“ So, How long have they been stinking up my interrogation room?”
“ ‘Bout an hour and a half, they should be pretty panicky right ‘bout now. Are you going to question them now, or let the Feds do it?”
“ I just got off the phone with the boys in Washington a few minutes ago, they said the circumstances on this case fall under the new Home Land Security guidelines, and that we’ re running the show on the investigation. So, what’s the story on these two guys anyway, which one is which?”
“ Well the one to your left.”
“ You mean the fat one?”
“ Ya, the fat one’s name is William Lancaster and his skinny clueless sidekick is Robert Jordan. They both calm to be members of the Civilians Boarder Patrol Group.”
“ You mean that half assed Minutemen group?”
“ No- no, the Minutemen claim there’re no longer one of theirs, but they did inform us that a small faction broke off, and formed a less passive group ‘bout two months ago. Detective Roberts is still trying to track down the whereabouts of other local members to confirm this.”
“ Do Billy and Bob have any priors? Hah, that’s funny.”
“ What?”
“ Billy Bob.”
“ Ya, that is funny; I guess I just never thought ‘bout the redneck connection.”
“ Guess that’s why I’m lead dick, and your not!”
“ You’re a pretty funny guy, you should get your own HBO special.”
“ All right, lets put on our game faces, I want to get this over with as soon as possible. I want to get to Jerrys for the game tonight.”
“ Who’s playing?”
“ Who do ya thinks playing, only the greats franchises ever; the Tigers.”
“ Who are they up against?” “ The losers.”

Both Billy and Bob flinched as the door flung open and the two detectives quickly entered the room. Neither detective looked directly at them as the seated themselves across the table. The faded off-white walls of the room were dimly lit by the backwash of light coming from the sole fixture in the room, swaying over the interrogation table. After what seemed like an eternity of short shallow breathes of the captives. The silence was broken. “ Mr. Lancaster, Mr. Jordan do you happened to know why we brought you in?”

Before either of them could udder a nervous word, the detective interrupted.” It’s because you two morons have single-handedly broken numerous state and national laws, not to mention a few international laws in the process.” There not going to be much left of you two when the great state of Texas’ penal system is through with you; when we’re done with ya, we’re going to deport the both of your good for nothing asses to Mexico and they’ll have fun with what’s left.”

“That is if ya’ll don’t get the needle first”, commented the junior detective, we’ve been told by the Governor himself to throw the book at you two; ya’ll really pissed him off and in an election year too.”

The detectives stared emotionlessly through the perps. This was a standard interrogation practice that they had come to use throughout their years in law enforcement. From the fear in both of the perps eyes and the sweat on their faces, it seemed to work once again.

Seeing his opportunity, the lead detective rose out of his seat with such force that it sent his chair sailing across the room’s worn tile floor, until it hit against the back wall. SLAP!!

The echo took his adrenaline level up an extra notch.
“ Listen here, this is how it’s going to work.” He said in the three steps it took him to walk around the table behind them, and slamming a tape recorder on the table.” You’re going to talk; you’re going to start from the begging and your not going to stop talking until your reach this conversation. The only way to escape the needle is to come clean; do you get me!”
“ Yeesss,Siirr.” Stammered Billy. Bob’s response was so high pitched that it was only audible to dogs.
While standing behind them the Detective noticed two things that he couldn’t see from the other side of the table; first was that Billy was dominate and definitely the leader of the two by the way Bob’s small weak mind seemed to orbit Billy’s and repeat what ever he said. Second was that Bob had already cracked, there was a small puddle of stale urine under his chair. He started with Bob first.
“ You first; spill it.”

While nervously trying to clear his throat, Bob shifted in his cold, wet seat. Hopefully he thought this would bring his voice down to an octave that could be recorded on the tape. “ We-well..”, he stuttered slowly at first and then the story just start flowing out like a broken levy.” It all started Tuesday, ‘bout dusk. We were…”
“ You mean Mr. Lancaster and yourself?”
“ Yes Sir, Bill and Me.”
“No one else, just you two?”
“Nope, just us.”
“Continue.”
“Like I was saying we was just’ a make’ in our rounds by the river on the west side of town…

As I recall it was hot, damn hot, no…. desert hot; the kind of heat you only read about in the Old Testament. The land and the sky seemed to melt together into a copper and cayenne continuous heat vapor. You couldn’t tell where the land stopped and the sky bega--------CLICK. The lead dick turned off the recorder.

