I was near 20 when i first understood the pleasures of butch -
The strong arms holding you down and up as she makes love to you, the truth: equal doesn't mean same, the soft, sweet eyes speaking to you of her heart's depth - and I was drunk with it.

I was drunk with the pleasure of being on her arms, both figuratively and occasionally literally. Drunk with the knowledge that I'd crossed some invisible barrier inside myself, to allow myself the once-discarded pleasures of foundation, blush, powder, lipstick, silk, shaving, lace, satin, 4 inch platform sandals - and the ability to retain my lesbian identity in the face of all who scorn femme.

Here with my baby, my boi, my Daddy, my butch, here in a word where I could pass unnoticed as Other, my love makes me visible. Visible - and endangered.

I was 20 when I first understood the pleasures of butch, and only 24 when I understood the pain - and I was drunk with it.

Drunk with the softness that covered the barriers that I couldn't cross. Body barriers belied the soul's walls - walls born of a heart broken once too often, the rules and limits and lies beaten into and out of her each day.

Here with myself. My femme self. My alone, broken-hearted femme self, I retain my identity without a butch to support it.

I was 20 when I learned the pleasures of butch.

The Eclectic Pen » All Stories by Melissa M. (saffie)

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Comments 1 to 5 of 5

Catherine S. (focolarina) - 1/26/2009 2:58 PM ET

Wow, a very engaging poem! I like your use of contrasting imagery ("drunk with the softness", etc) makes for a very compelling presentation. Beautiful :)

Marta J. (booksnob) - 1/27/2009 6:56 PM ET

Squirmingly honest and well-written.

Mary L. - 9/18/2009 11:37 AM ET

Yes, the world has a problem with butch and femme identities, they gay world and the straight world. To me a femme lesbian is a challenge, is tantalizing, isn't "really" gay just hasn't met the right man. However, a butch woman, that's different, an affront to their masculinity, someone "trying to be who they can never be, a man" they don't get it...no one is trying to be one of them, why would they? Today in the world of lipstick lesbians everyone looks femme....but if you look closely you can still tell who your match is. No need to be lonely if you keep your "gaydar" going.

Mary L. - 9/18/2009 11:39 AM ET

Excuse me. That 2nd sentence should read "to men" and not "to me"...sorry.

M. E. L. (SapphosLibrary) - 1/30/2020 12:34 AM ET

Nice piece. I hope you found someone.

Comments 1 to 5 of 5

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