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Topic: What do you think of my story?

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Subject: What do you think of my story?
Date Posted: 12/25/2011 8:51 PM ET
Member Since: 12/5/2011
Posts: 3
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This is a small section from a book that I am currently writing.

The door creaks softly as I walk into the house, I take small, cautious steps towards the glowing stone. I can see it on a marble statue, dread fills me to the brim and I almost run right then and there. Outside I can still hear the old Willow tree, whispering mumbled words, a death sentence. I hear a scream... a small girl's scream...Kara. I see a soft orange light coming from the door across the hall and I can just sense that Kara is in there. I dive in.

I see fire surrounding me, trying to lick my skin. The fire burns me and it takes all of my strength not to cry out. The fire provides the only light in the room, but it is enough for me to see Kara, huddled into a corner with a gag around her neck that must have slipped from her mouth. Her hair is a mess and her arms and legs are bound by a rough cord that is biting into her pale skin so hard that she's bleeding. Her face is white and her eyes are filled with fear, but I see the smallest glimmer of hope enter them when she sees me but it but it quickly disappears. I begin to run toward her but I've only gone a few steps when a dreadful smelling cloth is stuffed in front of my face and I begin to fall. I try to stay awake but after a few hagard breaths, I slip into my own nightmarish dreamland... The whispering Willows, I can see them swaying in the wind and as I walk closer I can hear them whispering the secrets of the dead, I try to get closer but a wall of darkness suddenly surrounds me and I know that I'm dreaming... I have to be, right?

 what do you think? keep going or just stop? this is just a small section of my story.



Last Edited on: 12/26/11 4:26 PM ET - Total times edited: 2
Date Posted: 12/26/2011 1:34 PM ET
Member Since: 10/13/2007
Posts: 36,445
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Honestly, the first part needs to be reworked. A better sense of where she has walked into, would help. Is she in a house or a room?

Fire trying to force itself down her throat, and she is not being burned? Not feeling the heat? Is the fire the only light in the room, which would also be reflected in the girls eyes. 
 

And no I'd never tell anyone to not write, this just needs some work. Work which all writers have to do at some point after their first draft. And I am gathering that the piece above aren't the start of the story where the main character is explained or why she is where she is.

Date Posted: 12/26/2011 4:25 PM ET
Member Since: 12/5/2011
Posts: 3
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thankx xen! I'm fixing it up!

You're right, this is about the middle of the story since I just wanted to hear another person's opinion!

thanks again!