“ What the hell do you think your doing, dictating a novel! Who the hell do you think you are? John, Fuck’ in, Steinbeck. I don’t need to now that much goddamned detail,
We’re in Texas you son of a bitch. I know it’s hot down here, hell I’ve lived here my whole life.”
Bob quivered and hid his head in fear, as he was bombarded with hot spit from over head.
“ I want the facts you nimrod, don’t paint me a fuck’ in picture!” he yelled so loud that spit flew from his mouth like sprinkles raining down covering the whole table.
The detective reached over and turned on the recorder.

It took a few seconds for this new concept to swim through Bob’s brain. So long in fact, that Billy instinctively took control of the situation and continued were the story left off
“ That afternoon…” through his crackled voice, the facts slowly began to appear before the detectives.

… “ Billy, whatcha think ‘bout this here holster? I kind’ a like the way it hangs from my side.”
“ It looks alright I guess, if you don’t mind looking like Barney Fife.”
Bob snarled and shot Billy a dirty look. “ Well at least mines fully loaded.” He said under his breath as he continued his stride toward the river.
“ Do ya think will see anybody today?”
“ I don’t know Bobby haven’t seen… WHAT THE HELLS THAT?” he cried out excitedly as he pointed toward the riverbank.

About a hundred yards ahead of them, it looked like someone was crawling out of the river. “ Come’ on boy this could be our big chance, will show those sissy Minutemen a thing or two ‘bout border patrol.”
They could hardly contain their excitement as the figure came into focus with every step they took; Bob almost creamed himself from anticipation when he finally realized that there before them looked to be their very first illegal alien. When he finally spoke, it was confirmed.

“What the hell did he call me?” asked Bob with his pistols drawn on the half naked man.

“ I don’t know? You know I don’t speak Mexican. Keep ‘em covered Bobby, don’t let ‘em get away.” He said as he back up the riverbank.
“ Where ya going?”
“ To get the van.” He shouted over his shoulder as he wobbled as fast as his short stubby legs would go…

“Wait –wait –wait. So, your telling me that you kept Doctor Martinez locked up in a van down by the river for two days out in the Texas heat.” Interrupted the Detective
“Doctor?”
“Answer the question.”
“No-no, not the whole time.”
“Did occur to you two at anytime to call the authorities?”
“Yeah of course, we contacted the border patrol but I guess they thought it was a joke.”, said Bobby
“Doctor; are you sure?”
“Yes, doctor.
Mr. Martinez is a well-known and respected Physician through out the towns along the Mexican boarder .”
“ Oh.”
“ Continue!”
“ …What time is it?” “ Eight. I think”
“ I don’t think the border cops are going to show up Billy.”
“ Shut-up; your not paid to think.”
“ This doesn’t look good. What are we going to do?”
“ I don’t know; how am I suppose to think with all… HAY SHUT-UP IN THERE!!” he yelled while banging on the side of the van…

“ Then what happened?” the junior dick asked without looking up from the notes he was taking.
“ Well about that same time, Bobby’s cell phone went off.”
“ Who was it?”
“ It was his wife. “ he said laughingly,” she wanted him to pick her up some pads from the store on his way home.”

“ …What are we going to do with him Billy?” he said while nudging his head toward the van

“ Well we can’t let the bastered go, now can we. I mean, as soon as were gone he’ll just swim back across the damn river and the next thing you know your cousin Troy will lose his job at Wal-mart. All because these good fur nothing assholes will work for pennies on the dollar while telling ya have a nice day in fucking Mexican. This is America, God damn it; we speak American not Mexican. When me and my old lady go out ta dinner we order two number ones with cheese, not “dose numeral unos.” God damn it, these people really piss me off.” He ranted until his face flushed red with blood
“ Geez calm down Billy, you’re get ‘n yourself all worked up.”
“ How can I calm down when these people are coming out of the woodworks like fuck’ n cucarachas?”
“ Is there anywhere we can take him, you know like a shelter or something?”
“Don’t be stupid Bobby, he not a dog for Christ sakes, he a Mexican. You can’t just drop’ em off anywhere. We can’t just take him to the pound.”
“Maybe you could keep him, like maybe in your garage or something and then we could drop him off somewhere tomorrow after work...”

