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Topic: I want off this emotional roller coaster

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Subject: I want off this emotional roller coaster
Date Posted: 3/4/2008 1:42 PM ET
Member Since: 8/23/2007
Posts: 26,510
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So I've posted about my marital problems.  So I'm not going to rehash all of that.  I don't want a divorce but this up and down thing is making my physically ill. 

On Friday he had a work "mandatory fun" function.  Anyone military will know what I mean.  I was invited but my daughter had a dance at school. I also wasn't up for doing the "happy couple dance" for his boss and the other officers.  So I took DD to the dance.  He came home around 11:30.  No fighting.  I had already warned him not to start anything with me when he came home.  We did talk a long time though. He told me he missed me.  I had not been talking to him much.  Not intentionally to ignore him but to keep from getting myself upset.  He said I was his best friend.  He's ashamed of what he said to me and how he feels about my weight.  We talked a long time. I had hope that we were going to be able to work things out.  Sat, Sun and Mon went pretty smoothly. We watched some tv and ate dinners together.  We even joked a little and I had hope. 

I have a house to get on the market. It's small and the realtor said to put as much into storage as we can so the house doesn't look cramped.  The dining room is really small and she suggested we remove a china cabinet to make the space look bigger.  So yesterday I started packing up some stuff from the cabinet. So this morning he starts in on me, in front of the kids I babysit.  He wants to know what I'm packing where and what he wants. He's worried I'm going to hide the stuff he brought back from Japan from him.  (these were gifts for me btw) Like we need to divide the property up now.  Ugh. so there goes my hope. 

I think he's going through Manapause.  I took my wedding rings off today. I want to stay married so I don't know why I did it.  I won't start dating or looking for someone else until I know there's no more hope for us.  But they are just painful to look at right now and I feel as if they weigh 100 lbs on me.  If that makes any sense at all. 

My mother wants me to come live with her in Mass.  But I think the best thing is for my daughter and I to get into that house in Virginia.  We have alot of equity in it and it would be perfect for doing home daycare.  Also there is Navy there for the commissary and medical for my daughter and me for while we're married. It'll only be 4hrs from him so we can visit on weekends and holidays.  Mass I think would be too far as tempting as it is to be near family.

Thanks for listening.


Date Posted: 3/4/2008 1:52 PM ET
Member Since: 7/31/2006
Posts: 14,634
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I'm so sorry Mary. It does sound like something's going on with him that has nothing to do with you though. some kind of menopause or career crisis or just seeing his friend's life crater that's set him off...

Date Posted: 3/4/2008 2:08 PM ET
Member Since: 1/11/2007
Posts: 1,646
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I've got a good recommendation for you.  Go to a good health food store and ask for L-theanine, 100 mg.  It's a non-protein amino acid from green tea.  (Whole Foods has it.) In addition to making you as calm as Xanax, it lowers BP (only if it's high) and protects your brain in case of stroke.

Everyone I've recommended it to loves it.  It's miraculous.  My parents, hubby, brother, friends all use it.  No side effects.  Doesn't make you sleepy, just calm in a sort of pleasant zen-like state.  Effects last about 8 hours.  I take them for insomnia too.  If one doesn't do enough you can take 2 or even 3 with not ill effects.  You don't get groggy either.   Won't make your problems go away, but will make you feel calmer and better able to deal with them.

I'm the herbal queen. 


Here's the monograph from the natural medicines database (somethings docs use):

