My main focus of this book is dealing with abusive relationships. I’m going to talk about some of the aspects of it throughout the book. This chapter will deal with pain and surviving. Let's talk about pain. Random House Webster’s Student Notebook Dictionary defines pain as mental or physical suffering. One particular type of pain is the one you feel when someone breaks your heart. After that some of us find it very hard to trust again. You're giving up a part of yourself that you can never get back when you trust. It feels like you're allowing someone to touch your soul. You're showing someone your weakness and how vulnerable you are; therefore running a chance of heartache. Pain can cut so deep that when you are hurt, it kind of feels like your insides is seeping out.
This is not going to be about blaming someone for my pain or my mistakes. What I want to talk about are the results from the pain that we encounter every day. I was young, foolish, and in love and my heart was leading me instead of my head. When you’re young and in love no one can tell you anything, especially when it comes to the truth. You just have to learn from your mistakes. Back then I knew nothing about love on the rebound, getting over a relationship, carrying baggage into another relationship, or even having a real relationship with someone and making it last. The only thing I thought I knew was that I loved this guy with all my heart and I wanted him for my husband. Keep in mind that I was young and very impressionable. So when he hurt me, I wanted to hurt other men for the pain I had endured. I wanted to use and misuse men and keep on trucking. I’m getting a little ahead of myself so let me back up and tell you exactly what happened.
Let's talk about my pain from my first real relationships (with Brian.) He was my first everything. He was the first love, first sexual encounter, first orgasms, first blowjob, first pregnancy, first miscarriage, and first heartbreak; he was my all. I was an inexperienced girl trying to be a woman or at least pretending to be one. I knew that he was sexually active because he told me so. However, he did not rush me into making love. He wanted me to be ready and sure that this was what I really wanted. He was a little older than me and he was willing to wait; or so I thought.
I met Brian in church; imagine that - meeting the devil in the house of the Lord. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was on the Usher Board and we always sat on the back row. While I was whispering to my friend Evelyn, a group of boys walked in and they all sat down together. It was about 6 of them and they looked so good to my friends and me. We kept looking at them and they kept looking at us. Well it was hard to concentrate on what the Pastor was saying while looking at cute boys in church. I could tell that they were older and didn’t go to the neighborhood high school.
After church, we were walking home and wouldn't you know it, they had to walk the same way. I’d come to find out that they were cousins of a friend of mine named Lynn, and she was with us. She never let on to the fact while we were in church. We started pairing off with the boys and there was one boy and two girls left. Wouldn't you know that he was foolish enough to say that he wanted both of us? I told him that he could have either her or me but he couldn’t have both of us. She was younger and she wanted him too. Since it seemed like he didn’t want to make up his mind, I decided to make it up for him. I told him that I wasn't interested and I started walking off. He decided to follow me home and on the way home we talked a while. He was telling me about himself and he said that he wanted to know more about me. I told him that I was the baby girl and that I had 7 brothers. I guess I was trying to make sure that he wasn’t going to try anything.
He asked if I was allowed to have company and I told him about my folks and the rules. I stated that I wasn’t really able to date yet but they would let me have company. He asked if it would be all right if he could meet my parents. So, I took him inside and introduced him to them. I think that was my first mistake. Immediately, my Mom and Dad loved him. I could always go wherever with him after that. Even if I was supposed to be on punishment, he could take me out for a while to get me away from the house. Even though I was only 15 so I wasn’t allowed to officially date yet (yeah right). It was hard trying to have company with all the brothers that I had. Plus since I wasn’t really dating, with them in the house there was no such thing as privacy.
He and his friends would still come to church some Sundays. He would sometimes take me to the movies when he wasn't working. He was attending college in the morning and working at night. He was charming, sexy, devious, handsome, and intelligent. He had all the interesting qualities that I found attractive. At that time I could have talked about him all day. I can remember the first time that we actually made love. We were actually in his car the first time we made love, and I was the one to initiate it.
I think that Brian soon became possessive of me. He did not like it when boys would talk to me or look at me. The good thing was he wasn't abusive or anything like that. We never had a real argument. I could turn quite a few heads and I did. Men would be driving down the street and turn around just to take another look. Every now and again, I would wear short shorts just to see how bad I could make them sweat. I have always been top heavy and that helps. That also has its downfalls as well. For example, when they talk to your chest instead of your face. Brian told me that they were his favorite things.
Well back to the first love making session. I was 16 years old and so in love with Brian. I know a lot of people think that your first time should be so special but I was just so hot that I couldn’t stand it anymore. We had a special place where we could park, talk, and get a little foreplay going. One night I didn’t want to stop, and I know I caught him by surprise. He kept saying that this wasn’t the way he wanted our first time to be but at that point I didn’t care. All I knew was that I wanted to feel him inside. Well it wasn’t like I expected. It was a little painful but with time and practice, there was no pain after that.
That was the first of a lot of love making sessions. At one point, I was afraid that he was trying to make a baby. He would tell me things like he wanted us to marry after he finished college. He always said that he loved me and wanted us to have a life together. We weren’t using condoms and I’d been off the pill for a couple of years. Why was I on the pill, well there was a medical reason.
