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The Eclectic Pen - A Return to Eden

By: Chris D.   + 7 more  
Date Submitted: 4/3/2007
Genre: Science Fiction & Fantasy
Words: 2,071

  A man approaches. A fearsome gaunt figure stands at the ready on what seems to be an innocent wooded path. A sword of fabulous light is drawn casting its perimeter into shadows. It is dusk and the man does not hesitate armored in only an Irish cable knit sweater, Lee jeans, a leather vest crafted in Pakistan, and leather sneakers. The messenger of the light beckons for him to stop or else face sudden death.

“Hey Charlie, can we stop the dramatics? We only been doing this now for, what, a little over 30,000 years?” says the man in the sweater.

“I know but it is my job, you know.” says the man with the still blazen sword.

“Can you douse that thing Rudolph. Right! I come here every ten years or so to see if I can stroll down the garden path, what do you do in the mean time? I mean Gabriel kicked us out and has posted you here ever since, Can’t do his own dirty work. Destroyer of cities and great mistakes, remember those giant chickens, I think they were called dinosaurs, well you remember it took Gabe over fifty years to kabob that lot and fricassee them. Only if the Colonel was alive.”

“Why do you go on about time, you know it does not exist for us.”

“Well I prefer it, it keeps my head straight, but to the point are you going to let me in this time!’

“Did you not just ask me that just ten minutes ago?”

“No that was ten years ago!”

“Oh right, I never got that thing right, it is a hard concept for me.”

“So you agree to time?”


“Then why did you accuse me of just being here ten minutes ago, in that statement you acknowledge the existence of time or else you would not use it in your accusation?”

“I was just using it in the temporal standpoint...”

“The prefix of temp as in tempo, or temporary refers to time once more, are you a bit confused old man!”

“No, you know what I mean..”

“Just because I ate of the apple does not mean I know everything. But since time is irrevelant as you say to us, you know very well that you will eventually let me pass and everything is honky dory, so why can not that time be now. If all moments run continuous in the same space and time, why ain’t the moment you let me by not be the same as this singular moment that we both know to be all time. Including the moment you let me through, which is the same as now!”

“All right, go on pass.”

“Thanks Charlie.”

“Right, don’t mention it, say hi to Pops for me, I hope he won’t be too mad with me.”

“Hey he did tell you guys to serve me any hows, right! Remember the war and all, how that statement didn’t set well for all.”

The man in the sweater proceeded on down the dusky wood, for the right path was found. The woods emptied onto a garden path blocked by a high retaining wall with no gate.

“Sheep tricks will not work on a shepherd, now really!” the wall had a spot where an opening was cut into the wall at a forty five angle making the opening invisible to any one looking at it straight on but becomes visible as seen from an angle.

“Eden, it looks much better than Baghdad is of late. Now where is that tree?”

“Halt, who goes there. It is forbidden to all to enter, for certain death shall follow!”

“Dad, get off the soap box, it is ok to be short, leave that trick for Dorothy and her friends.”

“You spoiled little brat, how is the world of basket weaving treating you?” Says Yahweh.

“Look it ain’t basket weaving, it is synchratic weaving, making all the coincidences string togethor to lead people to certain inalienable truths that...”

“Basket weaving, when are you going to get a real job. When are you going to be the tyrant of your own universe, God knows I need a break...”

“Dad, are we going to go through this again, see I am here for that tree..”

“The tree that I forbidden you to eat from, isn’t anything sacred, with the help of that astral minded interferer, you already were duped by that woman to eat from the first tree, where is that being now any ways...”

“She is at home taking doses of Prozac, she has had a bum deal from the whole thing, man I preferred the days of Sodom and Haight ashbury, now them were some good drugs, man that shit makes me hunt out some sheep, because she is no help anymore. Can we lay up on the women for a change, or you still not talking to Best a Mom?”

“Do not mention that infernal woman’s name in my ...”

“I guess that answers my question, see Pop I buried the axe a long time ago even though part of my brain says it should of been in yours, but it is over, I learned a few things from those guys down there you keep interfering with, Christ is sick of patching up your shit, man seven days was a bit of a rush job, Hey!”

“Don’t go on about that...”

“Only a C on your College boards, hey, good thing you gave those beings some intelligence, but too bad you gave them your psychosis as well, some of them are real greedy bastards. When are you going to realize that happiness does not come from how many black holes and stars that you can Nova, but from within, Best a Ma is just feeling a bit separated from you...”

“Do not mention ...”

“What, Best a ma, Best a MA, Best a Ma...”

“So you want the tree, I already gave it to Chipendale to make a lovely end table.”

“Oh move out of my way..”

“Or else...”

“Or else we can shine a bright light upon you and you can play with your shadow, Hey Luce, are you there?”

Adam pulls out a giant mag light and shines it on his father casting dark shadows on the wall. Out of the one to the left appears an impish person, about the same height and built as Yahweh, but more acute angles rendering his drawn face terminating in a Mephistocles beard and mustache.

