|My Foreign Policy in a Nutshell, by Uncle Sam, as told to Nora Freeman
I. The War in Afghanistan in a Nutshell
I have a neighbor who is a terribly bad guy, called Afghanistan. I can't stand the way he treats his multiple wives, his kids, or anyone else. I admit that there was a time when we used to hang out, did deals for our mutual benefit. And it's true that I knew all about him even then, even though at the time I told everyone he was one of my best buddies and a close and important ally against a really big bad guy that we both hated. Anyway, that was over 30 years ago, so it's ancient history and who cares now, right?
Anyway, a few years ago some people killed a whole bunch of my relatives. Nobody has the right to do that to me or mine. It’s especially annoying because they also killed themselves in the process so I can’t get even with them. But I think Afghanistan had something to do with it. So here’s what I’ve been doing about it: I went to his house with my Second Amendment-guaranteed assault weapon and I’ve been blasting anyone who happens to be there into kingdom come ever since. It’s the only way to get him to start behaving like a civilized person, but it doesn’t seem to be working, even though I iced his big boss who dreamed up the whole kill-a-whole-bunch-of-my-relatives deal. I was such a hero! He was a pathetic old man with kidney disease. I broke into his house and blew him away even though he wasn’t even armed. I don’t need no stinkin warrant! Since he didn’t resist I told everyone that he posed as a woman because I can’t have the neighbors thinking I’m as nasty as him. Now I keep talking about how I’m going to have to leave Afghanistan alone but I just can’t tear myself away.
II. The War in Iraq in a Nutshell
I had another neighbor who was also a really bad guy. This one was called Iraq. He was horribly mean and violent to everyone close to him. He even killed a whole bunch of his own family with some disgusting filthy weapons I gave him. Whoops! I didn’t say a word about it then. Hey, you can’t get to everything! Everyone knew about him for years, but they all closed their eyes to it because they wanted to continue doing business with him. So did I; in fact I supplied him with even more mass-death weapons because he hated his cousin Iran, who I also hated [and still do], and he started a massively bloody feud with his cousin. Oh, that was great! But hey, it was more than 20 years ago, so it’s also ancient history and nobody cares anymore.
But now everything is different. After those people I told you about before killed all those relatives of mine I’ve just been going nuts. It was obvious that Iraq masterminded the whole thing, even though all my friends from the Old Europe section of town told me I was crazy to think so. Also, don’t forget, I gave him all those weapons. And he used them to kill a whole bunch of HIS OWN FAMILY! I’m sure that he only continued to get more and more of those horrible weapons, even though my friends and I had our feet planted pretty firmly on his neck for years. Well, based on information I extracted under torture from some poor slobs who may or may not know him or anything about him, but they kind of look like him, probably speak the same language, and may even practice the same menacing religion, I managed to make a case for it at least to myself and a “coalition” of neighbors that I bribed and blackmailed to go along with me. Anyway, even if he didn’t do it, he did a lot of other nasty things. So, I had him rubbed out, along with a whole bunch of his relatives, and got all the ones who survived fighting with each other. But I still don’t feel safe! Maybe soon I’ll be moving on to his cousin.
III. Possible War with Iran in a Nutshell
Remember Iraq’s cousin Iran? In 1979, he utterly humiliated me and I’ve hated him ever since. He keeps saying that that incident had something to do with me bullying him back in 1953. What the hell is he talking about! I don’t bully anyone, I only spread sweetness and light wherever I go. Just ask my friends Hiroshima, Nagasaki, Korea, Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, Indonesia, Argentina, Chile, El Salvador, Nicaragua, Guatemala, Panama, Grenada, Mexico, Haiti, Somalia, Cuba, Angola, or Mozambique [there might be more but who can keep track]. Anyway, Iran should like me because during the long bloody feud, while I was giving weapons to Iraq, I was also secretly selling weapons to him [and then secretly using the money to buy illegal weapons for another feud, in another part of town, but that’s another story]. A stroke of genius! That way, maybe they would both just wipe each other out and I could have all their money! Um, actually, I’m not supposed to talk about that, so you’d better just be polite and forget I ever said it. Got that?
Anyway, I think Iran watched what I did to Iraq, and also noticed how nice I’ve been to another crazy neighbor named North Korea. North Korea made his own mass-death weapons. That got me mad, but now that he has them, I have to be kind of nice to him, because if I treat him the way I did Iraq, he could retaliate. Of course, I have far more of these weapons than everyone else in town all put together. But only people that I like [and me of course!] are allowed to have any of them, and also people who somehow manage to get or make them while I wasn’t paying attention. So I think Iran is trying to make some of these weapons too, and I can’t let him, because then I would have to be kind of nice to him like I am to North Korea. So it’s a really good thing that I have all those weapons, isn’t it? But you know, going after Iran myself might not be such a good idea. Some of my friends and relatives are getting tired of all this feuding. Some of them are even getting kind of loud about it, saying that there’s too much noise from all the gunfire and they want their kids to be able to play outside without having to dodge bullets. Yeah, and get this: they even want their kids to have schools! Hey, I have a great idea! I do have one friend, Israel, who is actually foaming at the mouth to go after Iran. Israel is a friend that I REALLY like a lot, so it’s just jim-dandy that he has a whole bunch of the mass-death weapons, even though we pretend he doesn’t have any. Yeah, I’ll just let Israel do the dirty work for me!
IV. Iran Update from Nephew Barack: I have to say my uncle Sam is a little nuts with the bloodthirsty, know what I mean? I finally got him to step back a little bit so I could mend a few fences with some of the neighbors. They were really hot on peace (sort of) with Iran. So I got my uncle to go get drunk so he would be out of the way and Iran would trust me (sort of) and I was able to reassure Iran that if he stops trying to make the weapons (even though all my nosy friends told me he had already stopped) that I would make my uncle leave him alone. I think it might be working. Maybe, if we stopped threatening and attacking other people, this might be a nicer neighborhood to live in!
V. Uncle Sam here again.
That Barack kid, my so-called “nephew” is out of the way now and a good thing too. He’s certainly a Muslim, definitely not born in the You Ess Ay so how could he be any relative of mine??? Anyway, he can’t make any more trouble anymore because this crazy guy Donald’s in charge now. Yeah he’s crazy. Crazy like a fox. Not taking any nonsense from anybody. Ditched that whole business of making nice with Iran and some other bull duty with my Old Europe so-called "friends" and told them to stick it where the sun don’t shine. Yeah!!! Make Me Great Again!!!