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The Eclectic Pen - paragraphs of an unwritten story

By: Erin D. (ErinMarie)   + 2 more  
Date Submitted: 3/27/2007
Last Updated: 3/27/2007
Words: 383

  The sky is the bluest I've ever seen, and the air smells like apple pie. Leaves are everywhere, the colors of my paint set, and the ground rustles with the wind. I am wearing my favorite dress, the yellow one with the big blue bow. The swing set creaks as I fly higher and higher, trying to catch Johnny - but his feet touch the sky every time. "Let's play hide and seek," I say. Johnny starts to count, so I run behind the apple tree and listen to my heart pounding as I try to keep still.

"44...45...46...47...48...49...50. Ready or not, here I come!"

When Johnny finds me, he picks a dandelion from the ground and gives it to me. Mommy always says to say thank you with a kiss, so I do. He wipes his cheek and says "Yecch," but then kisses mine and runs away.

The sky turns pink with the setting sun, and I can hear Mrs. Gruen call Johnny home to mashed potatoes and apple pie. My house is dark and muffled. The screen door behind me slams shut and I am left in the fading light. She is sitting in the black living room, crying softly. I crawl into her lap and lean my head against her chest.

"Mommy, Johnny asked me to marry him."

She cries harder.

* * *

When my father and his whore had gone, half of the crystal was shattered and my mother was on her seventh whiskey. I helped her up the stairs and into bed, where she curled up and passed out with tears still glistening on her cheek. I found my brother asleep under the kitchen table and left him there for fear that moving him would wake him, breaking the harsh silence.

I spent my Christmas Eve sweeping up shards of glass. In the morning, the only outwards trace of my father's betrayal was the small blood stain on the hall floor that I had left when what remained of a Waterford vase had embedded itself in my palm.

The Eclectic Pen » All Stories by Erin D. (ErinMarie)

Member Comments

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Comments 1 to 6 of 6
Marta J. (booksnob) - 3/28/2007 9:10 AM ET
Wow! Please keep going with this. It's great!
IONE L. (zaneygraylady) - 3/28/2007 9:42 AM ET
sad but very good
Claudia (BrokenWing) - 3/29/2007 1:05 PM ET
i agree; sad but good.
Linda S. (Dreamin1) - 3/30/2007 3:49 PM ET
In the beginning, I am not sure if we are in the present or in the past because it seems to be in present tense. If this is something that happened before. I might have used sentences like> It was the bluest sky I had ever seen, and the air smelled like.... Leaves were everywhere... etc. I am not sure why the mother is crying. Evidently this character is small enough to crawl into the woman's lap. The second half sounds like it's years later since she swept up the pieces of shattered crystal. This story has alot of potential.It raises alot of questions like why the mother is crying the first time. I like the description--the shattered crystal for example. I also like that there is dialogue in it. I don't normally write in first person and I applaud you for that alone. I'd like to see more of this story...more about the complex feelings that these people have and/or repress.
Maggie M. - 3/31/2007 2:45 AM ET
I think you're wonderfully talented, and I'd like to see a continuation of this piece just as it is (the title is terrific). I'll be looking for more of your work.
Jennifer F. (jennRN) - 4/11/2007 12:21 PM ET
I enjoyed this. I like your funeral story better, but both are great. This one felt a little...contrived? No. Overthought? Maybe. This one didn't have the ease of flow. However, I really enjoyed it, and look forward to reading more.
Comments 1 to 6 of 6