit, I'd say this would not get you into trouble. You aren't using profanity and the rules even state that the membership here is adult and may use adult language.  Of course, this is just my opinion and you know how much those are worth! ;-)

Now, on to more important things... Where, exactly, would I find my hams?

"He increased his pace until her moans filled the chamber. The glossy elixir of her body bathed his fingers, and he knew that she was fast approaching her peak.....As his fingers and wiggled inside of her, her body began to shake with spasm after spasm of jolting pleasure.....her buttocks lifted, her hidden corridor sealing to his fingers, pulsing and brimming over with a hot lather."
 

Just found a review for an "erotic historical" - Patience by Lisa Valdez. Methinks I'll give it a pass.

Snippet from review:

The hero Matthew deeply appreciates Patience's skills at fellatio, so much so, his release is much like the "fiery waters of the river Styx, his cum was a fierce and flowing tide." And as his river floweth, Patience "found her rapture while drinking voraciously of the virile communication he fed her."

Good Gawd, y'all. And it took her 5 years to write it??

ETA: And it looks like the first book Valdez wrote had its own brand of speshul, too. From another review, referring to that book:

I'm not certain what astounded me the most: the number of times the main protagonists would couple behind a screen in the Crystal Palace during the World's Fair or the length of Mark's member which was so tremendous that it actually rearranged organs inside the heroine's reproductive area. I cannot think of Passion without humming the tune to "Break On Through to the Other Side."

No words!

I am speechless as well. Who reads this stuff -- and why?????

This is beyond bad. Beyond the volcano of honey book. Which reminds me I never gave you ladies anything from that did I?

One of these days I will have to get the sex with trees book out from the library and see if I can cull something from it for you. Maybe.

That's just gross.