three shots of alcohol held in my stomach and pumped softly into the rest of my body through my veins and bloodstream; my body, a miraculous machine. the effects i feel do not add up at all. gridlock thoughts in my mind, once so perfect to watch, now destruction on their highway. notions i perceived from glances are making my head turn. the feelings i have with her are that of making love on the weekend at our summer home in the winter.
it's only depression if i choose to accept that i can feel. they gave me a pill to replace my heart like a better updated type of battery. in my sleep last night i watched my life play-back in reverse until i was shoved back into my mother's vaginal canal & kept safe in her womb. still thoughts of her fill me like the yellow substance that oozes from a staff infection.
church bells ring as i run in the other direction just to find myself at the very steps i was trying to evade. memories of us running through wheat fields up-hill, sweet precious memories. memories of me licking her nicotine infected sweat from the small of her back, fleshly delicious memories. i want to question G-d but i am afraid of the answers he'll give me.
i see the bottle on the ground, maybe if i chase the liquid she'll reappear, pull up in our driveway and accidentally lock her keys in the vehicle, i would not be mad this time i promise. i would lock her in the house and draw the blinds and keep her safe within the walls of our home.
sadness oppresses this home. she is in every drinking glass, every fiber of dust that floats through the light-rays of the sun beaming through the blinds. such a mangled execution, stepping up to the edge of the earth i want to jump and disconnect from the world and float away. suffocate and freeze in the empty vastness of space. images of her head dangling on a thread of flesh from her neck haunt me. beauty's dead, the world tilts back and empties it self of all the good it had.
why did she have to die?
the sums don't add up at all.

Answer: make a plan

The Eclectic Pen - Question: how do you make god laugh?

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