IONE L. (zaneygraylady) - 4/25/2007 5:41 PM ET

me too

Brian F. (CoolBreeze) - 4/26/2007 12:08 PM ET

Don't mix tenses! Past tense to present tense and back again, the temporal disjoint takes away from the story.

JOYCE W. (luvthemgoats) - 4/26/2007 1:38 PM ET

I think your story is great, look forward to reading more from you.

Claudia (BrokenWing) - 4/26/2007 3:51 PM ET

Thanks. I'll try to correct the tense problem.

Marta J. (booksnob) - 4/26/2007 5:37 PM ET

Your friend's interruption saved this from sounding like a Harlequin romance... a little injection of humor.

Maggie M. - 4/27/2007 7:51 AM ET

You auely know how to write. Now please expect more from yourself, okay?

Maggie M. - 4/27/2007 7:53 AM ET

Sorry--"auely" was meant to be "surely."

Claudia (BrokenWing) - 4/27/2007 5:40 PM ET

Maggie, Could you clarify what you mean by "expect more from yourself?"

Shirley C. - 4/27/2007 6:59 PM ET

think I would have left off at the prodding belly part... and ended with the last line...he kissed me, then was gone...and I wanted more.

Claudia (BrokenWing) - 4/27/2007 7:42 PM ET

Ok, so some of you like the humor of the friend interruption part, some don't and think I should have left it off.

katzpawz - 4/30/2007 2:28 PM ET

This is lovely! I agree w/Brian about the tenses. Rather than seeing the interruption as comedy, I felt it as a breaking of a tendrily magic spell. Hmmmm?

Linda S. (Dreamin1) - 5/4/2007 1:46 AM ET

This was fun to read, but It was not as believable as it could be, but then again I dont know this character and what her background is. Would she do this? I would have had her hesitate, and allow the reader to hear her thoughts. Also I would make this a longer story. In the first paragraph we learn alot about the strangers looks. It would be better if it was scattered about more throughout the story--a gradual visual of him. Otherwise it could resemble a police bulletin. I would like to know why he thinks someone has hurt her. You could expand on that later on if you did make this story longer. I think this story has potential. I like the rythm of the sentences too. I liked the part where the freind interupted, but I think there should have been more of a a reaction..first a shock for the freind arriving, and then a question for the one being kissed, etc. I like the humor in the thoughts of the girl. Nice simple summary in this sentence>I told my freind what happened. I'd still like to know more about the thing causing the pain. This is a good thing. A story should make the reader ask these questions.

Linda S. (Dreamin1) - 5/4/2007 1:58 AM ET

There you are....I've been looking all over for you. Come along so the ants don't eat our lunch." This is where I would break in between, where she (the one speaking) could blush, and react. and then recover. It seems like the interuption needed to happen, therefore the humor seems appropriate. It was a kiss, but it was becoming much more than that...rather quickly. It made me thimk of Little Red going into the woods where she meets up with the big bad handsome wolf in sheeps clothing. She sounds rather naive or just doesn't care. I'm not sure which. Claudia: More please.

Claudia (BrokenWing) - 5/16/2007 7:23 PM ET

Comment: She's a little naive and also feeling a bit reckless after a crushing breakup with her boyfriend of many years. Hence, the sad eyes.

Claudia (BrokenWing) - 5/17/2007 12:42 PM ET

Thinking about doing a part II to this. In fact, I dreamed about it last night. I'll start it when I have time.