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The Eclectic Pen - The Nobody

By: Kimberly Z. (chiKaD27) - ,   + 2 more  
Date Submitted: 3/10/2009
Last Updated: 4/1/2009
Genre: Romance
Words: 231

  Butterflies twist and flutter rapidly as he walks coolly past her. For what seems like the hundredth time, she says nothing, despite all her best intentions. She stays stock still as he passes, scenting the smell of her true love, like wildflowers with a hint of spices. He walks past her as though she doesn't exist, instead heading for his band of faithful followers. She notices that there are a few of the popular girls in the group, commanding his attention. She feels the butterflies for the thousandth time that day as he smiles at them, making them laugh, charming them with his magnificent looks and endearing and sparkling personality, much like he has her. They are oblivious to all other people around them, including her, of course. She is the loner, the outcast, the one always left standing in the cold and dark. The one hoping, dreaming of the day he realizes the one who has always been waiting for him, the two meant to be together, forever. But, now, she is left alone like the plague, not a part of the "in crowd", a nobody. But she knows, one day, he'll open his eyes and they'll end up together. Because without this hope, she has no reason to live. Without his dark chocolate eyes, his captivating smile, and open and loving heart, she will always be, the nobody.

The Eclectic Pen » All Stories by Kimberly Z. (chiKaD27) - ,

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Comments 1 to 5 of 5
Kimberly Z. (chiKaD27) - , - 3/10/2009 8:36 PM ET
Please leave any thoughts you have on this story! I am always open to criticism, whatever you may think, leave it here!!!
Jessica W. (sxydork) - 3/10/2009 11:34 PM ET
whew that was good. is this a story that u r still working on or is this it?
Kimberly Z. (chiKaD27) - , - 3/10/2009 11:42 PM ET
I might write more....maybe his side of the story. But for now, this is it. Let me know if you would like to read more.
Deanna T. (romance-writer81) - 3/11/2009 1:38 PM ET
Nice. I like the honesty of her feelings. Would be interested in reading more
Linda (wherearemyglasses) - - 4/1/2009 9:38 AM ET
Awkward sentencing..needs to flow better and better grammar. Your adjective are too many and seem to stop the decriptions rather than make the writing move along the story. Put away your thesaurus and use plain english to describe thing. Your writing is good but the pace is off. I LOVED your first line except take out "sweet" smell and just say smell. Readers nowadays , thanks to TV, like a story to move. Before tv the novels read like yours. But now they need a faster more consise pace. This applies to all of your stories. More action less talk.
Comments 1 to 5 of 5