        Patient Handout
  View Products Containing: THEANINE
 Also Known As: return to top
Gamma-glutamylethylamide, L-theanine.
CAUTION: See separate listings for Green Tea and Threonine.
 Scientific Name: return to top
 People Use This For: return to top
Orally, theanine is used for anxiety, Alzheimer's disease, hypertension, and enhancing the effects of chemotherapy drugs.
 Safety: return to top
POSSIBLY SAFE ...when used orally, short-term. There is some evidence that theanine 200 mg can be safely used when given once a week for 3 weeks (12188).
PREGNANCY AND LACTATION: Insufficient reliable information available; avoid using.
 Effectiveness: return to top
Anxiety. Preliminary evidence suggests that taking theanine 200 mg might induce subjective feelings of tranquility in healthy people. But theanine does not seem to reduce experimentally induced anticipatory anxiety (12188). More evidence is needed to rate theanine for this use.
 Mechanism of Action: return to top
Theanine is the major amino acid found in green tea. Green tea contains 1% to 3% theanine (7685,7690). Theanine is also found in some mushrooms (12188).
Theanine has historically been used for it's relaxing and anti-anxiety effects. It's thought that theanine might work for anxiety by increasing levels of GABA and serotonin (12188).
There is interest in using theanine for dementia. Theanine is an analog of glutamate, which is an excitatory neurotransmitter. Levels of glutamate increase and cause neuronal death during periods of cerebral ischemia. Theanine demonstrates a protective effect by decreasing ischemic neuronal death in the forebrains of animal models (7685). The antagonistic effects of theanine on glutamate and N-methyl-D-aspartate (NMDA) receptors might provide neuroprotection (7685).
There is also interest in using theanine for hypertension. Theanine affects catecholamines that can cause vasoconstriction and lead to elevations in blood pressure. In animal models, theanine decreases norepinephrine levels (7686), decreases systolic and diastolic blood pressure (7687), and suppresses the stimulatory effects of caffeine (7685,8665). However, there is also some evidence theanine might induce an excitatory effect when used in very small doses, suggesting the effects of theanine are dose dependent (8665).
Green tea might prevent atherosclerosis by inhibiting the proliferation of smooth muscle cells in blood vessel walls, but theanine doesn't seem to affect smooth muscle (8666). Additionally, there is evidence that suggests theanine might prevent the development of atherosclerosis by inhibiting lipid peroxidation of low-density lipoproteins (LDL) (8667).
There is also interest in using theanine adjunctively for cancer. In studies involving doxorubicin, theanine increases the concentration of doxorubicin and adriamycin in tumors by blocking efflux of the drug from tumor cells (7688,7690,8668,8669). Theanine seems to enhance the effects of doxorubicin and adriamycin on drug sensitive and multi-drug resistant tumors (7688,8668,8669). Theanine may also enhance the suppressive action of doxorubicin on metastatic tumors (8312). Theanine also inhibits the efflux of idarubicin from leukemia cells in animal models (7689). Additionally, theanine seems to decrease the toxicity of idarubicin by reversing adverse effects on leukocytes and bone marrow cells (7689).
There is also some evidence that theanine might decrease serotonin and 5-hydroxyindole acetic acid (5HIAA) concentrations in the brain. Theanine might enhance the degradation of serotonin, and it might also directly inhibit the enzyme responsible for serotonin synthesis (8670).
Animal research suggests theanine may act synergistically with caffeine and other constituents in green tea to cause weight loss (11960).
 Adverse Reactions: return to top
None reported.
 Interactions with Herbs & Supplements: return to top
None known.
 Interactions with Drugs: return to top
Interaction Rating = Moderate Be cautious with this combination
Severity = Moderate • Occurrence = Possible • Level of Evidence = D
Theoretically, concomitant use of theanine might potentiate the activity of antihypertensive medications (7687).
Interaction Rating = Moderate Be cautious with this combination
Severity = Moderate • Occurrence = Possible • Level of Evidence = D
Theoretically, concomitant use of theanine might decrease the effects of stimulant drugs such as caffeine (7685,7686).
 Interactions with Foods: return to top
None known.
 Interactions with Lab Tests: return to top
None known.
 Interactions with Diseases or Conditions: return to top
None known.
 Dosage/Administration: return to top
ORAL: For anxiety, theanine 200 mg/day has been used (12188).
 Editor's Comments: return to top

Last Edited on: 3/4/08 2:21 PM ET - Total times edited: 3
Date Posted: 3/4/2008 3:23 PM ET
Member Since: 8/9/2007
Posts: 4,058
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Oh, cool, Claudia.  I'm going to get some of that.  I'll ask my sister about it - she manages a Vitamin World store, and I'm sure they have it.  We have Whole Foods here too.  I have insomnia and high BP both, and as far as nerves go, two teenaged boys, so you can imagine...

Mary, I wonder sometimes on that seesaw behavior if it's not idiotic men in general.  My hubby does the same thing in different ways.  He'll think about something that bothers him or he'd like to see changed, and then makes up his mind on what needs to be done to change it.  As with most things he "decides" on though, he still has to run them past me and the two of us agree on them together.  This usually comes up in the context of the kids, or finances - we get along pretty well and always have - but still, we'll decide together, after talking it to death, on a course of action, and then a week or two later, he comes back with some smart comment, or there'll be some sort of discussion about why I haven't done his "something" we supposedly agreed upon last week.  Frankly, I think it's in their genes.  They're so used to thinking they're always right, it slips their minds sometimes that you might have had a differing opinion, or your way might have been the better way.  That's not to trivialize what you're going through however.  My first instinct about this guy was that he's a weenie and you need to kick him to the curb, and I usually have pretty good instincts..:P  Big hugs, sweetie.

