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Topic: Thought I'd share this with all of you

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Subject: Thought I'd share this with all of you
Date Posted: 10/3/2011 1:56 PM ET
Member Since: 5/3/2008
Posts: 10,937
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I sent this to Letty and after thinking about it, I figured that some of you might get a kick out of it too!








To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth  II




In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves, and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA, and therefore not being able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.


Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy)


Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.


Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.


To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:




1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.'  Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters,  and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'  Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (Please look up 'vocabulary').


2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like” and “you know” and “uh” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S.English. We will let Microsoftknow on your behalf.  The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of  '-ize.'


3. July 4th will no longer celebrated as a holiday.


4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.  The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.  Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.  If you can't sort things out without suing someone, or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.


5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler, although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public


6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.  At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.   Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.


7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon.  Get used to it.


8. You will learn to make real chips.  Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.  Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup (you call it ketchup) but with vinegar.


9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of  known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.  New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth, and it can only be due to the beer.  They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.  American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.  Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.


11. You will cease playing American football.  There are only two kinds of proper football: one you call soccer,and the other you call rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders).  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds, or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).


12. Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.  Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.  You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.


13. You must tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving us mad.


14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).


15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes, plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.



Date Posted: 10/3/2011 1:59 PM ET
Member Since: 3/8/2009
Posts: 6,035
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Hey, I'm all for instituting tea time!

Date Posted: 10/3/2011 2:01 PM ET
Member Since: 6/5/2007
Posts: 2,513
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Date Posted: 10/3/2011 2:03 PM ET
Member Since: 5/3/2008
Posts: 10,937
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My apologies to all of you in Kansas - I didn't write this, I just copied it! wink

Date Posted: 10/3/2011 4:48 PM ET
Member Since: 3/14/2009
Posts: 9,178
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Date Posted: 10/3/2011 5:04 PM ET
Member Since: 7/22/2009
Posts: 2,617
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We found that quite amusing -- thanks for sharing!

Date Posted: 10/3/2011 5:09 PM ET
Member Since: 5/3/2008
Posts: 10,937
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We found that quite amusing


Yep, You sound like the royalty Deb!!!

Date Posted: 10/3/2011 7:14 PM ET
Member Since: 3/23/2008
Posts: 2,581
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That was highly humorous, now I must pop off to have high tea with the entire New Zealand rugby team and colourise my entire wardrobe surprise

Date Posted: 10/3/2011 7:39 PM ET
Member Since: 5/3/2008
Posts: 10,937
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Glad to see you have the "u" issue down pat Cheryl! wink

Date Posted: 10/4/2011 12:09 PM ET
Member Since: 7/7/2007
Posts: 4,815
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That's ok -- we Kansans are quite content to be on our own here with the cows devil

Date Posted: 10/4/2011 4:05 PM ET
Member Since: 7/13/2005
Posts: 5,201
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That has been around for a long time - I frst saw it after the presidential election in 2000 when the winner was not determined for a couple months.  Someone has just changed the first line and the name of the Prime Minister.  (Oh and the dig at Andie MacDowell - obviously Her Majesty did not actually view the film Four Weddings and a Funeral because it was mentioned more than once in the film, by her character, that she was an American living in England.  So no British accent, real or contrived was needed.)