The Eclectic Pen - Sick House -WIP Part 1-


By: Sky S. (Misa-Misa)   + 20 more  
Date Submitted: 10/12/2009
Genre: Horror
Words: 669
Rating:


  Here is another part to the same world of St. Mary's Home for the Mentally Disturbed. This is a prequel to that section of the story, and should be treated as such. Please comment or PM me with your critiques or applause [depending on what you think]. Thank you!
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Light flickered in the sterile hallways as a form silently slipped down the linoleum. It was heading for an empty room somewhere in the bright and clean building. One of its arms hung limp at its side and a light gaseous fluid drained from a gaping hole in its head. Hissing, a viscous lump, about the size of a human heart, dislodged itself from the things throat and launched into the air. It swung an elongated arm with three joints up and caught the glob, pressing it into its head. A long rattling breath escaped from the maw that made its mouth. The rancid odour that followed was stifling in the small room. The creature had no nose though, and thusly could not perceive the foul smell.
A whimper was released from the corner of the room, indicating that something else was occupying it. Slowly drifting towards the mewling human, the creature raised its large claw, and brought it down gently, almost lovingly onto the head of the man. It sunk in leaving no wound and the thing extracted a long red strand of something from the head. As it pushed the strand into its unused arm, it let out a sound that could have been mistaken for a sigh, and suddenly the battered appearance changed. It was still a vile thing, but it had a defined shape to it now, more than a mass of arms and head.
It turned and left the room, the shuddering body of the man whom it had extracted something from behind. A sudden sharp beep rang through the silent halls and nurses rushed by. None noticed the tall form that floated among them. Silver strands of hair attached themselves to the people passing by, but not a one of them remained stuck to them. A long tongue slithered out of the hole in its face testing the air around it, much like a snake would. Sensing something it pivoted to an open door to a room, within which lay a small boy riddled with tubes and machines. The boy stared at him, and the breath that was being manually forced into his body began to move faster, as did the echocardiograms steady beat.
Widening the opening of its mouth in what was probably a grin, the creature moved forward towards the boy. It held up its left hand and began to lay it gently against the child’s forehead. Instead of sinking in though, it stayed on his head and began to gore his light hair and skin with red welts. Swiftly removing its talon from the boy, it spoke in a low voice.
Whhhaatt.. isss.. your.. name, chiiild?
The voice that erupted from its throat was little more than a whisper, but it filled the room with harsh sound. The whirring and clicking, the beeping and rasping, all was muted by the slight noise that the thing made. The boy struggled to reply, which he found hard to do with all of the machines that were attached to his body, monitoring his every move.
“I… name… Alex…”
The three words came out in short gasps between when the machine regulated his airflow. He shivered, not out of cold or fright, but exhaustion, and closed his eyes. The fluttering of eyelids was all that the creature could see of the still form on the bed. Standing in the room for a time, it waited to see if the child would once again respond, and when it received no answer it tried to remove the thread that it wanted. Again it was thwarted by the boys’ sheer will to live, and so it left the room to seek out easier prey than this. Over time it would wear this small human, Alex, down.


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Comments 1 to 4 of 4
Kenjii H. (Daalmonette) - , - 10/12/2009 7:00 PM ET
Another great addition. "The Sickness" would be a good title. Something reflecting the ailment/illness of the resident instead of the place, if you want to focus on what brought them to St.Mary's, since this is a prequel.
Sky S. (Misa-Misa) - 10/12/2009 10:16 PM ET
True, It's a rough copy so, I can fix anything if people find faults with it.
Jesse (EddyKrueger) - 10/13/2009 2:37 AM ET
First of all, the style of this piece is alot more gorier in a way, which is awesome. I also like how you're showing Alex when he was a child. Since he too was in a hospital for a long time, maybe that's why he understands the patients at St. Mary's so well. You're kicking ass Sky. Good job
Jade M. (jade1313) - 10/14/2009 3:49 PM ET
I do like this style of writing and you seem like youre off to a good start. The only thing that I would suggest, is that the different parts are too choppy. It doesnt seem like they go together, like its missing something. It left me feeling like I missed a whole part or two. I sat and read all the parts at one time and going from part one to part two and so on didnt run together as smoothly as I think it should have. Other than that, its a great piece, something that could have the potential to be published!! Continue on with the story, just try to fill in some more details and when you start a new section of the story, pick up where you left off.
Comments 1 to 4 of 4