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Topic: Whaddaya think?

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Subject: Whaddaya think?
Date Posted: 6/29/2012 10:40 PM ET
Member Since: 6/24/2012
Posts: 7
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I'm new here, but my biggest dream has always been to be a published writer. I'm working on a fictious trilogy right now, and I'm in the rewriting stage. 

Anyway, this is an excerpt from the middle of the first book. The young, beautiful princess has fallen for an impulsive, somewhat reckless (though good at heart) character. They have both fallen into the hands of the king of an opposing country, who wishes to control the princess's kingdom. Now he is trying to manipulate Anne by using the man she loves.

  This time the guard left a lantern burning. By order or his own negligence, Anne didn't know, but the warm light was like a lifeline to her shattered emotions.

  As was her surprise at seeing Nolan Cabaret.

  They placed him in the cell directly across from her, leaving the light burning between them. He gripped the bars, staring into her face. "Anne, are you okay?" he demanded fiercely. When she spoke her voice was dry and cracked. "I...I think so. W-what are you doing here?"

  "Well...I was coming to rescue you," he admitted, embarrassed.

  A tiny smile tugged at the corners of her dry lips. "Good job," she whispered.

  Nolan turned red. "Yeah, well, at least you've got company now."
  Her faint smile faded altogther. "G-great. I never liked the i-idea of dying alone."

  "We're not going to die down here," he insisted.

  "Now that's entirely up to you," Edgar said from somewhere in the shadows. Nolan didn't miss the way Anne started in fear. His jaw tightened.He didn't know what they'd done to her, but somehow he would make them pay for it.

  "What do you mean?" he asked evenly, refusing to allow himself to be intimidated.

  Edgar stepped into the circle of light created by the lantern. "I mean that Anne has a choice."

  He saw her head come up. "What choice?" she asked weakly.

  "Do you wish Nolan to go free, and your parents to live?"
  Nolan drew himself tighter against the bars. He didn't like where this was going...

  "You know I do," Anne whispered hoarsely.

  "Then marry me," Edgar said simply.

  Nolan's first impression about this conversation had been entirely correct. "No..." he hissed.

  But Edgar continued smoothly, ignoring Nolan. "If you marry me, he'll go free. Your parents will live. And you will be queen and rule by my side. You see, I have no heirs. So we will both benefit from this...arrangement."
  Anne's first response was an immediate no, but as she looked at Nolan, and thought of everyone she loved most, she knew what she had to do.

  The lives of the three most important people in her life hung in the balance, and it was up to her to stand in the gap.

  She looked straight into his dark, chilling eyes, and shuddered at the dark soul those eyes revealed.

  For a moment she wavered. But only for a moment.

  Against her heart, her soul, and everything she'd ever wanted, Anne Brisban said yes.



If you are interested in reading more, go to The Eclectic Pen (under the Community tab). The title is Forsaken.

Last Edited on: 7/4/12 12:45 PM ET - Total times edited: 2
Date Posted: 7/1/2012 4:09 PM ET
Member Since: 9/8/2010
Posts: 40
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Don't worry, threads move really slowly here. Sometimes it'll be days before anyone responds.

It's not bad, needs some editing, but you said you were working on that, so that's good. That's one of the biggest problems I see, is that some people don't understand the importance of editing, and you've got that covered.

I can't comment on your plot from this excerpt, I don't know enough about it. I'm guessing Anne is the protagonist, Nolen the love interest, and Edgar the antagonist. From what I've seen, he seems like a pretty "good" bad guy.

You can PM me with a longer excerpt for more feedback if you want, and I'll keep posting any general advice and book recommendations I can think of.

My dream is to get published too :)


Last Edited on: 7/1/12 8:30 PM ET - Total times edited: 1
Subject: Re: Whaddaya think?
Date Posted: 7/2/2012 10:49 PM ET
Member Since: 3/12/2007
Posts: 5
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You have a good basic premise, and I love your sentence style--very readable.  

However, in this particular scene, the plot, characters, and dialogue were all... well, predictable.  When you described the scene and characters, before I even began reading the passage itself, I already suspected where it was headed, and I was exactly right--so by the time I reached the end, I wasn't intrigued enough to wonder what happens next.  (I was at first a little interested by what I thought was Anne's stutter--how might that affect a lovely princess' choices and her self-image?--but realized as I read further that it was only a result of her parched throat, rather than a quirk.)  It may be that you have a lot of really good, intriguing plot twists in your story, but this particular piece doesn't show it. 

Still, I think if you have (or add) some fascinating elements to your plot, and/or at least one of your main characters has some curious idiosyncracy or character flaw that affects their outlook or behavior, it could be a really excellent story. 

You do write very well.  Keep it up, and I'll look forward to reading your books when they're published!