All I can find on Google seems to be polished histories from Catholics. I want the true story, warts and all.

Thanks.

Wow! No one has ever responded.  Does that mean an unbiased history of the Catholic Church doesn't exist?

There is a scholar named Jaroslav Pelikan. As far as I can tell, he has no peers. The culmination of his work, I suppose you could say, is a five volume series titled Te Christian Tradition,: A History of The Development of Doctrine. I am about halfway through V. I. I hope to complete it before 2020.

With Pelikan, labelling warts as symbols it should last you 200,300 years.

Are you looking for a history of the Christian Religion or the Catholic Church as an institution?  If it's the Church as an institution, you might want  A Concise History of the Catholic Church by Thomas Bokenkotter.  It's not perfect but comes closer to a balanced approach than many.  (Though there is still some argument about how unbiased and/or concise it is)