Date Posted: 3/4/2008 3:25 PM ET
Member Since: 11/29/2005
Posts: 953
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I'm so sorry to hear about your issues at home. I have been through some heavy duty ups and downs in my marriage (number two for me) and it sure makes life tough. There seems to be a tarnish on everything when we aren't getting along. AJ is my best friend too so it made it even harder. Time helped us to get over the angry words and I spent a lot of time trying to imagine life without him. It wasn't something I wanted to experience at that time so I started seeing a therapist and tried to find the good in us.

I hope you find the path that works right for you.  You have a great sounding board here, I'm sure, if you want it. :)


Date Posted: 3/4/2008 3:41 PM ET
Member Since: 2/24/2006
Posts: 5,498
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Mary, is seeing a counselor even a option?  Maybe if someone outside the marriage could help him analyze his weird emotions, things could get back on track for you.


Date Posted: 3/4/2008 5:20 PM ET
Member Since: 8/23/2007
Posts: 26,510
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I suggested a marriage counselor and he wasn't interested.  After the move I'm going to get myself and my daughter in conselling. I don't want to start it now and then have to start with a new counselor in a few months.  I think he's depressed. But he's one of those, you deal with these things yourself not w/Drs or medications type people.  I think he's going to miss when we're living apart and he better hope he hasn't pushed me so far away that I don't decide I'm better of with out him.  Because really he is a great guy. He just has some issues right now. I don't want everyone to think he's this horrible evil person because he isn't. 

Date Posted: 3/4/2008 5:29 PM ET
Member Since: 3/11/2006
Posts: 173
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I'm sorry to hear about your problems. 

I've had marriage problems for a few years, with DH threatening to leave a few times, counseling, etc.  One of the big problems i had was that all of my friends were what I call 'pro-divorce'; they all viewed divorce as an acceptable options.  Personally, I didn't then, and I still don't think divorce is an option, especially while the kids are minors.  But anyway, I really struggled more because I had noone to vent to who supported me in trying to work things out.  They all encouraged me to leave, telling me the kids will be fine, "they'll adapt", etc.  This is just to say that if you want to make it work, and you are willing to put the time in, and you don't think divorce is an option, don't let friends, family or others change your mind. 

Even though I did not want to divorce, with DH threatening to divorce I did take steps to protect myself - I talked to an attorney, I drove across state lines and opened an PO box and an bank account and hid away $7,000 to make sure I could pay bills if he drained our joint accounts.  That was 18 months ago, and so far we seem to be working things out.  I don't want a divorce, but I have to be able to protect my kids if necessary. You should think about doing the same. 



Date Posted: 3/4/2008 5:54 PM ET
Member Since: 12/8/2006
Posts: 29,785
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It almost sounds as if he has Bi-Polar disorder... seriously. My best friend's husband has it and he does a LOT of the same things. Everything is her fault and he is the hurt party, and so on. When her DH is on his meds, he's a great guy, a loving husband and father, but without medical insurance, the medications get put on the back burner... and in the end, so does their marriage.

And they say the women are the wishy-washy ones!

And if you do split, Mary... you do what's best for you and your daughter...

Date Posted: 3/4/2008 6:11 PM ET
Member Since: 8/25/2007
Posts: 13,134
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Eileen, I was going to mention that same thing. However, in my professional and personal experiences, getting a man to even consider that possibility is damn near impossible.  Add in the fact that Mary's husband is in the military, I'd say there'd be no way. 

Take care of yourself and your daughter, Mary, and let everything else fall as it will. 

Date Posted: 3/4/2008 6:24 PM ET
Member Since: 1/11/2007
Posts: 1,646
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Just a suggestion-- you could get some short term crisis intervention therapy before you move.  Usually community mental health will have this for free or very low cost.  I did it twice through our EAP and it was enormously helpful both times!  I wonder if hubby is having emotional problems himself and that's why he's driving you crazy?  I wasn't diagnosed with bipolar until age 35.  Or maybe it's just MANOPAUSE.  He should have his testosterone checked.  Makes them crazy if it's out of whack.  Doc needs to check "free testosterone" levels.

Last Edited on: 3/6/08 8:02 AM ET - Total times edited: 2
Date Posted: 3/5/2008 4:57 PM ET
Member Since: 1/11/2007
Posts: 1,646
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My hubby will get in a mood for a few days and be hyper-critical and nasty and then (for no reason at all) he seems to snap out of it.  I think it's male hormones or something. 

Although he always blames his moods on me, in reality I don't think I have anything to do with it since it often happens when we've been getting along especially well for a time.  A (male) therapist once suggested that he might feel he was getting too close to me and be trying to distance himself emotionally. 


Men--can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em. 

Last Edited on: 3/5/08 5:01 PM ET - Total times edited: 3