“Ah, Adam it has been a long time since Sodom, how is the misses, are you still playing with those sheep, the cliff and all, hear they are jolly good that way, still trying to get out of your father’s shadow, feeling a little inadequate..”

“Get off of it, the two of you are so inept in the endowment area you had to scour the earth to find one woman who would be pleased by the two and a half inches the two of you could muster up. Good thing for wet dreams hey, I think you guys put the truth in advertising, politics, and used cars. Talk about wild fish stories...”

“I see you have not accomplished much, nephew! Still running with those apes?”

“Hey wasn’t you I saw a few years ago do the funky tango with that green monkey!”

“Hey J, how bout me and you finding some Job character and torment him some....”

“Son, now I mean everything in your best interest..”

“Best interest, I was very content picking up berries and painting on cave walls until you took me away from all of that , just on the account that I looked up into the sky and asked why, to tell the truth I think I was just mumbling something in response to indigestion, and Off I am whooshed to this garden only to be kicked out so you can rip a rib out of me so you could transform it into someone who gets a bum rush deal and gets strung out on Prozac and forces, yes Luc, to play with the sheep after she yells my head off for no good reason and....”

“Are you done!”



“Now where is that tree..”

The man in the Irish knit cable sweater heads out to the center leaving the dynamic duo to themselves. After some walking he hears the uncanny tune of Look On the Bright Side of Life and enters the clearing as he sees a man in a tree house singing the verse..”Life is a piece of shit, when you look at it..”

“Oh excuse me, I did not see you coming, would you like some tea, my are you looking fine as of late! Have I ever thanked you for caring me over that ocean, or I Have, well thanks again, I always did prefer the name St. Christopher, so how have you been, I always knew you would come.”
“So this is where you been hanging out at?”

“No, I just knew today was the day and I wanted to return to the place of our first meeting, you know your father only means well, it is just that Sophia just bums around to herself up there. Stuck between here and there, Very straight forward thinker, that is her problem can not think in circular motions of events. Always point a terminating in point B, very lonely that one is.”

“Any room for them in that tree house of yours?”

“Sure they just have to realize it for themselves, is that incarnation of us writing that story yet?”

“ I am pretty sure.”

In a ugly little house on a sinking street that leaves the house settling a little to the right and a little more to the left is a man named Christopher, who at that moment, not the one in which you are reading this but the moment he was writing this as the one in which they had asked if he was, but then as we have seen earlier time for them, or that matter anyone does not really exist, so it is safe to say that this writing was done light years from now or just a few moments ago, but this referencing is inadequate because it uses flawed speech that refers to time that in its self is non-existent.....

“Get on with it” rings in chorus from the heavens...

“Yeah, we just got to get him to hug her.”

“How do we do that, the only words she ever said to him was ‘Liar!’ and that was an end of it.”

“ No remember she added he was a minor little psychopomp with a mania problem, I think they were her exact words.”

“Never-less, we need him to hug her. Ever learn anything from Mercury hanging in that threshold?”

“We can try dressing her up as a Cow, which won’t be too hard she has been eating a lot of chocolate and Ben and Jerry’s. Bit depressed you know.”

“ A cow?”

“Yeah, one of Mercury’s tricks. Hide a cow in the cave and pretend that it really is a woman that he is hiding from one of his wives so when she finds out she will never know the better he is really tickling some udders. Quite ingenious trick I must say, but he likes cows. I prefer the milk maids myself and a little butter to go on my crepes and a tall drink of milk...”
“Isn’t that a bit of incest.”

“Now how did you populate the world again, Adam.”

“Enough of that, those other cro-mags were not as intellectually stimulating.”

“Well I was planning to stop things before they got that far, Hell I am suppose to marry the old Broad.”

“You old snake you, Christ come down here and lets get started. You think we can get rid of that hormone and bleeding thing with women and go back to the stork, I think they will really like that, I would really like that. For once it would be nice to know what I am getting yelled at for.”


So Adam and Christ went into the limbo and put Sophia in a cow costume, led Yahweh up there, stopped things from getting kinky and stuck their names onto the family tree of life with the rest of humanity and the species of the earth. Yahweh got his comfort and stopped chasing golden cows, Sophia was able to think in circles and now is racing the Nascar circuit, Jesus is enjoying solitary walks in the Jersey Pine Barrens and dancing at night at the local pub, Adam knows what he is getting yelled at for a change, Eve has put out of business the Tampax company along with prozac and is happy just being, and the stork is real busy once more.

The Eclectic Pen » All Stories by Chris D.

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Comments 1 to 2 of 2
IONE L. (zaneygraylady) - 4/5/2007 10:41 AM ET
weird and interesting
Patricia A. - 4/11/2007 8:26 PM ET
I htink i will have to read it a few times in order to comment properly. ar you related to Steven King!
Comments 1 to 2 of 2