When I was 10 my doctor recommended for me to use birth control pills to regulate my cycle. And I stayed on them until I was about 14 years old. I got tired of taking them then and my cycle was pretty regular; and even though some of my friends were sexually active much sooner than I was, I didn’t want to do anything then because I was afraid of getting pregnant.
So when I finally became active with Brian, I just didn’t think about getting on the pill again plus my Mom kept up with my cycle and things like that. We took a big chance using no protection. Well things seem to be really good between us despite me being a selfish, spoiled brat. I soon noticed how males were always paying attention to me no matter where I was. Oh, that just opened up a whole new world for me.
I wanted to see just how many males liked me, but I was still in love with Brian so that had to wait. Well I’m not sure just where we went wrong, but after dating for almost two years, we had a big fight and broke up. Seems like for some reason he decided that he wanted to be selfish. He wanted sex the way he wanted and when he wanted. Meaning he wanted anal sex and oral sex with the swallowing. Me, being the selfish spoiled brat that I was, he just couldn’t have either of those requests (or shall I say demands.) So I refused to give in to either request/demand and told him that there was no way I was going to change my mind. I thought it was supposed to be a two way street but I guess not. So after arguing and not being able to reach a solution that felt right to both of us, we just split up.
At first all I could do was cry. I was so use to spending all my free time with him and then when he wasn’t there, I didn’t know what do to with me. Other guys would come around and offer to take me out but it wasn’t the same. So I just remained miserable for the time we were separated. That was the worst 3 months of my life being without him. Well I guess we both missed each other so much that he called one day and wanted to take me out so that we could talk. I agreed because I was still in love with him and we decided to give it one more try.
He told me that he had been dating some girl that lived in the neighborhood not far from his house but it was over. I told him that I had dated a couple of people but it was nothing serious. I didn’t have any feelings for the ones I dated while we were separated. I was just trying to numb the pain until I could come up with a solution. He wanted me back and we were planning a life together. He wanted me to finish school, attend college and then we could get married.
He would have a better paying job after he graduated so that influenced the wait. Well I thought we were being honest with each other when we agreed to give it one more try. I was honest with him in letting him know that I had been interested in a guy in school but it wasn’t serious. He was just someone to occupy my time and talk to when I was missing Brian.
Well after spending more time with each other, he stopped using the condoms and we were just taking a risk. He had told me that his real father had not been there for him when he was growing up and that was one more thing we had in common. He said that if he ever got me pregnant, we would have to marry because he couldn’t see his kids growing up without him like he had been raised. I think that he resented the fact that his biological father left them when they were little. That led me to believe that he was determined to make a baby so that he could prove that he could be a better father than his biological father was.
I hadn’t been feeling well and I wasn’t sure what was going on. I had lied to my Mom about having a cycle and faked it just in case she was checking the trash for sanitary wrappers. I knew I was pregnant because I could feel it. I didn’t know how I was going to tell Brian much less my parents. I knew he had talked about kids but it’s another thing when the baby is on the way. So I was trying to find the right time to tell him what was going on.
In the meantime, we were becoming a little distant with each other; or I was staying away from him until I could figure out a way to tell him. I was spending more time with my best friend Lisa and less time with him. He came up with the assumption that Lisa had introduced me to some boy and that’s why I was spending so much time over her house and not going out with him. So finally after all the arguing and misunderstandings, I finally told Lisa that I was going to tell him on Father’s Day about my being pregnant. She kept advising me not to tell him anything and just have an abortion. I told her that I couldn’t do that because I loved him and I loved kids. I would just have to tell him and my parents and deal with the consequences.
It didn’t go as planned and my doubts turned into heartache. My troubles started as soon as I was about to spill the beans. Wouldn’t you know it but the shit had to hit the fan sooner or later. It happened on Father’s Day when I was over my friend Lisa’s house. I was ready to go home and I called Brian to come and take me home. That was my excuse to get him alone and finally tell him about my being pregnant. When I called and asked him to come and take me home, he told me he couldn’t at the time because he was spending time with his son. Imagine the look on my face when he starts talking about a son. Damn, I felt like I had been gut punched and kicked in the stomach at the same time.
I asked him where he got a son. He said that he was coming to get me and then he would explain. The girl that he was dating while we were broken up ended up pregnant and she didn’t tell him until after he and I were back together. He claimed he didn’t know how to tell me and he just kept putting it off. He said that he was hoping that he could get me pregnant and married before I would find out and then he wouldn’t have to worry about me leaving him. He knows that if I married him it would be forever.
I was just so hurt that it was hard to listen to anything he was saying. I didn’t believe him because this whole thing just seemed like some kind of nightmare that kept getting worse. The more he tried to explain, the angrier I got. I just wanted him and everyone else to go away and leave me alone.
