Skip to main content
PBS logo

The Eclectic Pen - I didn't want to die

By: Stacey K. (mywildrainbow)  
Date Submitted: 3/22/2008
Last Updated: 3/22/2008
Genre: Literature & Fiction » Poetry
Words: 203

  The sense of someone there who shouldn't be,
touches from the same someone traumatize me.
My mom out at a party, drinking and smoking some weed,
my dad not allowed around us, except every other weekend, shared custody.
Me trying to take care of and protect my younger sisters, keep that someone away from them.

I've seen too much, felt too much, remember too much, care too much.
I've been in therapy as long as my oldest neice has been alive.
I don't use it productively.
I have trust issues.
It takes me about 2 years to trust the therapist.
During those 2 years, I develop a new problem.

Silver caresses and then slices deliciously through me.
My pain disappears for awhile, but ALWAYS returns.
My memories become more vivid and I learn to use therapy wisely.
I still have problems trusting anyone, including the therapist.
The self-injury has become a life-threatening problem during this time.

The memories are still frequent and vivid, the dreams often.
My family is much better, we have pulled together, mostly forgiven, survived.
I'm still in therapy, 9 years later. I still have trust issues.
But I use therapy much more productively.
I have stopped the self-injury, mostly on my own accord.
It just took me awhile to learn that I didn't want to die.

The Eclectic Pen » All Stories by Stacey K. (mywildrainbow)

Member Comments

Leave a comment about this story...

Comments 1 to 3 of 3
Melanie H. (brocolicancer) - 3/23/2008 10:11 AM ET
Just remember, no matter what situation you find yourself in, its only temporary, just a chapter in your life and eventually you'll move onto something else, leaving that old pain behind.It seems like forever, then two years pass and you look back and realize its over..
Elizabeth B. (meowysmiles) - - 4/11/2008 11:23 PM ET
Hope writing gives you a sense of "therapy".You will be able to help others with your experiences,you are special,consider counseling others later when you feel stable,it is theraputic : )
Beth T. (betay) - 4/24/2008 1:39 AM ET
Very curious as to your current age? Your writing sounds very honest and mature, like you have had to grow up quickly under some very "untrusting" circumstances. I wish you continued success in this healing process.
Comments 1 to 3 of 3