“ Could I get so water?”
“In a minute, tell us a little more about the garage.”

…As far as your suburban garages go, Billy’s was a sub par crap shack. Only two out of the eight fluorescent lights didn’t constantly blink, and its red-necked soundproofing was wasted on its continents. Odd collections of old holiday decorations, some miss-matched tools from neighborhood yard sales, and one geriatric broken down old lawn mower. Once properly pad locked from the out side though, it did make a suitable prison.

“ Listen here Chico; don’t fuck with my stuff. Ha, he said almost as an after thought, what I’m I saying you haven’t got a clue what I’m talking ‘bout do ya.” With that statement he left the room, locking the door behind him. “I’ll bring you some Taco Bell later, hay don’t you go anywhere!” he called back through the door…

“ How long did Mr. Martinez stay a prisoner in your house?”
“ Com’ on prisoner, I’d like two think of it as an unwanted guest.”
“ NO! An unwanted guest is your mother-in-law, a prisoner is someone held against their will, and that was certainly what DR. MARTINEZ was. A prisoner.
Now answer the damn question! How long?”

“Just until dawn.” He said laughingly, “ The bastard woke the whole neighborhood up by driving my lawnmower through the garage door. He had somehow many to get that old jalopy running. Luckily for me”, he said between roaring chuckles,” I was able to intercept him as he made his first pass over my front lawn. You know what still cracks me up ‘bout the whole damn thing?”
“ What’s that Mr. Lancaster?” he said with a serious face
Laughing louder now, “ the Damn blade was engaged, Speedy Gonzalez was actually cutting my lawn! Do you hear me; he was cutting my lawn. Well, after that you could bet I was pretty pissed, that’s when I decided that we had to get rid of him. It couldn’t wait until this afternoon. So after I got him inside the house I called Bobby. I had a plan.”
“What was it?”
“ It was simple, since no one would ever believe our story and we had no where else to go, all we could do was swallowed our patriotic pride. We load his illegal ass back in the van to drop him off in front of Home Depot.”
“ Why there?”
“ Com ‘on you know why.”
“ Enlighten us.”
“ ’Cause of all the Mexicans looking for daily work. That place is practically crawling with them.”
“ Guess it didn’t workout quite the way you two plan did it!”
“ What do you mean?”
“ Well, according to the parking lot surveillance cameras you two caused quite a bit of a riot.”
“Yeah you’re telling me, when those guys saw me trying to unload him out the back of van, an he started yell something to them in Mexican, that’s was it, that’s when all hell broke loss. They all just sort of…Well for the lack of a better word for it, bum rushed us. Like kids running toward a piñata, throwing their bodies and what ever else they could find wildly against the van, trying to tip us over; or somethin’. It was crazy, ol’ Bobby spooked, and before I knew what was happen ‘in, he popped the cluck making us take off like a bat out of hell through the parking lot hitting every damn shopping chart and curb along the way trying to drop the last of the clingers. Bobby didn’t hit the brakes for three miles, that’s were we where intercepted by your boys in blue. Somebody must’ of called the cops or something. Hell I don’t know?” he said while shrugging it off

“Do you have anything you like say to them Detective Massena?”
“Why thank you Detective Gonzalez”, he said leaning deep into the table with a smile,” there is one thing I’d like them to digest over there stale bread and bland beans tonight in jail.
“ What’s That?”
“ Only this; Dr. Martinez wasn’t trying to fleeing Mexico in search of an American minimum wage job. He was actually the victim of a very misfortunate boating accident, and thanks to you two morons, and I can’t stress heavily on the moron part. Is now, at this moment by the way, dinning with both the President of the United States and the Governor of Texas. The President has given him, along with a well-deserved ass kissing, duel citizenship. To top it all the press has made him, not you two, an international celebrity.

With that both detectives Massena and Gonzalez stood up and left the interrogation room, leaving the two dumbest rednecks they had ever met behind in their wake.

“You want to grab a beer with me over at Jerry’s?” said Gonzalous as the walked down the hallway.
“Yeah. I think I could use a cold one.”

The Eclectic Pen - The Misadventures of Billy & Bob

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