When I stare at the t.v. eight feet before me, in the dark, everything shrinks. At the same time the ceiling crawls to a height of sixty feet. Sometimes I'll raise my hand in an attempt to touch the television screen, or anything, and even my arms are distorted in proportion. What really throws me off, is that the television looks as big as a pinto bean yet only seems inches in-front of me.

As the television shrinks away, the lexicographer in my head searches for the right meaning as to what is happening. He scrambles toward the phone as he finds the root words to the displacements I am witnessing. He picks up the phone & screams over the party line Screaming something about impulses. I loose connection and leave the phone off the hook. I know he is trying to call back -well knowing that he is receiving a busy signal-.
It was there, in that moment, that I gave up. That I lost all hope in wanting to know the unknown. The mere speck remaining of the miniature, almost microscopic t.v. screen was a reminder that all novelties fade.
I fall deep into thought, but nothing feels real somehow. As I sit facing the glowing box I feel silenced by a calm force. Everything has the noise turned down, even my thoughts are muffled.
I see into the future of my life.
I watch as I spent the next week enjoying nothing, the sound of my phone ringing becomes more and more of a hassle. The sweet tones of a women's voice do not arouse me to any degree. Masturbation becomes hell. Considering others was an akin to terror, and I started to hate myself for all the thoughts I had that would bring me joy. My family became traitors that could never bring me happiness, and this went on and on. So I feel into a deep tomb.
The key was in my thoughts, and my mind was the door.
Years later I see myself pretending to be happy through so many joyous occasions, but the trap on my heart and in my soul was not a simple snare in it's conception nor in it's design. I saw myself begging, what I always imagined g*d to be, for mercy or a chance for happiness -knowing damn-well that my thoughts got me neck deep into this debacle-. I prayed and suffered, until one day the lights went out and I was suddenly watching my funeral. Watching that wooden box with the cage I was trapped in for so many years lowered into the ground. This vision shook me to my core.
It's at this point that I feel my head jolt and my body falling away. Feels like I am falling down and up and sideways. I catch myself, somehow, with the realization that I am slowly drifting to sleep in front of the snowing grey screen. Startled with the vision I had of my life and of my funeral I promised myself that I would try to become a better person.
As I walk toward the television I capture another glimpse of what I was dreaming about and promise myself that I will change. I turn the volume knob till it clicks and all the lights dim to a black void. All the way to the bedroom I tell myself that I have the power and that change is my future.
A new me, a fresh start.
I lay in bed and continue to think about how different tomorrow is going to be. It has to be different, right? My revelation and the purity and good intentions in my heart to change has to mean something. As my eyes close and I fall asleep I think about how successful I'll be with this new me. Ideas of being my own boss flood my head. Snapshots of having a gorgeous wife that ALWAYS wants to have sex like they do in the movies drives me home into a sleep. A sleep that is so peaceful and so sensual, yet pure not even the the Holy See could say he's had better dreams.

"My once comforting amble down city blocks has been replaced by structured agendas and appointments I'm not thoroughly convinced I need to make anymore."

The Eclectic Pen - stark skies

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