All I could say to him was take me home and don’t tell me anymore. So when I got home I think I was still in shock. I went into my room and I called Lisa to tell her the news. Now Lisa and I were “as thick as thieves” and when I told her, she called him and cussed him out. I know that she only made the situation worse but I couldn’t care at the time. All I was thinking about was that I was pregnant with his child and he already had one. I felt so numb the rest of the night until I just lay in bed and the television watched me. Finally I started to cry in the middle of the night and the tears just kept rolling. They rolled for about two to three weeks.
I told my Mom about Brian and his new son and she told me that everything happens for a reason. I didn’t tell her I was pregnant and nor did I tell him. I really just wanted to die and never feel any pain ever again. I started spotting but I just assumed that my cycle had finally shown up and the clinic was wrong. I was passing blood clots and I decided to go to the doctor. They had to perform a D & C on me because I had lost the baby. That just gave me more to cry about. I’m sure that I wasn’t ready to be a Mom but I would have given it my all anyway.
To me Brian just opened up the door to pain. I just let pain run over me from that point and it’s like I couldn’t stop it. After losing the baby I figured that I deserved anything that I got. I figured out that I wasn’t entitled to any happiness so it didn’t matter. I enrolled myself in a junior college to take a few course in Business Administration.
In my accounting class I met this guy that looked exactly like Brian and his name was Terry and he was pursuing me so hard that I was running scared. He was all the things that I thought Brian was and much more. He fell madly in love with me and he asked my father for my hand in marriage before he asked me. He was really sweet and he deserved so much more than I was willing to give at the time.
Well I was still trying to fall out of love with Brian; Terry was working overtime to get me to fall in love with him. My Mom was the first to notice the resemblance between the two and she asked me if I was sure what I was doing. Brian was still trying to convince me that he loved me and we needed to be together but I wasn’t listening. He had become a play toy and I was in the mood for playing. So in the beginning I didn’t take Terry as serious as he truly was but he started to grow on me. I married him and promised to love him forever. It was really going good for about 6 months and shit started rolling downhill like a snowball. I really didn’t love him and I started hating him for loving me. And this was just the beginning of my sickness. Not only did I not want to be married to him anymore but I didn’t want him touching me as well. I didn’t give a damn if he went and was touching anyone else either. I decided that I wanted a divorce and that was that. My father went and got me a lawyer and told me not to worry about a thing. They said it would all be over in 30 days and for me to stay at home (meaning no dating) until this was final. Of course Terry told our friends that he wasn’t giving me a divorce and that he was taking me to the country where his parents lived so that we would have time to ourselves so that we could work out our problems.
Well I got my divorce and I was still hating him years after that. I don’t know why I felt the way that I felt but I did. For me the relationships were really messed up from there on. Instead of running into men that could probably show me love and affection, I told myself that I was only dealing with victims. I had decided that I wasn’t letting another man get close to me ever again and I didn’t.
The men that I ran into from that point on I should find them and apologize for my actions. I had gotten so bad that I was pathetic. I didn’t want a relationship and I didn’t want to hear that you had any feelings for me either. I just wanted them to do whatever they were going to do for me and move on. I knew that what I was doing was wrong but I kept telling myself that I just couldn’t risk getting hurt like that again.
When I think back to the pain that I felt from losing Brian I really don’t know if I ever recovered from that. I know that for a very long time I wouldn’t even talk to him or say hello. I even went as far as to blame him for my failed attempt at marriage to Terry. I told him that if he hadn’t broken my heart then I wouldn’t have broken Terry’s heart. I know I’m responsible for my own actions but I know I could have been a better person if things had worked out differently for us. But like my Mom said, everything happens for a reason.
There are a few things that I have learned about life. Life is full of pain and pain hurts. You can’t go around blaming other people for your mistakes. You are accountable for your own actions. Upon getting out of a relationship, you should give yourself time to recuperate. Don’t just rush into a new situation that you may end up regretting later. Sometimes we do go into a new relationship without thinking. We seem to bring “baggage” from the past. No one sits down and discuss this baggage or the contents. We never admit our mistakes we made in the previous relationships. It was always the other person, or at least that’s what we try and convince ourselves. Whether we want to admit it or not, we bring pain into our lives as well by some of our actions or lack thereof. We are not always the prey; sometimes we’ve been the predator.
My main mistake from the beginning was I didn’t try and get any help to ease my pain. I just let it fester inside and grow. I kept taking that infestation with me to each new relationship. Once I decided that men were no good and just to be used for play toys, and there was no stopping me. I truly do regret the actions I took while I was in pain. I wish I could make it up to the men that I used but I can’t. All I can say is that I am truly sorry for the things I did.
I think that in the future we should take some time for us to heal when leaving one relationship and before entering another. You really need to spend that time with yourself to figure out what went wrong. I’m not saying just keep dwelling on it but try and learn from the mistakes you may have made. Just think about the warning signs that you choose to ignore. Don’t just rush into a new relationship with false hopes and dreams either. Open your eye and have a good hard look around you. See the people for who they truly are and not for whom you want them to be.

The Eclectic Pen » All Stories by Denise J. (mdjohnson314)

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The Eclectic Pen - Pain

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