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The Eclectic Pen - 101 Uses for a Living Severed Head

By: Scott W. (Rev)   + 36 more  
Date Submitted: 3/3/2007
Genre: Humor & Entertainment » Humor
Words: 647

  With the beginning of the 21st Century nearly upon us, technological advancements in the medical field are rapidly reaching heights never before imagined. Previously ridiculed pulp science fiction novel impossibilities such as cloning and bionic limbs are now becoming modern-day reality.

One such advancement (although not one readily admitted to by the medical society) is the patented invention of a machine that now makes it possible to keep a human severed head alive indefinitely. The existence of this specific technology has been deemed both cruel and immoral by many groups, most of them arguing that not only is it a practically blasphemous application of medical life support, but that such a device would have no practical use.

To those that have scoffed at this idea, the members of The Mongoloid Moose Think Tank say FOOEY!!! There are numerous uses for such a medical advancement, and we will stop at no end to prove it!

So, in an attempt to squelch the complaints and protests put forth by these Frankenstein Destroyers, we submit this list of one hundred and one useful applications for a living severed head.

Note: Most of the following suggestions have been made under the assumption that the technology will become advanced enough so that the life support equipment will be eventually condensed into a 7" wide metal disk attached to the neck of the severed head.

1. Nifty Ashtray
2. Cool Fish Tank Decoration
3. Conversation Piece - Place it on your coffee table. Loads of fun!
4. Anti-Burglar Device
5. Christmas Tree Decoration
6. Jack-O-Lantern
7. Pooper Scooper
8. TV Antenna
9. Bedpost
10. Shoe Shiner - Polish not included.
11. Emergency Replacement For Broken Busts
12. Tie Rack
13. Dust Rag
14. Hand Puppet
15. Banister Knob
16. Q-Tip Dispenser
17. Candlestick
18. Sheet Music Holder
19. Post-Modern Drink Coaster - Not just a regular coaster!
20. Pencil Sharpener
21. Paperweight
22. Economy Night Light - Some assembly required.
23. Police Siren
24. Hood Ornament
25. Lawn Mower
26. Marital Aid - You figure it out.
27. Dust Rag
28. Pez Dispenser
29. Battering Ram - Actually, it would be more of an attachment.
30. Crib Mobile
31. Bicycle Horn
32. Ventriloquist Dummy
33. Hole Puncher
34. Bottle Opener
35. Attach to pole to unscrew out of reach light bulbs - I'm sure there's a name for it, but I don't know it.
36. Ice Cube Tray Monitor – Put back an empty tray, get bitten.
37. Stamp Moistener
38. Device for conducting controlled tests to see how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Lollie-Pop
39. Rape Whistle - Rape not included.
40. Pin Cushion
41. Cookie Cutter - Makes bite-size cookies.
42. Doctor's Specimen Container - They can't all be cute and pretty, now can they?
43. Blow Dryer - It takes a while.
44. Lawn Ornament
45. Door Stop
46. Primitive Blunt Weapon
47. Parking Meter
48. Wood Chipper
49. Oven Mitt
50. Bicycle Seat
51. Writer for Image Comics - 'Nuff Said!
52. Roach Motel
53. Mouse Trap
54. Book End
55. Jewelry Display
56. Soap Dish
57. Cheap alternative to Pet Parrot
58. Extra in Bluebeard Documentary
59. Pencil Holder
60. Paint Pallet
61. Horror Movie Prop
62. Co-Star on Baywatch
63. Eavesdropping Device
64. Chastity Belt - Back by popular demand!
65. Tooth Brush Holder
66. Poor Man's Mirror
67. Pool Toy
68. Drain Plug
69. Toilet Bowl Cleaner
70. Hat
71. Poor Man's Disguise Kit
72. Weather Vane - See also: Windsock.
73. Lightening Rod
74. Methane Gas Detector for sewer workers
75. Vice Grip Pliers
76. Baptism Practice Model
77. CPR Dummy
78. 9 Day Deodorant Pad
79. Change Purse
80. Q-Tip
81. Ice Cream Cone
82. Rear View Mirror Decoration
83. Vacuum Cleaner
84. Bathroom Attendant - You give him a quarter, take a mint... Come on, work with me!
85. Spare Horse Shoe
86. Lord Of The Flies - If you don't get it, you didn't finish High School
87. Desk Lamp
88. Poor Man's Mr. Potato Head
89. Maraca
90. Megaphone
91. Science Fair Project
92. Golf Tee
93. Lamp Post
94. Cannon Ball
95. Cool Medallion
96. Prop for St. John The Baptist play
97. Lassie stand-in
98. Spitball Sparring Partner
99. Third Base
100. Creepy Piñata
101. Hat Rack

The Eclectic Pen » All Stories by Scott W. (Rev)

Member Comments

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Comments 1 to 3 of 3
Claudia (BrokenWing) - 3/4/2007 12:09 AM ET
Truly creepy.
IONE L. (zaneygraylady) - 3/4/2007 4:28 PM ET
now I know how demented you really are
LAURA C. (Laura9691) - 3/6/2007 5:23 PM ET
A Windsock?!?
Comments 1 to 3 of 3