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The Eclectic Pen - Dying to Talk More Gooder - Chapter 3

By: John L. (pater47)   + 2 more  
Date Submitted: 8/22/2011
Words: 1,286

Chapter 3
Red Rose

Steve awoke to Angel’s banging around in the kitchen. “Well, it was a good nap while it lasted, anyway”, he grumbled. Shuffling into the kitchen and seeing what was going on, he exclaimed “Damn! How much crap did you buy?” There were at least 50 filled grocery bags on top of the kitchen counter, from at least four different stores.

“Get a good nap?” Angel asked. “I think I got pretty much everything on the list except the apples. They looked like monkey dookey everywhere I went. Did you know you had a new Fresh Markets store? They have some of the weirdest stuff that I’ve ever seen in my life, or for that matter, my afterlife.”

“Yes, I was aware of that. So, what all do we have here? Or should I say what do we not have here? Anything actually good? Or maybe I could use some Lifesavers, huh?

“Sorry – too late for the Lifesavers, my friend. But we do have some chips, cookies, a key lime pie, the ice cream, of course, if you’d like to sit on it later, and my personal favorite, angel food cake. We also have pizza, chicken, steaks – you’re very welcome, and some stuffed pork chops. Most of this though is fruits and vegetables. Are you aware your place is basically devoid of fruits and vegetables?”

“Well, I do eat a banana or apple every now and then, but I’m not too big on the veggies.”

“Why Steve, that’s just not healthy. Don’t you understand that vegetables are good for you? You should get several servings each day. Bad nutrition could lead to an early death, you know.”

“Now that’s funny. Were you a comedian in a previous life?”

“Yeah, I thought you’d get a chuckle out of that. Must’ve been a silent chuckle though, because I could swear I didn’t hear any chuckle.”

“What else did you get?”

“Ah, assorted liquid refreshments We have milk – soy and moo. We have bottled water. Did you know your tap water tasted like crap? We have beer. Miller Lite okay? It was on sale. We have coffee. By the way, when’s the last time you cleaned up your coffee pot, anyway? And last, my addiction, another box of Red Rose tea. I can’t wait to see what I got!”

“What do you mean? You don’t know what kind of tea you got?”

“No silly, I know which kind. Each box comes with a little ceramic figurine in it. They’re on the calendar series right now.”

“Oh. So that’s what those little doo-hickey thingamabobs in the den are that I noticed earlier?”

“Yeah! You’ve seen them? Only three more different ones, the Easter Bunny which to me looks more like a pregnant pink kangaroo, the Pumpkin Kitty, and the Christmas Tree, and I have the set. Last three boxes in a row in a row though that I’ve got had that damned little ugly green leprechaun in them.”

“I’ve gotten.”

“What? You’ve got them too? Do you have the ones I need?”

“No. Calm down. Breathe. Relax. What I’m trying to say to you is the correct term is ‘I’ve gotten’, not ‘I’ve got.’”

“Oh yeah? Then why does AOL say ‘you’ve got mail’, then, huh? Huh? Answer me that, grammar boy!”

“That would be because they’re all idiots who know less about grammar than they do about the internet.

“Speaking of knowing less about grammar, we need to have a little talk about your habit of correcting folks.”

“Sorry, I just can’t help it.”

“Well, in case you make it to the Pearly Gates, the Streets of Gold, the Mansions on the Hilltop, you know, the good stuff, it’s a habit you better get out of.”

“Why’s that?”

“In a nutshell, it’s because God’s Grammar royally sucks. He didn’t actually create the language, just the folks speaking it. And since the old Tower of Babel episode didn’t include English, whatever way he hears things said most commonly is the way he says it himself. The “thee” and “thou” period took him awhile to get out of but I guess when you have to be fluent in all the languages of the world, you really can’t expect perfection in any of them. He has bigger things to be perfect with. If you were to correct God’s grammar, thou just mighteth find thyself smitethed.”

“You’re kiddingeth, aren’teth you?”

“I kiddeth you notteth.”

“What were we talking about anyway, before we got off on the God and Grammar business?”

“My Wade Whimsies.”

“I thought you said they were figurines.”

“They are, dingleberry. Wade Whimsey is the type of figurine they are.”

Opening the box, Angel stuck her hand between two tea bags and pulled out something green in a plastic bag. “Woot!”, she cried out. “I got my Christmas Tree! Ten down, two to go!”

“Congratulations. When I saw it was green, I thought it was going to be another one of your leprechauns.”

“You would of, oops, excuse me, Mr. Grammar Gestapo, would have heard me cuss resoundingly if it had been another blasted little green dude.”

“So what do you do with the all the extras?”

“Oh, different things. Sometimes I’ll trade them or put them in silly places where someone will find them, like in a airport lobby or restaurant table or something like that. I remember one time I put a giraffe in a model train panorama at a museum. It was months before anyone even noticed it. If they have a chipped spot or some other defect I’ll usually just throw them away. Hey! These would be a good thing to put in one of your geo-things, wouldn’t it?”

“As a matter of fact, they would be excellent things to leave in a geocache. They would probably be very popular. If you get rid of all your spares, why do you have two of the little circus ringmasters in there?”

“I don’t. Oh, I bet you saw the Uncle Sam one too. At first glance, they look a lot alike. Plenty of people make the same mistake.”

“I’m reasonably sure they were the same.”

“Show me.”

Angel and Steve walked into the den. Steve pointed to the shelf where the circus series was. But Angel was correct. There was only one ringmaster there.

“Well, I guess you were right. I must have been seeing things. My sincerest apologies, all knowing and wise one.”

“Apology graciously accepted. See? Now once you realize I’m perfect, we’ll get along fine!”

Angel went back into the kitchen to make herself some tea and to put away the groceries. It was a tight fit, but she got everything into the refrigerator and cabinets. Meanwhile, Steve stood and stared at the ringmaster in the curio cabinet. “There were two of them earlier. I’m sure of it!” If he had looked closer, he would have noticed on the shelf below, there were now two identical goldfish.

Meanwhile, Angel had a strong feeling in the back of her mind that Steve probably really had seen two ringmasters. And she knew what it meant. Upamive was already here.

The Eclectic Pen » All Stories by John L. (pater47)

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Whitney (whitneyab) - - 10/6/2011 9:49 AM ET
When will there be more?????
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